Finally spoke to my mother

[Ivi]

Today all I wanted to do was see my mother and tell her I could no longer see my abusive father and that if she wants to see me it will have to be on her own as I can't take the emotional torment anymore.
What it ended up being was a conversation where I broke down to her telling her about all the pain her staying with him had caused me. In truth I wanted to understand her reason for staying with the man who sexually abused her daughter for two years.
Her reason was that she loves him and he's her soulmate. I told her that if my soulmate ever did that to my children I'd never be able to stay. My partner pressed her for more answers or something more deep but got nothing.
I told her it felt like she had chosen her husband over me and she said she had chosen neither of us. I feel cheated. I felt furious when she told me of her torment these past 9 years since I told her.
Am I unfair in being angry at her? This is something I struggle with all the time. She is my best friend. I love her so much but she failed me in my worst time of need. I needed her to step up and she didn't. My partner is aghast that she won't stand by me if I take her husband to court.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I don't have to see him anymore but I feel even worse now I know her reasons are so...weak.
Does anyone else here have any similar experiences? And can you keep a healthy relationship with one parent when they stay with your abuser??

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Today all I wanted to do was see my mother and tell her I could no longer see my abusive father and that if...

I see that you aren't from the US, so you aren't my best friend from high school. The story is almost identical. Her mom stayed with her stepdad who sexually abused her, her sister and eventually his bio kid. Her mom wouldn't leave him. The courts moved her out to live with her bio dad and step mom who resented this arrangement. Now it is 30 some odd years later and my friend and sisters still deal with this and how it pertains to their children. How this mother still tricks them into coming to family gatherings by saying he won't be there and then is, is sick. My friend is in the process of cutting all ties with her mom, she had a hospitalized panic attack last winter due to this shit and now has a good therapist to help her set boundaries and deal.

 

[Marisea]

Hi just wanted say hi. I don't have these issues but feel for you. I really can't relate to a mother who would do this. To me it is unbelievable. I would be beyond angry if I were in your shoes. Best wishes.

 

[EveHarrington]

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

I think it would be a good idea to examine why you've chosen a person as a best friend who will turn a blind eye to you when you need help the most.

 

[Ivi]

I think the worst part of yesterday was my partner asking her if she would have left him had she caught him abusing me.
She said that would have been completely different.
I'm sorry. I'm confused how it's different, unless deep down she doesn't believe me. She has been texting me asking if I'm home, got enough sleep. But I don't know how she can talk to me normally. This morning I'm unable to get out of bed and I've been in tears.
Yesterday I told her that I wanted to die as it seemed like it would just make everyone feel better. I got no emotion from her at all.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I think the worst part of yesterday was my partner asking her if she would have left him had she caught him...

I am so sorry to hear this. She is in denial, but even if she saw it, I think she would still make an excuse for him. Don't feel guilty for wanting her to be the kind of mom she should be. Everybody wants that from their mom. She is wrong here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

She may be your mother, but she isn't your friend. She is an enabler to your abuser. Plain and simple!!!!