Fighting Negative Thoughts About My Therapist

[Tinyflame]

I agree with both sides of this expressed above, that it is both potentially a symptom & potentially not altogether acceptable. It is true that we all let others down.

But has anyone ever noticed on threads with this type of issue, that such a response (or lack of) we have likely (also) experienced with not very nice people? That is, 'failing one another' is human, & we all do it, but most of us have dealt with great breeches of trust or cruelty, & I personally can say the same lack of regard came along with it. That being said, that can be a trigger to run or set off warning alarms all by itself.

I think a lot depends on what the other person is like, if it would not upset them if you did the same, well it's likely not held in high priority. Likely he also really does not feel well.

You have a right to how you feel. And ultimately, what degree to trust, or choose not to, or change your mind. I think @scout 's post #14 is the most accurate of all. And @KwanYingirl 's post #23.

 

[desiderata310]

Now for the unpopular opinion... Your T has a requirement to communicate cancelled/rescheduled appointments, they aren't required to give a detailed explanation. As much as it might help you to have a detailed explanation as to why he cancelled/rescheduled each time, he isn't required to tell you the details behind it. T's have private lives too...

Oh sweet baby Jesus now I'm the bad guy?!
f*ck.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think an explanation is required but a cancellation is. "Is a lack of one inconsiderate?", becomes the question. That is not your fault.

That is why I say, one has to (individually) weigh if it is worth it. Tempting to say 'no', at such times. But, we are all human. Just the trust erodes, or confidence in basic regard, as others have said.

But then, understanding means a lot too.

 

[Jane.l]

@mytai totally agree with a lot of your post - but in this case first he cancelled at the time of the appointment - then he didn't turn up to an appointment and then he failed to call when he said he would , then he cancelled again same day and now he hasn't returned a txt - I agree that we do have very high expectations of our T's but in this case I think desiderata deserves an explanation - infact I think she had coped really well - it would really mess me up

 

[mytai]

@desiderata310, no where in my response did I say you were the bad guy. But neither is your T for not providing a detailed explanation. He said he wasn't feeling well, that's it, he isn't obligated to provide more than that. I have been on the receiving end of a phone call or email saying that an appointment needed to be cancelled or rescheduled, from both my regular T, and my social worker. My T has only done it once, maybe twice in the entire time I've seen her, but the social worker has done it several times and it hurts every time. Some situations with the social worker required a detailed explanation because of what happened with scheduling and another client being given my slot without communicating it to me, and other times a detailed explanation would have been nice but wasn't given, and certainly wasn't required.

 

[Tinyflame]

@mytai I think she said he was ill 2 weeks ago..? As @Jane.l said above.

(In fact, as @Jane.l said, for me personally I would throw in the towel I suspect. Not necessarily wise, but nonetheless honest. )

 

[mytai]

@Jane.l, I read the full post, I'm aware of what was posted. Emergencies come up, and what none of us know except desiderata, is whether or not Saturdays and Sundays are typical business days for this T. Just because a car was at the office doesn't mean the T was there, for all we know this T could have had an emergency and left their car at the office and had to take another form of transportation. So I know how an explanation can be helpful, but a T isn't legally required to provide a detailed explanation. That's the point I'm getting at.

Sometimes we as clients in therapy have to deal with unsettling things, like this, when an appointment is cancelled. I have had it happen to me before, where I arrive at the clinic and the social worker isn't there, or is now booked with another client. It's due to poor communication sometimes. But my T has had an emergency arise before and had to shift my appointment, she couldn't let me know until last minute, but emergencies happen.

 

[mytai]

@Junebug, I know, but illness is unpredictable sometimes. Especially with Lyme's disease. Emergencies happen, life happens. It sucks, and it makes us uncomfortable and upset at times but we need to learn to cope the best we can at the time. We don't always cope well, but it makes for a learning experience. In both cases with me where I was upset by an appointment cancelled last minute, I communicated (sometimes angrily) about how I felt, and it strengthened the relationship between that particular T/social worker.

 

[scout86]

In a conversation with my T, about lying (as in, whether or not he'd ever lie to me) he said that, "sometimes the answer to a question is 'none of your business'." (Ouch!) That's exactly what he said. Maybe not his most diplomatic moment, but I guess it's better than thinking he might lie.

As I understood it, that was @mytai 's point. That we may want an explanation and appreciate one, but we aren't always OWED one. In this case, there's been enough misunderstanding and confusion that it seems like an apology as well as an explanation of some sort is in order.

Mostly, I hope the end result is better understanding and trust!

 

[GWhizz]

I'm really glad you sent it in the end, well done. Sometimes I cringe at texts/emails that I've sent to my T. But in the end I get my point heard and we work it out.

I don't have much to add. Though I agree with @Junebug about the whole human to be human thing. For me, the biggest problem I have in trusting, is knowing that when I put my trust in anyone other than myself, I must accept that that person (even if they are seemingly the most trustworthy individual you've ever known) will always have the potential to break my trust, to let me down etc.

I do worry about his inconsistency though. Yes, you can write it off due to his ill health. Though in his line of work he should not make promises or commitments which he cannot keep or at least give a cancellation notice. I am sure he must be aware of the impact this could potentially have on a client.

Clients are meant to be needy, dependent etc - all of the things we do not wish to be. But he is the professional and it is his duty of care to be sensitive to those vulnerabilities. That is why boundaries exist. Just as for me in my profession as a nurse, I would not make a promise to a patient without following up or else notifying them about why it had not occurred or when it might happen and my efforts to ensure the outcome was achieved for them. If he is currently unfit for his role fully, maybe he needs to admit this and take time out. It is not your job to worry about him. He would be better offering you temporary support with a colleague while he sorts his health issues out.

I do hope you can both work through this to resolve it or reach another outcome that is best for you both longterm.

Looking forward to hearing his response to you! :tup: Well done for braving it and voicing your needs :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the point is he didn't let her know (vs an explanation) @mytai (but maybe I'm reading this wrongly?). I respect what you are saying, but in 30+ years of work I've rarely been so ill I could not (with the information age) call or leave a message or text. If I had a contractor do that repeatedly, I'd get a different one.

I think that also raises the issues of forgiveness, accountability, & awareness of our own needs or insecurities/ issues. I know, for myself, I have trust issues, I know it's beneficial to work through them. And sometimes, I'd choose not to. And sometimes, perhaps that's ok too. We all have limits.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like @GWhizz 's perspective, I find the same with the work I do.

There is also the option to carry on & trust a little less.