Find yourself more isolated or social?

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Jude: Your text could have been written by me, exactly the same.

For years I tried so hard to convince my environment that I'm such a highly motivated, always positive, powerful and energetic person and that I like my social life exactly the way it is (meaning almost non-existent :P) that I eventually started to believe it myself. Though there still are a few moments where this facade fades away... Maybe I just didn't try hard enough yet :P.
I was always a loner as a kid.....a member of the outcast group. I have a lot of aquaintances and a few close friends. As an adult I have been quiet social. Well until the last 9 years. Now I am isolating more and more. Relationships......I just cant' get it right with some friends. In fact I think I am about done in. I keep trying and I keep screwing up. It's just not worth it. I over react. I get hurt easily by things they say. I really try. My husband has said that I am always there more for others than they are for me. I do have friends that I believe are there for me, but I really screw up with them. I think it is better just not to let anyone too close...that way I won't hurt them and they won't hurt me. Yeah...I'm done with trying in that part of my life. Better to isolate for me. Not saying that is true for others.
I tend to not do incredibly well because it's hard to keep UP with a social life. No matter how frequently, or well one does finally explain 'what's up', the expectations still are there, understandably so. I'm extremely good with observances, etc., and via email, and even in person, believe it or not. Or can be, when it's unavoidable. Maintaining the normal(whatever that is) flow is tough, so do 'screw up' those friendships. It did take a bit to realize I'm kind of happy putzing around here alone so don't always look at things as isolating these days. I do think it's as normal as anything else is with this stupid PTSD to have some close friends I've met here in the forum. The base-line, PTSD stuff is all on the table, as it were so it's much easier to have a friendship with people you just plain like a lot, and take that outside of the forum 'campus' then.

I don't know, and am more confused by social set-ups as I get older, rather than less. It does just does seem rare to not find that ridiculous hiearchy dynamic across the board, which you'd think would not be the case as one gathers in groups of, er-more mature ( read 50-ish) individuals. I was weary of that in college already so of course avoid the whole thing. it's not an entirely dreary outlook because the point is that I do think it's WHO one finds to be friends with, finally. I do have a few, out here, who either survived my bleeps along the way or have met since who are truly dear.
Anni, you said a couple of things that really struck me as true for myself.
It did take a bit to realize I'm kind of happy putzing around here alone so don't always look at things as isolating these days.

I don't know, and am more confused by social set-ups as I get older, rather than less.

Never thought that I would be one to just love to putz around the house, but I do! As I get older I am finding it increasingly difficult to have and keep trying to have relationships. Don't know why, you'd think being "50ish" that I would have it down. I don't...the only thing I do have down's better to have superficial relationships. As in, go have fun with people, but don't share your heart. That I can do. I am finding that if I share my heart, it gets shattered and that is just something that I can't live with. It's not intentional on other people's part, it's not even their fault. It is me, pure and simple. I am finding this to be true in all relationships. I think you have it right Anni, at some point we, or maybe I should keep it to "I", just need to accept that it is ok to not have close relationships. That it is ok for me to be happy just being home, by myself. I am the only one who is putting emphasis and expectations on socializing as something that is important and isolating as something that is wrong ;o) Time to change my thinking!
I found that after mt dx and meds and therapy I did not socialize at all.

Prior to my dx I was a smiling social butterfly who just happened to be drunk. I used absolutely the worst coping mechanisims in the world and I also realized that I made very poor decisions.

Now that I am on a more level playing field-----oh look ha ha I made a funny-----with my therapy and meds, I find I do not trust my own judgement anymore because of all the poor decisions I made while trying to run the world myself. I had no smarts when it came to the character of other people, so I was always ending up with the scum of the earth invading my world because I invited them. Things always ended up poorly for me because I never thought them through first. And yet I thought I was 'normal'!!!

And people wonder why I am agoraphobic. I just have extremely poor judgement and it has led me into dangerous and hurtful places with dangerous and hurtful people. So at least now I know I can't trust myself. My isolation is the result of pure terror of what is out there to cause me trouble, heartache and pain. But I am also aware now that my judgement is flawed so it is safer for me at home. Can't screw up when I'm at home.

So, I think(at least IMHO) most of us made that discovery and found out we do not trust our own judgement plus we got sober and found out we had no social skills with out our crutches of choice.
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