Feeling like a fraud

[lovak]

So, tomorrow my first EMDR session is scheduled. And I'm scared. Not even because of what's likely going to happen, but because I'm afraid nothings going to happen, because I feel like a fraud. It's not the first time I felt this way. I know ptsd is a cycle, but when things are going relatively well, I have myself convinced that I don't have any 'real' issues at all, let alone cptsd. I don't have many flashbacks, if i have them at all, get out of the house pretty easily. I get things done sometimes, I can relax sometimes, life seems relatively normal. So how is it possible for me to have complex trauma? Shouldn't I be a mess all the time?

I felt this way right after I got my official diagnosis. First I was a mess. A week later, I was feeling fine. All those people must've had it wrong, I must've convinced them of me having this disorder that I don't have, and now they'll find out that I'm a fraud. I felt this way for a week and then I had to tell my therapist about the event that 'star' in my flashbacks. And I couldn't say it. I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. It felt like a slap back into reality, that yes, I do have ptsd. So that went on for a couple of weeks, and now I've been feeling like a fraud again for the last few weeks.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm really, really confused. I know that the events happened, I just don't know.. I don't know. My therapists keep telling me that sexual abuse at a young age is one of the 'worst' trauma's to have. But sometimes I just don't feel anything about it.
I'm wondering if I'm back at being the master of avoidance of my own reality again, or if I'm really not that traumatized.

I feel like a complete mess of a person, or I feel like a fraud. I'm just wondering if any of you recognize this, because I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

[FauxLiz]

@lovak I have felt this way about pretty much everything in my life. I had a T tell me once that is is called impostor syndrome. That many people feel in one or more areas of their lives as if they are a fraud just waiting to be exposed. For me it is a daily occurrence. I wait for my employer to find out that I really can't do the job I was hired to do. The universities to discover they should never have given me my degrees. That the things that happened to me in the past really couldn't have been so bad that I have PTSD because for at least 8 hours a day I put on this facade that I am a competent smart independent individual and the spend the rest of the day isolating, hiding, going to therapy and dealing with SI because I am terrified of what will happen when I am found out.

It took the T that I worked with for 4 years from 2014-2018 to convince me that there was more going on with me than just major depression and that I needed additional assistance/treatment. Even then, going to an inpatient trauma unit I felt like an impostor/fraud. I couldn't see how anyone could think my story merited my being there. I have always blamed myself for my past experiences/traumas and I am not really much better yet.

I think that feeling like a fraud is probably an issue for many people that suffer from PTSD because we don't all look like and act like the characters that we see on TV and Movies acting like they have PTSD.

 

[Wendell_R]

Putting your trauma out of sight is a way for all of us to cope. Because it's not visible all the time doesn't mean we've healed. We're just really good at getting on with life as best we can while avoiding some big things inside. I've held a high-level job continuously and raised a family, all while I had CPTSD. But I was torn up inside and self-medicating with addictions. So I can't use "what I appear to be to outside people" as a good criterion for my mental state.

Good luck with the EMDR! It has really helped me. It might take you a little practice to connect to those deep emotions. But I've been surprised that even on days when I feel so normal, some very intense emotions have come up.

 

[knuckles]

I have no words of advice or consolation or clearity.
Just wanted to tell you that Yes, I recognize what you describe. And I also feel like I'm going crazy.
Sometimes I am vaguely aware of both "realities" at once; one where bad things *did* happen, and one where I'm just overreacting. Feels like I'm battling myself in a very unhealthy way. In my dreams I'm regularly engulfed by the certainty that someone is going to tap me on the shoulder and tell me they see through my act. There is so much shame involved.

I'm glad you posted this. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one struggling with this aspect. Best of luck working with this.

 

[lovak]

Thank you all for your replies.

A lot of stuff happened right after the emdr session, so I've been a little busy with that.

I RECOGNIZE that talking about one of my trauma events was really hard. I RECOGNIZE that my tension was superhigh. That I could barely breathe, or move, and that I almost threw up while at it. I RECOGNIZE that that would not be the case if the memory wasn't traumatic.

Yet, I still feel like a fraud.
And this extends further in my life. If I don't have the energy to do something and ask my husband to do it for me, am I taking advantage of him then because I'm a fraud?
I had a pretty well paying job and they're still paying me even though I'm not working. That's the law. But, am I taking advantage of that because I'm not really Ill because I'm a fraud?

It's pretty exhausting, to be honest.

I just don't know what is right, or real. It's not derealization. Or at least, not as I experience it. But still I don't know whats real or not, when it comes to my mental problems. When do I have the right to not do something because of them.

 

[Mach123]

It came to me slowly. It's a very long process or it has been for me, a whole life. Unbelief was my first and largest hurdle. But this is what I am. I lived that way because of my trauma. It dictated everything I did thought or felt. I really was unable to act on my own apart from it. So when I finally had a therapist who had enough on the ball to explain this, and I had enough (IDK what) to hear it, I started to get better. It's like 1+1 finally adding up. I don't have to look far if I want people to tell me I'm normal and nothing's wrong with me and I should be doing this or being that, especially me. (My wife) I'm not though, I'm this and "everything that happened happened."

 

[Lucycat]

And this extends further in my life. If I don't have the energy to do something and ask my husband to do it for me, am I taking advantage of him then because I'm a fraud?
I had a pretty well paying job and they're still paying me even though I'm not working. That's the law. But, am I taking advantage of that because I'm not really Ill because I'm a fraud?

No. You are suffering from PTSD. You are having a form of therapy that is emotionally very draining. I remember the exhaustion that followed EMDR. Do let your husband take care of you, and ask him to do whatever you need. Mine was an absolute darling and really helped me through those times.
AS for work - as you said yourself, you are entitled to be paid while you are sick. PTSD is no different to a broken leg. Currently you are still in traction - you can hobble back into work when they upgrade you to a cast if you wish, and depending on your role. You might be better waiting until you no longer need the crutches...

 

[EveHarrington]

.....because denial is powerful and acceptance is hard.

 

[Freida]

.....because denial is powerful and acceptance is hard.

This^^^^ is brilliant! And so very true

 

[ILoveLife]

Yep, denial is also necessary for us to be able to cope.
I think when your therapist said "worst traumas to have" is because it is in fact, one of the worst traumas to have. So we minimize it, dissociate so we don't feel the consequences and deal with life in a functional way so we don't crumble.

I've found in myself that denial also had a component of stubborness, like "they did this shit to me, I'm not allowing them to ruin any more of my life, it doesn't matter now, it's in the past, I'm a better person for it..." etc. It was a bit of a humbling experience for me to get out of that mindset and allow myself to recognize that it happened.

I don't have a quick fix for you. My T had me write a notebook with my life's story on it, good stuff and bad stuff, so I would have an idea of the impact my trauma had on me. It helped.
The writing my entire trauma history in the diary here helped a lot too.

We just gotta work out of the minimization, or wait for that awful aha-moment where it all comes crashing.

 

[Sandstone]

Almost every post resonates so strongly with me that I looked for the "double like" button.

 

[lovak]

I'm actively reminding myself everyday now. Of what happened, of my symptoms. Honestly, EMDR is stirring up things and gave me a couple more memories back.. and those are pretty bad.
Still I'm able to question if I wanted those things to happen, if I consented to them or even enjoyed them at the time.. even when the memories are violent ones. But some people actually LIKE to be strangled and bound. Now those memories fill me with disgust and guilt and shame and fear, but I dont know how I perceived it then and it confuses me badly.
One half memory is very clearly something that I didnt want, and I dont know if it actually happened. I cant remember the act itself so I really dont know. Only the threat of it happening.

I keep rationally telling myself I was psychologically manipulated to do those things and to consent to them. But being manipulated isnt consenting.

I keep on arguing...

And i feel like complete shit the last days. Its easer to deny, but that wont get me any further in recovery.