Fiance Has Nightmares And Hallucinations. Help? *trigger Warning*

[lizis8bit]

Hey guys, my name is Liz. I'm really new to this site, actually signed up like five minutes ago, and I'm hoping I'm in the right place.

I've only been with my man about a year now. We just recently had a child three weeks ago, and things have been going fairly well; up until now. His nightmares have become atrocious and his hallucinations are worse than ever, to the point of where he won't talk to me about them. With the stress of a new baby, and with added stress from work and moving, they've become his living nightmare. The only reason I know that they've become so bad is from my mother who spoke with him earlier in confidence on his behalf.

* He went through a tough childhood. An abusive step-father who tied his arms behind his back and tossed him out of a three story window, among other things, and a mother who just denied everything, despite seeing the bruises and the constant broken bones are what started off his life. When he was ten, he witnessed his younger adoptive brother get shot in the neck and bleed out in the street, while he hid behind a trash can or mail box - I can't remember which at the moment. About a month before we got together, his five year old son from a previous relationship had passed away in a car accident because his son's mother drove while high on meth, and of course, she survived the accident. *

He, to me, hallucinates seeing his baby brother and his son. Sometimes they're normal, and other times they're decaying. I know that to him, they're as real as you and I. Recently, from what I've been told by my fiance and my mother, he sees his little brother standing over our child's crib, singing horrible songs to her about killing her/my fiance- I'm honestly not sure which. He has tried therapy in the past and it didn't work; neither did medication, so he's not willing to try to go again with an open mind that for the sake of our new baby girl, this may work this time.

As you can imagine, as a new, first time mother, this really really concerns me. My fiance's vise used to be drugs before we met, and alcohol before and after we'd met. He made me a promise to stop drinking as much as he was - as much as a 24 case in one sitting - and he's kept his promise.

I don't know what to do, if there's anything I can do, to help him. I feel like I can't help him, honestly, and I really truly want to. I'm asking for advice here, because I don't know where else to turn.

If you have any tricks or just anything at all, like advice or reprimand on my part, please feel free to add onto this thread. I just want to help him get through this.

Thank you so much.

 

[Em C.]

Hey Liz!

First off sorry to hear what you're going through I know it's rough and all things considered I think you are doing a Marvelous job! *hugs*

If he isn't willing to do therapy or meds there isn't too much you can do (in my opinion, others may disagree). Would he be willing to do yoga or something at the gym? That could help. Also with the nightmares, what I was suggested to do with ones with recurring themes is write a story that is like the dream and realistically change the outcome so that it ends less traumatically.

You have to be aware that you can't fix him and you have to not kill yourself trying to do so. Be there for support and love but that's really all you can do-- especially since you have a child to consider.

Lots of hugs to you both!

 

[Recovery4Me]

If you have any tricks or just anything at all, like advice or reprimand on my part, please feel free to add onto this thread. I just want to help him get through this.

*You also mentioned that he does alcohol and drugs*
I understand, I truly do hear you.:hug: You asked...I may not be a favorite response but I assure you it is as my loving opinion as a seasoned 12 stepper.
I am a adult child of an alcoholic.

When someone chooses a partner with substance abuse there is a saying sometimes used...
You took them knowingly: walk on your side of the street and 'fix' things within yourself.:cry:

In order to learn to assist and not utilize enabling behaviors, for the sake of your mental health, the child and the relationship...please consider a 12 step group such as alanon or coda. Your example will heal yourself, strengthen your choices and set the most honorable example...a role model. It can be encouragement, hope and a breath taking journey for your soul and your love.

Take what you need...and leave the rest.

 

[lizis8bit]

I appreciate both of your posts greatly. I wasn't entirely sure if anyone was going to actually reply here! And sorry for my own late reply.

Please note that I'm not trying to "fix" him. I understand that what he's going through takes time, effort, and the want to change and get better- not just from me, but from him as well. I just want to attempt to make life better and a tad easier for him.

Would he be willing to do yoga or something at the gym? That could help. Also with the nightmares, what I was suggested to do with ones with recurring themes is write a story that is like the dream and realistically change the outcome so that it ends less traumatically.

I honestly had never thought of that! Maybe that would help him in the long run, or at least put some of these demons to bed. Thank you so much for the suggestion! As for yoga or the gym, we're fixing to join up with a gym in order to be healthier for our child; so maybe working out that aggression would do some good for him.

*You also mentioned that he does alcohol and drugs*

He doesn't use drugs anymore, and he doesn't abuse alcohol anymore either. The drugs stopped some years ago. I personally don't mind a beer here or there, with dinner or hanging out with friends, but to drink a liquor store in one sitting isn't healthy at all, mentally or physically. I think I will, however, talk to him about going into a 12 step program. Even if it's just bringing up the idea, he might do it.

I'm not going to force anything on him. He needs to have the want to get better, and I feel like he does have that desire. He's expressed it to me before. I'm sure that having a new baby, and adding stress of moving and our relationship strained from said stress of parenthood and whatnot isn't helping the situation at all. Perhaps what we need is just a date night or a mini vacation to ourselves to reconnect. That way he might not feel so alone in all of this.

He has a loving support system between me and my family. We're here for him, and anything he's willing to try, he's got our support 110%.

Thank you guys so much, once again. :hug: If you guys don't mind, I'll post updates with everything here, with his permission., and if I'd still be on the right board! Lol.