Feelings About Termination Of Therapy

[KP the nut]

(((Iam))) I am pleased for you.

My T ended in Aug and I do miss it. I am managing and continue to push my boundaries but my safety net has gone.

I saw my T under the NHS system and had already gone beyond my allocated number of sessions and the waiting list is so long for help. I'm grateful for the sessions and help I had. Life after T has not ended as I feared, I know he is still there and I have a relapse plan.

You are doing so well, you are an inspiration to others.
KP

 

[Iam]

My EMDR T now wants me to read "The Dialetical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" and do the exercises in it.

GAH....I thought I was done!

 

[KP the nut]

I'll have to google this.

You are doing great :tup:

((HUGS))

 

[Iam]

Thanks KP.

What an encouragement to hear that "life has not ended after T like I thought it would". I'm sorry that you had to end before you may have wanted to. I do agree however that at least you got to go for a time and it soooo obviously helped you!

I have such mixed emotions about ending T. though for now it's not imminent so it doesn't really matter. I half wonder if I didn't sabotage myself so I wouldn't have to quit? The struggle with these new feelings is real however.....This is the hardest processing that I have done to date. It is not centered around a particular trauma, but instead around the pervasive belief that nobody really loves me. A totally idiotic and ridiculous belief, yet at the core of me....it is there. It's also something I REALLY don't want to confront....it just feels too overwhelming. Sigh.......

 

[KP the nut]

((((Iam))))
I don't know. I'm slightly tipsy so may not make much sense, in which case I apologise.

I've found with my PTSD, I feel good and then start to think myself into a relapse. Life is going to well, it must end soon, I will crash. I feel I am pushing myself forward in order not to crash. Then the crash is inevetable.

I don't know.

 

[Iam]

IDK either KP....I expect that we do self sabotage to an extent...I wonder if for me I don't quite know who I am apart from PTSD???? God.....I hate to think that is the case!

I REALLY want to be done, over with and free of all symptoms. I am sure that I frustrate my Ts too LOL!

 

[KP the nut]

:cry: ((((Iam)))) :cry:

I'm just tired of fighting

 

[Sterre]

My EMDR T now wants me to read "The Dialetical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" and do the exercises in it

Iam, you are doing so great! Its truly a pleasure to read about the progress you are making, even when the times are hard and rocky for you!

Right now I am reading in this book you mention, and its a good book with effective exercises in them. I can imagine that it will be handy to have the skills that the book offers, under hand in case you might experience a minor relapse or flare up of symptoms.
You will be okay Iam!!!!

Lately I am taking in a very ambivalent position in my own therapy. I go to appointments and have a good and reasuring conversation, and then when I am home I feel devastaded again and lose all confidence in the therapy and in the T. And then I abruptly stop it, and tell her that I want be coming anymore. And then we talk, and we change somthing in the therapy and I regain faith again, but then when I notice that the new style isnt working either or doesnt have any clear therapeutic line, I lose my faith again.It a start/stop motion lately.
It hasnt always been like this.I used to be very loyal and confident in towards my T and the therapy I am following with her.This was for the first for years I was in therapy with my T. But now after six years of hard work I start to lose faith. I feel like I havent made much progress in creating a better life for myself, after six years.
I am still surviving instead of living.

I lose my faith in my T, it scares me, and I feel guilty about it. I dont know how to adress it in a proper way without creating a conflict with her. I am noticing I start to blame her for not making any real progress. At the same time I feel very scared and dependend of her, and I fear that she will call it quits this time.
I am scared of the rejection, while at the same time I dont think she cant offer me the help I need to make real changes.

It feels like I am walking in circles with her. She is supportive of me, and she is really nice and caring, but we dont do the real work that needs to be done.
Ive noticed that i have become more insecure about myself and that my selfesteem is lower than it's ever been, and I think to myself that that just cant be right when you are in therapy for six years allready. I start to feel more disabled and desperate every day, and that just cant be right.
I feel like a hopeless case that just needs to be reasured and supported, but that will never make any real progress or life changes.
I wonder if I am seeing things wrongly or if I am aming to high?

So now I feel a termination of therapy is coming up, and I dont know if I should be glad or sad about it.
Do I see thing wrongly and do I dont see the progress I am making? Or is she not fit to help me deal with my cptsd?
I really dont know anymore :confused:

What is a realistic expectation after six years of intensive therapy?

( sorry if I am hijacking your topic Iam, but the topic title just seemed to fit my question)

 

[Iam]

Oh Sterre....I feel for you. I have gone thru the same feelings with my primary T, though not my trauma one. Does your T specialize in trauma? I ask this because my primary T isn't and he could only take me so far on the trauma side of things, though he is a big help in other areas. My trauma T has brought me much further in that processing of the actual traumas. I feel so lucky that my primary is secure enough in himself to be honest in suggesting I find another T for that part of my therapy.

I've complained about 2 years being a long time so I can imagine what I'll be saying a few years from now LOL! Both my T's keep reminding me that I can't change a lifetime of hurt, ingrained feelings and maladaptive coping mechanisms around quickly. Hang in there Sterre.

I think it would be important for you to state all of this to your therapist. I KNOW it's scary to do so! I was afraid my T would reject me too. I wrote down what I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way and brought it to him last Tuesday. His calm, open attitude really helped me to trust him again. More than that, I found it was safe to actually confront him with the negative emotions I was feeling towards him and not get slammed for it! It was good practice.

Maybe print out what you posted, highlight the thoughts and bring it to your next session. Afterall, these are your true feelings and your T needs to be aware of them. She doesn't need to see it, you can just use it as a reference so you don't forget anything. I think you'll be surprised at how much it helps you!

 

[Sterre]

Thanks for your advise and support Iam.

I allready adressed this issue with her twice before, and then we have conversations about the fact that I do make progress but find it hard to see the progress I make.
But I really dont see the progress, or feel the benefits of the progress I am supposed to be making. And then I start to doubt myself and feel bad about myself for not being able to notice or feel the progress I am making according to my T.
I really dont know it anymore, at this moment I feel like I am totally responsible for the outcome of therapy, like I am beeing some difficult child that isnt grateful and spoiled.
If the therapy doesnt help or benefit me, than it is my fault, because I am not able to feel or make progress.
I dont buy that anymore, I dont believe that whats she tells me is true.

There has been some minor changes, I am more aware of my cptsd and I recieved a lot of psycho-education, and that helped to understand myself better. But I am still living in my head, and there is still no connection between my head and my heart. I live on my rationel, not on my emotions, and that is becoming very exhausting and empty.
Its just not the outcome I expected over the amount of six hard years work.
My therapist tells me she is no magican, that she cant solve my daily problems for me. She doenst have to solve my daily problems for me, but I want her to help me to feel and think better of myself and to make some real progress in my life.

She is no trauma therapist, and as far as I know there are no real trauma therapist that work outside of a clinic. Trauma therapy is not big here in Holland, and its only accesable for veterans or refugees, I am neither.

What is realistic to expect after six years???????

I noticed that the last two years I only started to feel worse about myself, my self esteem is lower, my self image is more disabled that it ever was. I dont understand it?
It feels so unnatural to work so hard and to feel worse and worse about myself for such a long time now.

I asked her lately, before the current conflict, that I needed to be confronted with the things that I do well, and to dicuss them more often, instead of all the things I dont do well or find difficult. I didnt happen, we contineud to discuss the things that I dont do well.
Ive heard enough of the things or situations I dont do well or have difficulty with, its starting to backfire on me.

I dont know anymore if I am seeing things right or false, at this point in time I feel like this therapy is doing more harm to me than good.

 

[Iam]

((((KP)))) I didn't see your post about being tired of fighting. You've done a great job Kath. Maybe just rest where you are and take a break for now? You've accomplished so much. Sometimes we just need to sit with that for awhile and let it sink in.

 

[Iam]

I don't know your situation Sterre so I can hardly give advice. I don't know how your health care system works there. Would it be possible to take a break in therapy for awhile just to see how you do and if you find you need it go back?? You might be able to gauge the progress you've made easier. Plus you could find out if therapy at this point is a detriment instead of a catalyst for positive change.

I think one of the hardest things for me to remember is that feelings are just that feelings, mental and physical activity, not WHO I am. When I do grab hold of that and separate myself I can see what is actually happening more clearly. The DBT Skills Workbook is supposed to help me learn to do that.