ms spock
VIP Member
In my humble opinion if you are looking for inner peace you are going completely in the wrong direction Jas. The completely wrong direction.
And you have to think about the future... and what could happen. We just don't know. Millions of years of evolution have us hardwired for family, you will get tripped up in a variety of ways. Some of us manage it better than others.
What happens in two years you if you find out you have an incurable kidney disease, and you need a transplant?
What happens in ten years one of your kids develops a rare form of cancer and you and your partner haven't got enough of whatever is required, and to keep your child alive you have to ask your family for help?
What if your Mother gets really sick and is in hospital for a couple of years, and you are coming in and out of stairwells, to see her, and you are bumping in to your abusers and their spouses? What if after you confront your Father over his sexism, he refuses to let your Mother speak to you anymore. Can you cope with that? These situations can be a complete nightmare. Once you confront the muzzles come off, and you get harassed and lashed out even more. People who are abusers are not ashamed. They will blame you. They will scapegoat your more. They will dissect you bit by bit. And every time there is a problem within the family you will get blamed, ripped apart and treated unfairly. You will unwittingly set your self up for a world more hurt and pain. Read these forums and how people's offspring confront them and then the parents diagnose them or treat them in really awful ways. Abusers won't be confronted, or feel sorry, they just find a way to make themselves the victims of your "bad" behaviours, and then you cope it even more. I have challenged on these things offline and online - it never ends well.
What if, as you are a woman, or you are young, the bank wants a family member to go guarantor for your home loan?
I had a number of psychologists insist that I "confront" my family abusers for my "healing" and for "closure". So that was a goddamned disaster, and in the long road back from all of that my psychiatrist described those scenarios of when a "therapist" or "psychologist" assists/aids/encourages a client to "confront" a client's abuser in aid of their recovery, that it is the therapist's needs that are getting met in that scenario, not the clients. The "psychologist" is unable to confront an important situation in their own lives, so they try to get their clients to do it for them.
I would really be seeking a second opinion on all the advice that you have been getting, and not from one of the "psychologist's" friends.
I have never read that you have successfully moved out and lived away from home. Are you still living with your Mother right now? If so it is unconscionable that your therapist/psychologist/whatever this person is mean to be, is encouraging you to go down this road. You will end up recreating the hell you grew up in, and you will also get retraumatised.
After I confronted my abusers, at the urging of my psychologist, one of my male family rapists tried to rape me again. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for them to come after you and destroy your reputation and make it really hard for you to get a job? Are you ready for them to come after you and to have a whole lot of choices removed from your life because you confronted them? It gets really nasty really quickly, and there is no going back from that shit. It becomes like a life sentence.
After I confronted sections of my family it was like a gave them a license to really come after in a whole range of ways. If you are getting a loan, are you sure that no one in your family is buddies with someone at the bank? If you need back up, do you have a wide social network outside of your family, where you can your needs met? Have you successfully lived away from your Mother and those dynamics for more than 12 months? Are you stable?
And if you want to thumb your nose at them, then the best form of revenge is success. Looking after yourself and getting on with your life.
Get a proper trauma trained psychiatrist or psychologist. Have the loan from the bank and the house moved into. Make sure you are very, very safe before you even think of confrontation.
Because I confronted I have a whole generation of nieces and nephews that I will never meet. Confronting didn't assist my healing or recovery in any way. It just added a couple extra decades of struggle, fear, weariness, loneliness, pain, isolation, ruminations and head shit in a spin.
And when you confront and other people see how poorly you are treated, they are less likely to reach out to you and share their abuse with you because they don't want to get tarred with the same scapegoat brush as you are being/have been tarred with.
Go overseas for your year!
Go travelling for a year.
Get a scholarship and do a PhD in another country. Do something with that bright mind of yours rather than buying in to all this drama.
In the end you will be the one that suffers, they won't feel a thing. Those people rarely do. Unfair = yes, absolutely.
Success is the best revenge. Maybe do something around gender in India, and work out a way to assist a whole generation of women suffering from sexism get out from under it. You have the brain power to do it. Don't let the abusers keep you small, and locked in your own tormented world/mind. The planet needs all the help it can get right now. You are needed to save the joint. Make a break, go a way, go to another country and get some proper trauma sensitive treatment.
Don't go down this path, otherwise you will end up like me. I am 47, and I am still angry at my family, and it consumes my life, and I really confronted my family on multiple occasions as instructed by my "psychologists". I got retraumatised, and retraumatised. I am f*cked by this "confronting" paradigm. It didn't work, and it made things a whole lot worse.
My two cents, ignore if not helpful. I haven't been logging in, but I saw what you wrote, and I was most concerned. My honest response is "NO, NO, NO etc"
They know and they don't care, and if you confront and challenge them, they will come after you again. And it gets a whole lot worse this time round! If they were the people that would acknowledge things then they wouldn't be abusers. You are not going to get what you are looking for. You will NEVER get acknowledgement of what they did to you, how they made you suffer, how much you struggle to get through the day, how difficult things are to do like sleeping, eating and being around other people is so totally difficult to do. You won't get any validation or acknowledgement from them.
And you have to think about the future... and what could happen. We just don't know. Millions of years of evolution have us hardwired for family, you will get tripped up in a variety of ways. Some of us manage it better than others.
What happens in two years you if you find out you have an incurable kidney disease, and you need a transplant?
What happens in ten years one of your kids develops a rare form of cancer and you and your partner haven't got enough of whatever is required, and to keep your child alive you have to ask your family for help?
What if your Mother gets really sick and is in hospital for a couple of years, and you are coming in and out of stairwells, to see her, and you are bumping in to your abusers and their spouses? What if after you confront your Father over his sexism, he refuses to let your Mother speak to you anymore. Can you cope with that? These situations can be a complete nightmare. Once you confront the muzzles come off, and you get harassed and lashed out even more. People who are abusers are not ashamed. They will blame you. They will scapegoat your more. They will dissect you bit by bit. And every time there is a problem within the family you will get blamed, ripped apart and treated unfairly. You will unwittingly set your self up for a world more hurt and pain. Read these forums and how people's offspring confront them and then the parents diagnose them or treat them in really awful ways. Abusers won't be confronted, or feel sorry, they just find a way to make themselves the victims of your "bad" behaviours, and then you cope it even more. I have challenged on these things offline and online - it never ends well.
What if, as you are a woman, or you are young, the bank wants a family member to go guarantor for your home loan?
I had a number of psychologists insist that I "confront" my family abusers for my "healing" and for "closure". So that was a goddamned disaster, and in the long road back from all of that my psychiatrist described those scenarios of when a "therapist" or "psychologist" assists/aids/encourages a client to "confront" a client's abuser in aid of their recovery, that it is the therapist's needs that are getting met in that scenario, not the clients. The "psychologist" is unable to confront an important situation in their own lives, so they try to get their clients to do it for them.
I would really be seeking a second opinion on all the advice that you have been getting, and not from one of the "psychologist's" friends.
I have never read that you have successfully moved out and lived away from home. Are you still living with your Mother right now? If so it is unconscionable that your therapist/psychologist/whatever this person is mean to be, is encouraging you to go down this road. You will end up recreating the hell you grew up in, and you will also get retraumatised.
After I confronted my abusers, at the urging of my psychologist, one of my male family rapists tried to rape me again. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for them to come after you and destroy your reputation and make it really hard for you to get a job? Are you ready for them to come after you and to have a whole lot of choices removed from your life because you confronted them? It gets really nasty really quickly, and there is no going back from that shit. It becomes like a life sentence.
After I confronted sections of my family it was like a gave them a license to really come after in a whole range of ways. If you are getting a loan, are you sure that no one in your family is buddies with someone at the bank? If you need back up, do you have a wide social network outside of your family, where you can your needs met? Have you successfully lived away from your Mother and those dynamics for more than 12 months? Are you stable?
Yeah you are never done with family, they always find away to have a bit of a go. Don't go stirring up a hornet's nest so you have even more to deal with.
And if you want to thumb your nose at them, then the best form of revenge is success. Looking after yourself and getting on with your life.
Get a proper trauma trained psychiatrist or psychologist. Have the loan from the bank and the house moved into. Make sure you are very, very safe before you even think of confrontation.
Because I confronted I have a whole generation of nieces and nephews that I will never meet. Confronting didn't assist my healing or recovery in any way. It just added a couple extra decades of struggle, fear, weariness, loneliness, pain, isolation, ruminations and head shit in a spin.
And when you confront and other people see how poorly you are treated, they are less likely to reach out to you and share their abuse with you because they don't want to get tarred with the same scapegoat brush as you are being/have been tarred with.
Go overseas for your year!
Go travelling for a year.
Get a scholarship and do a PhD in another country. Do something with that bright mind of yours rather than buying in to all this drama.
In the end you will be the one that suffers, they won't feel a thing. Those people rarely do. Unfair = yes, absolutely.
Success is the best revenge. Maybe do something around gender in India, and work out a way to assist a whole generation of women suffering from sexism get out from under it. You have the brain power to do it. Don't let the abusers keep you small, and locked in your own tormented world/mind. The planet needs all the help it can get right now. You are needed to save the joint. Make a break, go a way, go to another country and get some proper trauma sensitive treatment.
Don't go down this path, otherwise you will end up like me. I am 47, and I am still angry at my family, and it consumes my life, and I really confronted my family on multiple occasions as instructed by my "psychologists". I got retraumatised, and retraumatised. I am f*cked by this "confronting" paradigm. It didn't work, and it made things a whole lot worse.
My two cents, ignore if not helpful. I haven't been logging in, but I saw what you wrote, and I was most concerned. My honest response is "NO, NO, NO etc"
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