Other Finally Realizing My Man Has Ptsd

[Livelifeagain]

I am a middle aged woman who has been in a five year roller coaster relationship w/a man that I am now realizing suffers from PTSD.
in the beginning of the relationship I thought he only had anger issues. He would yell at me, tell me he was feeling "rage"(red flag), comment negatively on my choice of attire, get upset w/my daughter (6 at time)for saying my ex-husband' s name (my ex-husband is a trigger for him), calling me nasty names etc. he has told me he did some work yrs ago at Guantanamo bay. I suspect being in that setting caused some of the PTSD.
I tried leaving a few times but always allowed him to talk me back into the relationship b/c he would say he knew the "issue " was his. He even went for therapy a few times....barely if at all helped.
Fast forward to this year, I am a angry, bitter and traumatized woman b/c of the yrs I have spent w/this man. I am angry with him for what he has put me & my children through(we have one child together ). I don't trust him b/c of his past promises to take care of his issue & I swear I have PTSD now. I also had what can only be described as a mini breakdown this yr. due in part to my stress levels around this relationship.
He recently told me he is once again seeing a therapist. This time w/someone who is knowledgable on anger. However, the therapist has been talking to him about PTSD!...why would a therapist talk to him about that unless he has it?-he won't confirm that he has PTSD. But all signs indeed point to this.
I suffer from depression & have a therapist. Being w/this man has been incredibly draining at times . My therapist had suggested I run not walk away from this man in the past. I still love him but need to take care of me.
I am glad I found this site & I support those of you diagnosed with or loving someone who had PTSD.

 

[Glenn R.]

Livelifeagain - I hear you loud and clear! PTSD can very easily become a family illness........and fast. I completely believe your symptoms and the environment you developed them in has caused you tremendous trauma. Sounds like his new therapist hit the nail right on the head with his diagnosis. It took me years to be diagnosed properly. If he had been treated for simple rage alone, it is not surprising he has made few strides.

Trust me, every time he acts out on his anger, he feels tremendous guilt, which is what leads to the promises of change, but this is no walk in the park. I have personally found that it is very difficult for a traumatized person to exit an abusive relationship. But the option is always there, and with support from others, it becomes somewhat easier. This is how I finally exited them.

 

[Neverthesame]

He may have PTSD or he may not. Either way, he has no excuse to treat you or your children like garbage.

I tend to agree with your therapist. He needs to sort his shit out, get himself to a place where he can control himself. As he is right now, he is simply abusive.

The best thing you can do right now is, take care of yourself and your children. You do not need or deserve to be abused. Your children definitely don't.

 

[Livelifeagain]

Glenn, thanks for responding to my post. I kind of understand PTSD. I was abused as a young child by a family friend & I have symptoms of PTSD now from being in this relationship too: on guard quite often, flashbacks of really nasty moments w/him, afraid I will say something to set him off, not sleeping well, more anxious than usual(I have always had low level anxiety) the list goes on. I really want to stay w/ him & be there for him but I have nothing to give any longer. I feel beat down emotionally & drained. I am actually terrified that he will slip into old patterns & I won't know how to react. What if the next breakdown puts me over the edge?. He has only been in the most recent therapy for three weeks. I am so torn yet so tired. I know he wants to get through this with my support but I have been staying by his side all this time only to become this weak, tired & pitiful person.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just imagine what all this has done to your children....

 

[Sighs]

@Solara - not really sure what response that comment is meant to elicit. I'm pretty sure she knows what it has done to her children. If she is finally confronting the issue - either by leaving him or seeking therapy etc then I don't think its helpful to point out the past damage and twist the knife of motherhood guilt. Unless you also have a way to turn back time and allow her to make different decisions?

(And I say that as an adult who recognises her own childhood in the original post.)

 

[Neverthesame]

I am not going to attempt to speak for solara. I am going to however say why I (like/agree) with her comment.

I very much want to make a couple things clear. I do not want to talk about @Livelifeagain as if she is not here. Nor do I want to put words in her mouth. I also do not want to come off as some judgemental asshole trying to make her feel unwelcome. I want what everyone else here wants, to get better, find help and support, as well as giving help and support when I feel I can.

I very much want for @Livelifeagain to please speak up if I have this all wrong. The concern I have when reading what she has told us about her situation, is that she is in a relationship with an abusive man. One who has said sorry a thousand times, but keeps repeating the same behaviour again and again. My fear for @Livelifeagain and her children, is that he has been in therapy for a mere three weeks. I fear that ptsd may become another excuse for his abusive behaviour.

I want very much for the guy to be serious, that therapy helps him. That he will stop his abusive behaviour, give her children the loving father they deserve and the loving husband @Livelifeagain deserves. I just want to urge caution, as it might be too early to tell if it is just another sorry.

 

[Sighs]

@Neverthesame - My impression from @Livelifeagain's post was that she was very seriously considering leaving the relationship. I understand being concerned about the effect on the children. I have personally urged people on this forum to think very carefully about how to best shield children from the impact of PTSD. I've even urged them to think carefully about whether to have children. And as I said I have personal experience of living with a parent with PTSD.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into @Solara's comment. It seemed to me to be focused on the past damage, which @Livelifeagain cannot reverse. Perhaps @Solara intended the comment to focus concern on the children with the hope that the future impact can be minimised.

That's the trouble with text only conversations - its so easy for your own issues to cause you to read more into other people's comments than was ever intended. Apologies @Solara if I have done that here.

 

[Livelifeagain]

Solara,
Yes, I do think of my children & what they have overheard, tension they have sensed. Thankfully, me & my man live in two different homes & children are w/me. I had a feeling a couple years back that moving in w/ him was not a good idea given the issues we have. It is partly because of the way he was with my child from my ex-husband that I decided not to move in. He just never knew how to relate to her.
In any case I do get that my children are(as they should) be my main focus.

 

[intothelight]

@Livelifeagain Welcome to the forum!

Personally, I believe that a relationship is as healthy as the people that are in it. It is good news that your significant other is getting therapy and while he works on his issues, it gives you some time to focus on yourself. No decisions concerning the relationship have to be made immediately. Take a break from each other and when you both feel that you are ready, work with a therapist on the relationship.

If possible, include your children in some of the family therapy. Whether or not you continue in the relationship, therapy can help with any current issues and also improve communication.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome!