Feels like I’m falling apart

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm having a very badly escalating chat, and I don't think I can't really speak in my language and the usual english chat I use is not working...
And I am falling apart at the seams, so much to do and I can't move for the life of me.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Can you write out the things you need to get done and assign priorities to them?
Sometime when this happens, it can seem impossible to know where to even start because everything feels critically important.

Is that how it feels for you? Perhaps putting them down and crossing them off could give you more control over things.

I’m sorry things are challenging right now but I have seen you get thru so many hurdles and triumph over life’s challenges. You can here and now too.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Warrior Chicken
I don't know, it started with things I need to do, and now it's spiraled into generally feeling hopeless.

My apartment is a mess and I have no energy for that- but I work at home, so it affects me.
I have some food, may need more, but until tomorrow I won't know if I will have money left.
I am late on several payments and although I tried staying in communication and being open, I still got yelled at- which breaks all I know and sets me off in waves of flashbacks.
I have several big life things to be focusing on for the next 3 months, and I haven't been focused on either, from other distractions.
This week- and last- my mood got way down and I've been spending more time in bed, which made it worse for sure. But at days like today it's even harder.
Tomorrow I have to give up my new laptop to a pawn shop, laptop I waited 7 years to buy(7 years more than when I thought I needed it).
Then I have to go back to working on a slow laptop with broken box that is only functioning on pure will. Which will make just searching harder and slower and not having good connection to people is actually a trigger to, so I've been having so, so many flashbacks this week, it's unreal.
It's like I got to be normal for such a short time and lost it so fast.

Oh and also- I have 1 main client for the last years that's been 80- well, 90 or more% of my income. And because of my mental health, I never found more clients. I got paid nice last deadline, but the client might be switching their job hence, I haven't heard much of them for 4 weeks. Happens sometimes when they are too busy. The first 2 weeks were fine, because I was having a mental breakdown around work and the next country earthquakes and friends there, but then I do need income.
I was sure I would figure it out, but here we are.
Oh, and, the worse I feel, the harder it is to put myself out there for more work, naturally.

I know exactly all that needs doing, and it's all so SO MUCH, and I'm so, SO LATE...

Plus despite of my usual meds for sleep, I've been sleeping very irregularly and never really being rested, so that doesn't help.

It's like a bad level of a game I need to restart, but really, I'm just too tired to restart....

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@SeekingAfrica - as you’re aware, this forum doesn’t offer crisis support. I’ve changed the title of the thread so that you can continue the discussion of issues you’ve identified, but the discussion should not be considered an alternative to seeking actual crisis support from an appropriate local service.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

That down mood can do so much to keep us immobile and it’s difficult to break it when it sets in. You have A LOT going on, it’s no wonder that it’s challenging you to the core right now. If there were no flashbacks it could be more manageable but with those, it’s like your feet keep slipping out from under you.

I totally get the video game analogy! I wish it was that easy too.

Sometimes for me if I clean one small area it feels like a big accomplishment. Then I can chip away at another piece or something or gain a fraction of clarity. Don’t know if this works for you.

Or, some form of exercise or fresh air. Can be difficult depending on flashbacks and being careful not to add more to the stress cup…..but can work quite well. Even home exercise on YouTube.

Sorry I don’t have more suggestions at the moment….these seem basic but perhaps basic can be useful?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

these seem basic but perhaps basic can be useful?

Actually they are good suggestions, thank you. There is no reset button so I have to start somewhere.
After panic-writing all this, I actually made dinner and decided I'm going to bed after.
And letting the day go. Tomorrow hopefully I can start untangling it all. But for today my energy is just below 0. I spend all my emotions in flashbacks and panicking and there isn't much left. I did do some crunches in different variations and plank for a bit earlier, just so I haven't done nothing, if that counts.

Tomorrow... fresh start. This is a lot but short of being someone else, I have to actually slowly untangle it.

Mod Note:
@SeekingAfrica - as you’re aware, this forum doesn’t offer crisis support. I’ve changed the title of the thread so that you can continue the discussion of issues you’ve identified, but the discussion should not be considered an alternative to seeking actual crisis support from an appropriate local service.

I am aware, I was looking for suggestions for sites that others may know. Since the answer I got seemed helpful in a different way I went with it, because you never know what may help. I appreciate your kindness in switching the title though as I believe we did start a discussion that is helping me. Thank you!

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I did do some crunches in different variations and plank for a bit earlier, just so I haven't done nothing

Great! I don’t know if you’re someone who is exceptionally hard on themselves and holds themselves to an exceedingly high standard. Many of us on the forum are by virtue of some of our experiences unfortunately….so, that “doing” you write of, means a lot.
Don’t forget though, it’s ok to do nothing sometimes too!

And letting the day go. Tomorrow hopefully I can start untangling it all

I’m with you and hope tomorrow feels more bite sized. Wishing you good rest.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Great! I don’t know if you’re someone who is exceptionally hard on themselves and holds themselves to an exceedingly high standard. Many of us on the forum are by virtue of some of our experiences unfortunately….so, that “doing” you write of, means a lot.
Don’t forget though, it’s ok to do nothing sometimes too!

I’m with you and hope tomorrow feels more bite sized. Wishing you good rest.

I'm still here- for whatever reason.
Nothing is threatening my life, except that I need a job, but I'm okay. Or I should be okay. I read my jourmal from that hellish time all this began for me. The trauma entangled with me looking for work and thinking if I gave it every ounce of soul I had left, I can still come on top. Spoiler alert: I didn't.

Now it cuts to my core, looking for work. I'm the type of person to give ALL to whatever they do, and the last time I gave everything to job hunting, and allowed myself to have hope, it nearly killed me. I know I'm at a different place and safe, and giving 80% would be better than being frozen in bed or laying on the ground pondering the point of applying. I know. I just- I know now. I remember now. I know why I've been freezing at interviews and applications and why other people seem to just find jobs and for me it always feels like this bloody, nausiating, scary process. I remember now. I was much stronger at the time, I was young and stronger and every day of those 4 months living in danger broke me and crushed me and stomped over the pieces. And I've build and rebuild myself and so much of what I was afraid would never come back did, eventually. But looking for work? It's easier than few years ago, but a decade of PTSD and looking for work still feels like this bloody, crushing process that I am not sure I'm strong enough to go through. Logic has left the building. This is all feeling and a strong one at that.

And you said I'm going through a lot- but there's so much more. It's such a time. It doesn't feel like I can.... I don't even know. Some days I'm me again- or some new version of it anyway, and a lot of pieces are back plus I've learned much over time. And then there are days like today when the idea of doing anything feels like too much. How does one navigate that??
Still here in any case. And yes, I am very much a perfectionist. I guess if I want to move forward I'll have to settle for one bit at a time. Not try to give it everything I have to a big project but take a tiny chunk and give it a timed amount to navigate it and try.