Feeling Like Others' Problems Are Silly

[Deleted member 1860]

you know what I deal with, and yet you still come to me all desperate because a guy was distant to you last night?

I'd get annoyed with this crap, too, but its not necessarily a byproduct of having PTSD!

I'm a very independent person. If someone who was interested in me started freaking out because I was distant for ONE NIGHT, well, let's just say that It wouldn't work out. You didn't say "boyfriend" or "partner" or even "husband", just "a guy".......I hate to sound critical, but yeah, that sort of does fall into the catastrophizing category! Freaking out because "a guy" is distant. This REEKS of self-centered-ness. As in, the only reason a guy would be distant is because he doesn't like me or I did something wrong......see where I'm going with this? The all too problematic "me, me, me, it MUST be ME!" mentality. Ya, like guys don't have a bad day, get stressed out by crap at work, get a bad call from mom, dealing with crazy neighbors..... The list goes on.

Yes, this person is a friend. So *in your mind* remind yourself that this person is freaking out about nothing, and in a way, that's just a bit sad. Help them out by giving them a pat sort of reply..... Don't feed into it, but try to be supportive. Move on to the next topic and don't let this person drag you down.

But, on the flip side, if this is the kind of friend who can't support you, cut 'em loose.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@zeropoint , yes it can be very difficult.

But I think something that comes particularly from abuse, is that our society doesn't want to know or care about its effect on real people. It cares about the ways it can make it go away. And that can be an additional very painful experience, on top of the already existing trauma.

But something that I've learned is that society isn't willing to bend. that majority out there make the rules by which we are judged. And ethically/morally it is totally wrong that people shun those that are really struggling with life, whilst rallying round someone whose boyfriend hasn't texted them for a few days. It is mind bendingly shallow - BUT it IS the way people in our society are.

So some of what we call 'healing' is about finding ways that we can pretend to fit in and manage our natural selves in order to suit the majority. It is sad, wrong, immoral and something that is really f*cked up about our society in my opinion. But it is the way it is and we have a choice about what we do with that information.

 

[The Albatross]

"So some of what we call 'healing' is about finding ways that we can pretend to fit in and manage our natural selves in order to suit the majority. It is sad, wrong, immoral and something that is really f*cked up about our society in my opinion. But it is the way it is and we have a choice about what we do with that information."

Eh, no. "pretending" is "pretending" and it ain't "healing" it's ... PRETENDING and pretending to heal. :banghead: Of course if it is your opinion and generally beneficial for you to think this, great. But healing is healing not pretending in my opinion. :unsure:

 

[Chava]

Lately a couple friends have come to me needing support because they're in unsatisfying relationships.

Friends don't judge friends' problems. I do relate to sometimes feeling like I put up with more than others. But ask yourself why it's so easy to resent your friends. We all struggle with something. Often my PTSD isn't a big deal because I'm isolated and avoidant to be triggered or bothered. If I actually had the guts to be in a relationship, that's what I'd be complaining about for sure because relationships are really f*cking hard.

At the risk of sounding pathetic, I've often wished people would come to me to complain about any of their problems, any of them. But I'm too unapproachable.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@The Albatross I don't know what being healed is, so it may be a wrong thought. But sometimes thinking something that an other would find controversial doesn't mean that I'm unwell, it means I've had different experiences to them. But because that thinking may be outside of the box (because my experiences are) I recognise that it won't fit in with what they understand to be like, and sometimes choose to say what is expected and wanted, rather than what I actually see from my perspective.

 

[Nam]

I get like this once in awhile. A version I go through is with my kids. They don't know any different. they don't understand how good they have it...

I'm a solver. I try to give solutions to fix it. I'm not a great listener for people that just want to vent. It's gotten me into trouble with a few of my female friends. But I really don't know any other way to be. I do have compassion, it's just reserved for the times it's needed.

 

[The Albatross]

@The Albatross I don't know what being healed is, so it may be a wrong thought..

The gifs were frustration... not because you are wrong, you are entitled to see things as/the way you do. My own gauge/standard is whether or not they are generally beneficial. I guess I pinged on "pretending".

It is all perceptual and a presumption/projection. As far as pretending... early, very early in substance abuse recovery there is a recovery phrase "acting as if". "Acting as if" is used to initiate and instil the habit by pretending as we withdrawal from the drug of choice and the brain chemistry reboots to normal levels as abstinence is practiced. It is the only thing that I can think of where "pretending" is assistive in recovery or healing. I do not think it is appropriate for PTSD's because... the brain can't reboot... there is no substance to withdrawal from... it is a fundamental physical change/injury. So... having had the experience of "acting as if" in substance abuse recovery... I had the tool already and if it worked for PTSD I'd have used it already. It is like using a band aid to treat a wound that requires like 50 stitches.

It was not helpful to me because I had the awareness that I was pretending. Under mentorship and with guidance with peers who have PTSD was how I began to heal the wound and I guess I see/saw the statement as really dangerous or self deceptive.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I guess for me I am pleased and relieved. I am pleased because they chose me to share about what's going on with them. I am relieved because I am a listener and don't enjoy talking. When I am thinking about other people and what they are going through that means I am not thinking about my own struggles and issues.

 

[Go Hungry]

I sometimes have the same problem. Mostly with younger people. I have some friends who will complain about things that are rather inconsequential in the long term, but totally ignore things that can have a lasting impact. Like me, when I started smoking. Granted I was pretty much consumed with some monstrous crap (PTSD for instance) but still... I just wasn't paying attention to things that really counted. Like when I blew my student loans on fast food and booze, not realizing that I would become an alcoholic and still be paying off that Burrito Supreme 20 years later.

If I had realized back when I was younger just how immensely boring my continual whining was to other people, I would have been aghast. My world-shaking catastrophe was their Tuesday. Granted, my experiences were probably a smidge beyond the norm with all the heightened emotions and stuff, but still. Boring dipshit.

That's why I try to keep in mind that I only know how to scale the importance of things because I've been through it. I have decades of perspective now that I didn't have then. So yes, one girl I know is heart-broken about a guy who to all objective measures is nothing to be heart-broken over.... (I mean seriously, he had the nerve to tell this girl about how if he could combine her with this other chick he likes, then she would be the perfect woman. Can you believe that?) :banghead: She shouldn't be all torn up about this dude, but she is because she hasn't ever been through this before.

But that's what people do.. In fact, it's what people have to go through in order to learn perspective on things. There's no way around it. Those who are protected from the world are floored when it hits them in the face. Those who are exposed to too much of the world are embittered by it. Both types have to learn that the Universe doesn't actually revolve around them, and there's no way to do it except to do it.

So yeah, people bore me... In some cases I even think, "nice problem to have"... But then I look at how incredibly well-off I am in terms of money (compared to folks in Uganda, for instance) or security (versus guys from Syria) and stress ( versus people who have kids)... Truth is that I have it pretty good, even though I'm poor by American standards. The world doesn't revolve around me either...

Now just try to tell my Alt's that... :p

 

[falling_wave]

I get how people could feel that way in theory but my trauma and my pain has given me so much empathy for human struggling big or small. I know every person experiences pain on a different threshold. I have experienced a lot so my threshold is higher than others who maybe haven't experienced as much. They could be hurting way more than I would just because they have not yet been stretched. I think we also don't know other people's past and traumas and if they are are reacting to something small because it is a trigger to something bigger. I just can't be the one to judge that.