Sufferer Feeling Physical Pain?

[sea]

I hesitated to join this forum ( my typing a bit off here sorry about this I went back to fix it all but some of it is hard to type out and to read it again to fix it s difficul so pardon mistakes. I did read the rules) but I did and reading thorough all of this is hard. talking is hard. I just find it easier then to see if I'm normal. i get flashbacks and I can't distinguish them frim reality.

sometimes I get lost in them and I can't figure out if I am here or I am there. sometimes I stay in reality but I can feel everything. like I am being hit by an invisible force. or I will just walk and suddenly it is like I am hit with water or I feel ike I have nothing on like physically feeling all this like it s happening in real life. and I can't even function. I have to hide and try and get rid of the feeling. Is that normal? am I crazy? I read through bout I haven't heard of anybody experiencing stuff like that. People walk on eggshells around me.i have a kid and I know he hates me.

Can't function by myself. I can't take care of myself. The other day I got so angry and so messed up from what was in my mind I could not separate reality and I hit my son. And I could hear w hat he was saying and I could not comprehend it. The words made no sense to me. Didn't even know it was him. I just could see metal everywhere and could hear yelling and feel everything and see everything. And then lashed out. and he just was standing there. I think i might have lashed out even if he wasn't there. It wasn't I don't know . It was an accident I did not mean to do it but who cares excuses.

This is t completing frustrating me. Now I know everybody here will probably not want me around since a lot of people got hurt as kids too. I feel like a monster. I have never done anything like that in my life. Ever. I sent him to live with his mother for now. Maybe permanently. I realize I can't take care of him. I feel like I want to die. (not a suicide threat) i just feel like that. I don't know how to deal. I should be strong enough to handle this. I haven't joined anything like this before so I don't know what the protocol is. I'm older, i was in war. i was pulled out a year ago. What happened in there made everything that happeend to me in the past worse. and that stuff in there was just . I can't eve be gin. i hear stome stories here. People saw people die and i waish that was all to be honset. I just wish taht was it.

read about the combat ptsd thing. And it just it I don't want to be a bunch of labels. I don't want to be that person. i just had to quickly get rid of everybody around me. And just try and fix this. somehow. I don't know. I just kind of rambled on there, then.Just came on here to learn. I don't know. maybe ask if anybody has ever done something really stupid like I have. or if the physical thing is normal. Or if I"m crazy.

 

[Brontie]

sea,

You are not crazy. You did the right thing sending your son to be with his mother. Good for you. Recognising that having him with you might be a problem just now was absolutely a good thing.

What you have to do now is get yourself some help. Go see your doctor. And if you find it difficult to talk then write down how you are feeling and what you are experiencing and take it along with you. You could just take a copy of this post if you like. You might just need some medication to calm the mind in order to see things more clearly. Please go ask for some help.

I hope you will continue to post here.

 

[ktmarie71]

I dont think you are a monster. I am glad you put your son first by making sure he is safe. Please seek help with this. You will feel so much better but it will take courage on your part to seek out the help, to do the work even when you are scared.
I was afraid that when I went for help that people might think I was repulsive. I had no control over being in that situation but I just felt so damanged, toxic, dirty and rotting from the inside. I was working so hard at being normal, and everything was just sort of seeping out anyway. Making me irritable, angry and afraid.
I also felt somehow that maybe I was making this up...maybe aspects of the story werent true and I was just going crazing...even though there was plenty of legal documentation to show that indeed this had happened...I still felt like a liar somehow. My therapist looked me in the eye and said "I believe you. Lots of people with PTSD feel the same way." I cant tell you how relieved I was.
By the way, my husband has described some of what you were talking about as far as being in that place and not sure if you are really here or there. He has PTSD from his time in Iraq. with therapy it doesnt happen as much now and Ive learned to see signs that something has triggered him and usually that is when I take his hand and make a joke, this usually pulls him back...it works for him, I know it wouldnt work for everyone, but I guess my point is, you cant do it alone, you need too seek help so you can figure out ways to deal with it.
Lashing out is also very common. I love my husband, I know he would never hurt me on purpose, but just after the war he did scare the hell out me and our daughter a couple of times.
I think that if you get help and if you stop hiding you will get more control over it, and you can repair things with your son, you can be honest about having PTSD and tell him you are sincerly sorry. People you love dont have to know the details of what happened to you, but they do have to know what is going on now. They might surprise you and really be more understanding then you think.
One last thing...you can be an example to your son of how a man couragously faces his challenges even when he is afraid to do so. I have so much pride and respect for my husband because he went for help. I watched other soldiers we knew come home and refuse to face it..most of them are not married anymore, their children fear them and more than a few ended up in jail. I am so greatful mine didnt put me through that. I hope this helps some. No matter what remember that mistakes we make dont have to be who we are. OK. Its never too late to make a change.
I wish all the grace and healing you need.

 

[mohsen]

Hello, sea , you've been at war for sometimes, and your mind still is in alarm, so everything that reminds you of war, maybe triggers a flashback.

You're neither crazy nor someone to blame

These symptoms are completely normal, and it's how the brain work. It separates the stressful memories from the other memories, hiding or trying to get rid of these feeling is not a solution, instead you have to face them, you must follow your flashbacks. It is a signal from your mind, telling you, there are some memories still needing to be processed. Just like when you get sick, symptoms slowly starting to show themselves, PTSD also is an illness that should be treated carefully.

You can get some books or see some doctors to help you through this. I've been through this before, I was a stay at home man who had been trying to hide himself from everything that triggers a flashback, but now I'm looking for these triggers, because I know they are the clue to what really happened in the past..

 

[sea]

Thank you.

 

[wife of]

I know i'm late in finding this...you are not alone..my husband could of written this.

 

[sea]

Hi wife of. I have heard some stuff about your husband and it sounds pretty similar to things I have done in the past. My supporter has an account on here and she has read your stuff too and says she can relate quite a lot.

(By the way, it is really f*cking trippy to see this thread pop up, lol how totally embarrassing. The worst part is I sound pretty much the exact same, except with better grammar. :rolleyes: )

 

[wife of]

May I ask who you supporter is? Pm me if you don't want to put it in here.

Keep your chin up mate.

More people care than you think.