Feeling So Incredibly Alone

[canucklady]

It feels like I am in a deep dark hole and everytime I try to climb out, I get kicked back down. That is what recovering from PTSD feels like, and PTSD is kicking the s--t out of me. Even with people who care about me around, it is hard to be with them. Part of me died so long ago. I don't think I have much left.

 

[Riger]

Even with people who care about me around, it is hard to be with them.

I know exactly how you feel. Not only did it extend to my real-close friends that I spent the year with in Iraq, but it's my immediate family as well. It is hard-so hard to try and explain to my son why Daddy doesn't wanna go outside with him. But I am trying. I just take it one day at a time, with Baby-Steps.

 

[wildfirewildone]

I share the same feeling of lonliness...I was soooo happy and blessed that a couple of our community were on CHAT earlier this evening....It was uplifting to bring some humour into our conversation!!!!:smile: .......SPREADING THE PEACE

 

[Lisa]

I think PTSD in essence is a lonely, long road. But you are amongst those who walk it too... but I certainly understand the despair at times, and feeling like you lost yourself years ago....

All I can say is keep on keeping on canucklady. I wish I could make it easier.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The depression sucks

I know how hard it can be, I know how the depression feels like it is sucking the life right out of you. I have got a handle on most of the other crap of PTSD except for the depression side of it. So I do know how you feel.

I finally had to make a decision 2 1/2 yrs ago. It was either the depression, or me. So I finally had to go on an anti depressant. After 30 yrs of struggle I had to. I have been on Cymbalta and it has done wonders. I am thinking of trying to wean off of it, and going it alone again.

I don't have words of wisdom other than the normal stuff.

Eat, exercise, force your self to get up and go out. Force yourself to do things. Talk about it, and then talk some more. Get it out.

PTSD sucks, and depression sucks.. But we can find ways to manage both of them. Don't give up......

Wendy

 

[sparta21]

I understand completely. I feel alone and like I've never even known a real me without the pain and loneliness. I'm starting to feel that there is a better life over the clouds. Don't know how to get there yet, but I feel it's there. Your not alone. Keep posting and reading. Hope this helps a bit. It's sooo f**k'n tough. No easy answer.

 

[canucklady]

It does help to know there are people who understand. Although, I am saddened that there are so many of you who also suffer from PTSD. This has taken 10 yrs of my life, and I am only 35. So these past 10 yrs have been like a waste. I have lost alot because of trauma, my career, trust, faith, even my soul. I look in the mirror and see eyes with no soul. Just dead inside. When ex said he would make sure no else would have me, he certainly succeeded. He still has power over me, in my sleep in my life. I hate him!!!! I want him out of my mind!!! Just not sure how to do that. He terrorized me for so long. How do I not jump when I hear a noise, or someone come up from behind? How do I trust another person, let alone another man? Just so damn hard.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Canucklady,

If you really believe what your ex told you then there isn't anyway that you can overcome this. He was the sick one, he was the one that abused you, he had the issues. He was the control freak.

You need to look at YOU!!!!! Look at the person that YOU are. Think of all of the things in life that YOU have done for others and yourself. Think about YOU as a person. Ask yourself some questions.

Are you at all like your ex?

Would you do the things that he has done?

Would you hurt people like he has done????

Are you a caring person??

Are you a giving person???

Do you want to be a victim or a survivor????

Write your ex a letter. Tell the creep everything you hate about him. What he did to you. How it has effected you. Call him names, write down everything that you feel. Then burn it, and burn the thoughts of him out of your mind. Anger will only hold you where you are. If you don't get over the anger you can't move forward.

By thinking about him all the time, you are allowing him to have power over you. Concentrate on YOU and you will move forward....

I wish you well. I hope that you can overcome this. Only you have the power to do this.

Wendy

 

[canucklady]

Just starting to feel angry

SheCat, I hear what you are saying. I understand. It is just recently that I have been even able to feel anger. I have written so many letters to him. In fact had to write a Victim Impact Statement. Alot of good that did, he got probation and anger management classes. I know I am on self-destructive mode at the moment, I can feel myself spiralling out of control. And all of this is bringing up stuff from childhood that I had buried and locked away. Now I know what they mean when they say, it will come out one way or another. And the things I am remembering, just dont seem real. Maybe it is the beginning of going crazy.

 

[pandora]

You are not going crazy but i sure know it feels that way. keep coming here, keep writing and try as hard as you can ( and I know it feels hopeless at times) but you have to change your mind set if you can. Just being here shows that you want to improve, understand this illness. You will get through this........we all will. I know you said part of you died but that is the old you. Try to start a new life with a new you. keeping positive is key. One day at a time. You will get there. As you can see by my name...PTSD does bring out a lot of past issues and once we start remembering it can start to feel overwhelming and like it is going to take over. Don't let PTSD do this to you. I am having a good day so i feel rather optimistic today, as you can see and we all have good and bad days. i wish you better days to come.
Take Care.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Canucklady,

Pandora is right... You are not going crazy. We have all been there.... Please don't think that you are. It may feel it, but in reality you aren't. PTSD is so ugly. It makes us feel so many awful things, yes including feeling crazy. It's only a feeling. It's not real.....

As far as the anger issue. Please just understand this.. Feeling anger is ok. We have ever right to feel angry. We have every right to feel rage, hatred, and every other emotion that comes along with what we have been through. It's just there there is a time to let it go, because it can cause more damage than good. Try and process your anger in a healthy way. Don't aim it at you. Like I said before what happened to you was HIS sickness, his issues, he was the control freak, and an abuser. It isn't you.

Try to do healthy things. Things that might bring a smile to your face,(even if only for a minute) go buy a good book, a plant, go to a movie, take a bubble bath, have a pedicure. Do something good for you....We all deserve a reward for what we have been through, what we are going through, and what we have achieved......

Be good to yourself, keep the focus on you. Your recovery, your achievements, your future.......You can do this....

Wendy

 

[canucklady]

Have apt with family doc tomorrow. My therapist is away until Aug 20th. :( I never thought I would say this, but I wish she was around so I can see her sooner. This coming from me, who avoids going to T and leaves the house at the last minute. I wish I could have some hope for future. But this past weekend was one of the worst I have had. I am fortunate I am at least working, I don't know what I would do if I wasn't working. That would just make isolation all that more unbearable.