Fighting Negative Thoughts About My Therapist

[desiderata310]

You didn't say I was the bad guy, no but I might as well be. My perception of this whole this is centered around his clear communication of what is going on and my feelings that I have become too much of a burden and a time suck as a client.

I do not have the gift of perspective on this one. I've tried mightily for the past two weeks to simply push forward and be ok with things while I feel like I shouldn't be granted air to breath. I feel like I've been hung out to dry.

*I* am the client who can't sit in his office because it's too triggering!

I need to quit therapy.
f*ck all of this.
I was probably better off on my own.

 

[mytai]

@Junebug, which is why I said in my first response

Your T has a requirement to communicate cancelled/rescheduled appointments, they aren't required to give a detailed explanation.

 

[Tinyflame]

I 'get' how that feels @desiderata310 . For what it's worth, I think you are judging yourself too harshly. But I understand.

I hope that something good comes out of this for you. As others have said, there is a lack of understanding of how vulnerability, trust & exhaustion all intertwine. Most people don't understand what it takes to force one's self to ask for help, or even how it feels to have no alternative but to ask. To not feel entitled to 'exist' & a burden, all the while. Then comes the conundrum of being told (in words) to challenge that belief, but the actions seem to support or confirm it.

 

[Jane.l]

Hey it's ok don't panic - it isn't your fault - we just all see things a bit differently and that's ok.

I think although he has no legal requirement to communicate with you in an effective way/ give you a reason - it seems pretty unwise to treat trauma patients this way - particularly as you have just told him of your fears he is rejecting you - but now you just need to wait for his response and find out what's going on before you make any knee jerk decisions . Hang on in there

 

[Tinyflame]

I just came back to add one thing @desiderata310 . My issues, or experiences are not yours. If I remember correctly, is this not the same person who supported you in court? (Emotionally exhausting for both of you, too, I suspect). Evidently that action showed he cares, & by it as well that he does not feel you are a burden. Or even trying to take the therapy outside, for that matter.

PTSD (to me) by it's nature is always slices or 'pieces'- pieces of memories, pieces of time, pieces of horrific happenings. Then there is 'life'- pieces of disappointment, or misunderstandings, or hurtfulness. This is a piece, but the whole picture has shown something different.

And by God there is one truism, post-trauma +/or abuse the one thing I think I can say with certainty is in my mind it's always 'my fault', my deficiency, my need, myself= the burden.

 

[GWhizz]

@desiderata310 can I be so bold as to ask what it is about your T's office that makes it too triggering to see him there? Just wondering is there another room you'd feel more comfortable in etc? I know for me I get particularly overwhelmed in a specific room in the building I meet my T at. I also get totally triggered if I lay on the couch in the main room I see her at. But I seem to have developed a particular level of comfort and safe feeling in the chair I sit at in her main office. We are also trying to work on ways to make it less formal in there as I find the whole formality of therapy quite intimidating and triggering in itself. Sucks just how hard it can be to get comfortable in the professional therapeutic space though, right?!

Please don't beat yourself up for sending him that message. My therapist always tells me I'm not doing myself any favors feeling guilty in this regard - she also tells me that I sent it for a reason so it had to have been important to me and therefore it is important for our therapeutic relationship, and more so, for my own personal growth. At least your T can voice his thoughts to you on the whole matter now and his view of you even sending such a message. What's the worst he could do? He can't fire you! Only you can fire him and even if either of you had to end it for whatever reason, it would mean that it wasn't working and you could move on and work with someone else. This is your life. It's also your therapy. You are 100% entitled to own it

 

[KwanYingirl]

"We cannot see ourselves in running water. It is only in stillness that we can see. The same is true for the mind".

Desiderata is hurting. I offer her comfort. The point is not does or does not her T owe her an explanation. He most certainly owes her compassion and validation.

 

[desiderata310]

I got an email back from my therapist.
He said:
"I'm so sorry.. Having a rough time and not handling it well. Not very professional"

I was still freaked out from this thread so I wrote back and said I was sorry over and over.

He wrote back:
"Don't be. It's totally appropriate for you to call me on it - I'm actually proud of you that you spoke up. Not easy"

I'm still shaky and crying about this. I do NOT want to go back to therapy. It just all feels wrong and scary in a way that I can't describe. I don't want to ever see him again.

I'm just going to go shut down for the night.

 

[Chosen]

I have a friend who has Lyme's Disease...it's brutal...frankly, it makes PTSD look freaking easy! There's so much pain and exhaustion involved--and there's not much health care for it & the stigma about it is horrible where docs think it's faked and unreal. My friend gets in pain just from feeling the blood pumping in her veins--at times she can barely move her hands because of how weak she is. It's just all around horrible!

I bet your T has just been in an extreme amount of pain--and when we're in that much pain...we don't react that well, and he is a human being who is going through one of the worst diseases, if not the worst, possible.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@desiderata310 just want to share my experience with you. I had a T I loved but I moved out of state and had no one. My Voc Rehab counselor was concerned because I fell into a bad depression. She recommended a T and she was very nice and she mostly just tried to elevate my mood and persuade me to face not dissociating. She moved from around the corner to Portland a 30 minute drive. I went less and less because it was inconvenient. She had always been mentioning EMDR and I have a client who I had a close relationship with because we are both recovering alcoholics. She mentioned EMDR one day and I asked if she would recommend that T. She said absolutely. She gave me his contact info and I never called. I kept the contact info. Then a YEAR later my T got promoted so I had to find a new T. I called the guy my client recommended and he is fabulous. I wish I had switched sooner. I've been seeing him for a year and I am still not stable enough to have EMDR. I used to bug him about it, but after I joined this group and read many experiences not so great with it, I told him I won't bug him anymore. He is a trauma specialist the name of his practice is the Maine Psychological Trauma Institute. I finally feel safe with him. I didn't know that I had walls up with my other two Ts until I have none. He's gently supporting me to work it as a mind/body condition and as such I see him for my head and yoga and reiki for mind/body work. I am sleeping so well now after years of nightmares. I've just started writing which I never thought would help but it does. He is such a steady Eddie when I show up in panic mode and don't know what triggered me.

If your T is too sick to work maybe this is the opportunity to find a better fit. I don't know about you, but I need a guide my mind is under the influence of PTSD. I got all my Ts by recommendation from people I respect so that was lucky.

Therapy makes me nervous. I get mad if I fall into depression, I forget most of what we talk about. But I feel truly cared for.

My hope for you that you settle your mind and ask around for recommendations. There seems to be little calm around therapy there are kind, caring and competent Ts out there. Good luck-Judy

 

[Jane.l]

@desiderata310 how are you doing today ?

 

[desiderata310]

@Jane.l .. a bit shaky today but better than yesterday and miles from where I was Sunday. I broke the silence and emailed my therapist last night to see if we were meeting. I kind of hate myself for that. I wish he had confirmed that we were meeting and where. I have a busy day and I needed to know how to plan the day at work. I have to leave early to get to my appointment.

I feel like I'm bugging him.

I'm not sure what to do about all of this. Several of you have suggested that I should consider a different therapist. The whole thing feels too daunting. Finding this one was almost an insurmountable task and in so many ways I feel like I hit the therapist jackpot (when I am not triggered out of my head over something like this)

I will try to have a conversation about his health today and if he feels this was an anomaly or if I should find someone else.