Feeling Guilty For Leaving Abusive Relationship

[caligirl03]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and longtime childhood friend who was diagnosed with combat PTSD and TBI. He told me I was the love of his life and could honestly be the sweetest guy in the world, but other times he would act verbally and emotionally abusive towards me--most the time over literally nothing. Needless to say, this resulted in the dysfunction and ultimate demise of our relationship.

About a month ago, I finally got him to go to counseling after over a year of begging. It took an ultimatum, but he did go. Right after an appointment last week, he started digging into me again. By then I was already so emotionally beat up that I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. Now I'm grappling with guilt and wondering if I gave up too soon and should have tried to suck it up and stick it out for his sake. I don't know if he will get the help he needs without my support. I'm still in love with this guy and feel as though I've lost a lifelong best friend on top of an incredible love, but I also know that being in a relationship isn't healthy at this point.

Does anyone with this type of experience think that maybe I did the right thing for both of us? Maybe a relationship is too much for him to handle right now as well? Is this type of rage normal? Is there ever a chance that this awful behavior could change? I just can't see anything clearly right now and any guidance or words of assurance would be so appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Mystery]

Hello ticachica03, I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing what you are and what you have been enduring for some time. There are many things I'd like to say about your boyfriend's actions. Obviously I can only guess at some things, so I won't but I will go on the things that you have said.

Having ptsd, imho is not an excuse for being abusive to our loved ones. There are hundred of combat veterans using this site that I'm sure aren't like that at all. Being abusive is something a person just is or isn't. I've been a survivor of two particularly abusive partnerships, the second was a guy definitely suffering from severe childhood ptsd. Having said that, I've known survivors of horrendous childhoods that turned out to be highly empathetic people who wouldn't harm an ant, especially those that love them.

Going to therapy should be a self motivated thing for people in order for them to engage effectively. 'Dragging' someone to therapy, even though it is with the best intentions is never the best option. It's really you engaging in the therapy and him coming along as the passenger. I really do understand what happens in abusive relationships, believe me. Long, long story. What I got out of all the therapy I did for relationship dysfunction was, 'Why do I not believe I deserve something better' from every therapist I've ever sat down with.

Partners of abusers need to look at their own 'attachment style', this is developed when we are children. I didn't do any self work after my first husband who was abusive to myself and our children. I went straight on the the next abusive relationship and created an even worse one. It took me years to work out that it's something about me that 'doesn't see it coming' or somehow don't get attracted to the right kind of guy. Not that there is blame but it's really important to look at why we settle on some level for being abused and think it's our job to 'fix' the abuser or push them to get help.

There are women out there who just don't stand for that stuff one bit. I'm slowly but surely becoming one of them. There are some great books out there for women like us. I'm not allowed to recommend them as I've gotten in trouble for doing that before. If you google leaving a toxic relationship alot of good stuff comes up that I'm sure you will identify with. It's got to be all about you. Life is far too precious, every day is one you don't get back. One day you wake up and think 'why did I waste all that time focusing on someone else for my own happiness?'

There are so many good men out there, this site is full of them. Men that protect, serve, provide for, nurture and respect women. In order to find one, we need to focus on becoming the woman they deserve too. It's all about you, people treat you how you let them. My heartfelt best wishes to you. :):)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Does anyone with this type of experience think that maybe I did the right thing for both of us? Maybe a relationship is too much for him to handle right now as well? Is this type of rage normal? Is there ever a chance that this awful behavior could change? I just can't see anything clearly right now and any guidance or words of assurance would be so appreciated. Thank you.

I am a sufferer, so while I haven't been in your shoes, I think that you have done the right thing.

A relationship may very well be too much for him right now. I know a lot of sufferers, myself included, can't really handle relationships while symptoms are at their peak. I have been healing for about 5 1/2 years now and I am finally to the point of being able to be in a relationship. It is still rocky as heck, but I know I wouldn't have been able to handle this if I was untreated or in the beginning stages of healing.

Is that sort of rage "normal" in the scope of PTSD? Well, some of us do experience rage, while others do not. I went through a rageful period, only to discover it was prescription drug driven. Thus, I know others have PTSD related rage that is worse than what anger issues I have dealt with. However, just because a symptom is within the scope of PTSD does not mean that you need to stick around and put up with it. Some of our symptoms can be managed with coping skills and therapy and such, while other symptoms are more automatic. Anger may *seem* unmanageable, but it can indeed be managed with therapy and hard work. And sometimes it takes a lot of tough love before we realize that we must work hard at changing. That's a bit of what happened with me....I received a lot of tough love which made me realize I needed to change. Maybe that's what your guy needs? If faced with the reality of losing you, he may change (but I wouldn't rest any hope on this).

Is there hope of this behavior changing? Yes, BUT he needs to be in therapy because he wants to be in therapy. Healing is a LOT more involved than just going to therapy. It is easy to just go through the motions of going to see a therapist once a week but not working on anything outside of therapy. He needs to want it, and healing is indeed a 24/7 kind of thing.

I would let him be for now and let him focus on healing. Relationships take up a LOT of time. PTSD takes up a LOT of time....Honestly, I am amazed at how much free time I have on my hands when I am symptom free for an extended period of time. That is, we as sufferers don't realize how much time this blasted disorder takes up, and supporters on the flip-side have no idea how much time it takes up, looking in from the outside.

 

[Sighs]

It won't change until he decides he wants it to change.

Everyone has their limit. If you reached yours then you reached it. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I left a partner who had multiple sclerosis because his particular affliction was scarring through the frontal lobes of his brain. I simply couldn't care for him, care for my child from a previous relationship and work fulltime to support us. Did I feel guilty? Yes, of course. Did I do the right thing? Yes.

:hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Feeling guilty is not warranted as far as I can tell. Guilty suggests that you've done something wrong. You have not done anything wrong. Sucking it up and sticking it out is a devaluation of yourself. Like that's your lot in life? I don't think so!

These vets are not getting the treatment they need. They are still in war mode. I'm seeing this same story every day. You are at risk of developing compassion fatigue. You can't fix his PTSD. But his PTSD can surely have a lasting negative effect on you.

I really think the ideal situation for these soldiers is to be diagnosed quickly and placed in an environment with nature surrounding them. A retreat where they can decompress and spend a lot of time learning what PTSD is and learn skills to manage it. Where they can get trauma therapy and art therapy and spiritual guidance. We seriously owe them this.

But when all is said and done, there will be some that are abusers just by nature. Like they were headed that way anyway and the war just exacerbated it.

I think you are wise to step away and I hope for his sake that he reaches out for help from specialists.

 

[Sighs]

@KwanYingirl - There was an attempt made some years ago here in Australia to set aside an area of natural bushland for combat vets. The man pressing for it was a combat vet himself and understood the need to get away from "society" and find peace in nature. . Unfortunately, the government of the day could not see the need and the idea never got off the ground.

My vet was offered an inpatient stay at a veteran's hospital in a large city when he was diagnosed. He opted to take off with his dog and live in the bush for about 6 months. Best thing he could have done. His horses and the wide open spaces are of more benefit to him than a therapist who has never been in a warzone or meds which make him feel numb or sick. (Please note that I said TO HIM - I do believe that therapy and meds are important tools in managing PTSD and would NOT want to discourage anyone from seeking those tools to assist them.)

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Sighs. Great idea for theraputic riding. Nature does not rush, but everything is accomplished.

 

[nursenurse]

Here's the thing: he went into therapy because you forced him to go, not because he wanted to, not because he felt a genuine need to go. Hence, nothing has changed at all. Like going through the motions.

Keep going forward, and slam that door behind you. It is so easy to be reeled back in by promises and such. If you feel it wasn't healthy for you, then it wasn't healthy for you. Put a period at the end of that. Because at this point, you are the one that matters. If you feel your life and your emotional integrity being sucked out of you, this goes for PTSD and non PTSD people, it is time to move on. At this point, as heartless as this sounds, you can't keep thinking of the other person. You do what you have to, in order to survive, and become the best person you can be. Verbal, emotional abuse, as well as physical abuse, have no part in a loving relationship.

Lose the guilt. Learn from it. Love yourself again.

 

[Friday]

Just because you break up doesn't mean that it's over.

And just because you hurt and feel grief/loss/guilt doesn't mean you should go back.

Repeat to yourself as needed:
Here's my boundary. You crossed it. I'm done. I can't be with someone who treats me this way. I'm not willing to wait around to see IF you might, maybe, this time, will take things seriously, want to change, or can change. I was willing to do that. A year ago. I even gave you a chance a month ago instead of breaking up with you. It's not my fault you didn't take me seriously last year when you weren't on your last shot, or that you blew your last shot. You decided to put off seeking help, until it was a Hail Mary, and now you've crossed the Rubicon.

 

[Mystery]

FridayJones, that above paragraph was pure poetry. Beautiful.:joyful: