Fighting Negative Thoughts About My Therapist

[desiderata310]

A few weeks ago I was convinced that my therapist was trying to get rid of me. There's a whole thread for that. Honestly, I"m right back there again. I'm trying hard not to feel that way but I am losing that battle.

One thing to keep in mind is that my therapist has Lyme Disease.

Two weeks ago, we agreed to give outdoor therapy a try. In passing, as I was leaving that day, he asked if he had mentioned that he was going to be gone the following week. He hadn't. He said he would keep in touch and would be available via text if I needed him.

The out door therapy got mixed reviews that Tuesday but we agreed to give it another go that Thursday only he didn't show.

I showed up to the trial head and waited and then at our appointed time, he texted me and begged off because he was feeling bad and rescheduled for that Saturday. Saturday morning came and no text about where to meet. Instead I went for a run. My run takes me past his office. I saw that his car was there. Later, he texted an apology and the explanation that he was still feeling bad. He said he would do a phone check in later that day. He never called.

This past week he went on vacation so it's been two weeks almost since I've had a session (I was going two times a week) I texted him once but got no response and I've tried very hard to just deal with things on my own.

Friday night he agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon. Saturday morning he begged off and asked to meet this afternoon. I can't go this afternoon. I've texted and asked if another time would be available. No response.

I've been trying to hold it together but honestly, I'm not. Add to that that my therapist is completely uncommunicative since early yesterday when he cancelled and I am really having a hard time believing that he is just feeling bad. (and I don't know that this is the case since he didn't clarify)

At this point I am ready to throw in the towel and tell him to f*ck off and quit therapy. I should have NEVER allowed myself to become at ALL dependent on anyone. People just let you down anyway.

 

[scout86]

People just let you down anyway.

It's kind of sad, but that's "people". Even if we don't want to, even if we can't help it, sometimes we let people down.

I have a couple of clients with chronic Lyme's disease. It sounds pretty ugly and I know it can be pretty debilitating. From everything you've said about him elsewhere, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who would just blow you off. Give the poor guy a chance, he's probably just sick! And, it's probably hard to be a good therapist when you're sick too, when you think about it.

Sorry this is happening, but maybe it's a chance to practice something other than "black and white" thinking. (?)

 

[desiderata310]

That's part of the problem. I don't know this is the case. In the past he's clarified that it's the Lyme Disease and the medication that was making him feel bad and not meeting. I can totally get that! All of this is with ZERO explanation. I've had to make excuses for him for the last two weeks and this is all immediately on the tail of me thinking that he was trying to get rid of me.

 

[scout86]

And I can easily see how that's hard. I had an episode awhile back where I thought my T was ready to "fire" me. And, I wouldn't have blamed him either. When I asked him about it, (which I finally did because it was driving me nuts worrying about it) he told me that, of all the clients he had at that time, I was probably "the least fireable". (He made up some word that doesn't exist. Don't remember what it was exactly.) He said that, if he decided to do that, I'd be the first to know. There have been times since when I've wondered, for sure. I've decided to hang on to the promise that he'll tell me and assign all my doubts to the category of "me, finding problems that don't exist because I sometimes have a skewed way of looking at things."

There's so MUCH of the last line in your original post that resonates with me! I wish I had a dollar for all the times in my life I've berated myself for trusting someone, even a little.... The thing is, I now know that I have a tendency to do that (and so do you, I think). "Not trusting" hasn't really worked all that well for me, although "trusting" hasn't either. (Sorry I'm meandering here!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, ask yourself how much of this is "him" and how much of it is you "reacting to the situation"? What's it going to cost to wait for an explanation? What's it going to cost you to trust him a little bit longer? I can't imagine he wouldn't flat out tell you, if he was trying to get rid of you. What possible motive could he have for handling things that way? He's a professional, in a professional relationship, not some teenage kid with his first girl friend.

 

[Jane.l]

I have this a bit with my T from time to time . Although I am totally with you there is no excuse for not communicating what is going on - to me that is just plain rude - and if he has to cancel you a phone call and proper explanation would really help you cope .

When I get in a similar situation I now send him an email and tell him how effected I am by his actions - kinda, I am pissed at you and this is why. Once it's off my chest we usually sort it and I do sometimes feel I have given him a hard time when perhaps he didn't deserve it when it's sorted but sometimes it really needs saying .

Tell him you are mad at him - see how he responds and take from there.

Feel for you I know it gets me in a really bad place

 

[desiderata310]

That's the other part of this @Jane.l I don't actually feel I have any right to get mad at him. I don't feel like I can say that to him. simply telling him two weeks ago that I was upset and that I thought he was trying to fire me was almost more than I could do and the conversation after was excruciating . Actually the thought of sending him any message at all has me in tears right now.

I want that reassurance but I can't ask for it.

I've intruded and I've become dependent; Both very dangerous things. Maybe I really should quit. Being dependent on someone for anything- even a tiny bit is bad.

I have no other choice but to wait. I'm too chicken shit to email or text him again.

If I don't hear from him by Tuesday I will know.

 

[scout86]

Being dependent on someone for anything- even a tiny bit is bad.

Don't you have people who depend on YOU? Is that bad too, or just when you do it? What about the rest of us, are we also "too dependent" on our therapists? What's wrong with depending on someone, exactly?

 

[Jane.l]

I really agree with scout if he was trying to get rid of you this would hardly be the way to do it .

I expect he just isn't aware of either quite what a chain of let downs this has been or he thinks he has handled it in a better way than he has .

 

[Jane.l]

I get the dependency issue - if you read any of my posts they nearly all have this problem at the heart of them - for me to trust and be open - I have also become needy and over dependant , I try not to beat myself up too much about it , it totally makes sense when you think about it . On a good day I tell myself it's ok and it's not forever and it's necessary to get this crap done but I know when things aren't quite right it's very painful.

 

[desiderata310]

Don't you have people who depend on YOU? Is that bad too, or just when you do it? What about the rest of us, are we also "too dependent" on our therapists? What's wrong with depending on someone, exactly?

I have had people who depend on me and I've let them down terribly which is why they don't anymore.
Being dependent on someone puts me at risk. They get to know me too well and wind up finding out what my weaknesses are and exploiting them.
If you can be dependent on someone and not get hurt that's great. I've never been able to do that.

 

[Jane.l]

Sorry - last point - if you are going to tell him where to stick his therapy - you really have nothing to lose by expressing your frustration with him - if you are going to stick with him and don't get this on the table the doubts will keep coming and it will eat away at your trust

 

[desiderata310]

if you are going to tell him where to stick his therapy - you really have nothing to lose by expressing your frustration with him - if you are going to stick with him and don't get this on the table the doubts will keep coming and it will eat away at your trust

I actually don't have the balls to tell him where to stick his therapy. I've always been the person that figured out when people didn't want me around and made it a point to leave or at the very least make myself invisible.
I think that is what I need to do in this case: just disappear.

Trust? haha! Yeah. I don't really trust him right now. I guess that's part of why I don't feel like I can email him again.
I have a half written email that I have edited and deleted a couple of times. Trying not to sound crazy when you are is not easy.