Finding Thoughts About Suicidal Ideation Comforting?

[Lady of Longbourn]

I was driving home and Nickelback's song 'Lullaby' was on. Last year, during all my depression I used to listen to that song as a sort of comfort to not commit suicide. I had suicidal idealion all the time, I would daydream about hanging myself all the time. How I would do, where I would do it and maybe what if someone found me etc. etc.

I am not depressed right now. Mostly I am okay but I do have drops in my moods. And those morbid thoughts come with them, as well as my same ideation from last year.

So I started thinking about that while listening to the song and I realized I was feeling comfort from my thoughts.

I don't understand that. Is it the morbid thoughts I am finding comforting? Is it just something I am used to so much, so then it is familiar to me? Is it maybe that I feel like I have something to fall back on to?

This is probably worded badly. I just feel confused.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Could it be that you feel like someone is vocalizing what you're feeling or maybe it's just the idea of being at peace is giving you comfort. I know the idea of a little internal silence is very appealing to me.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks for the song - have down loaded it and am using it a lot today !!!!!

Sorry can't say anything helpful but understand where you are coming from .

 

[WillyKat]

I once told my therapist the same thing, that thinking about a way out of this gave me some form of solace. The look on her face was fear.

As TwoDee said, it's the idea of peace.

I have those kind of intrusive thoughts a lot, so much so that I don't pay much attention to them and don't bring them up in therapy. I've had them since age 14 which means its been about four decades now and they seem "normal" to me. How messed up is that?

I believe it's a fantasy that there can be one little act that stops it all. It's easy. And it's in TV and movies, where one act, usually killing someone else, ends all the suffering. But in reality, it just moves the suffering somewhere else, to those we leave behind and kind-hearted strangers.

 

[Leah123]

I just wanted to let you know I can relate. At times I have found the option of suicide extremely comforting, reassuring. Suicide, I told my therapist in my worst moment, would be messy first, but peaceful afterward. For me, I think I just wanted that peace. I was overwhelmed and exhausted, and I was not seeing any possible hope of real true lasting calm at the moment. I was triggered and stressed.

I also have morbid thoughts on that and other topics occasionally. I think it has something to do with catastrophizing, growing up feeling endangered so much, and maybe having so many horror books and movies and such internalized.

Like the last poster said, I've been thinking about death since I was about 14 too. I remember being sure I'd be dead soon at that age, and writing a memorial story that I entrusted to a teacher.

I just listened to your song and it was amazing, skin-tingling and poignant.

Here's a song I listen to, I just found it a couple weeks ago or so, to help me realize suicide is the stupidest idea ever, because I have a little girl and would be a god-damned coward to leave her that way:

 

[WillyKat]

Lyrics:

Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

 

[Jane.l]

I like those lyrics - have really helped me stay here today - thank you

 

[Jenfa]

Those thoughts used to be a way for me to vent it out, but something changed over the years. I don't know if it's hormonal or what but the thoughts absolutely do not comfort me now. After postpartum, the thoughts created a physical reaction, and just feel really, really terrible. It's like when you see something on tv about people in another country killing animals that we think are cute.. just horror like omg nooooooo what are you doing?! But it is the exact opposite as it used to be when I was in highschool and in my 20's. Then, it actually felt really good to daydream about it.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Thank you for the song recommendation, it's amazing!

 

[Barberian]

I've posted similar responses in similar threads. "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". I think of suicide a lot. Often many times a day. I really don't like living in this hell in my head, and rarely, truly enjoy life on any level. I just seem to be waiting to die of natural causes.

There are few days I don't think about it. There is only one reason I'm still alive. That is - If I think earth is bad, I don't want to find out what hell is like. This stems from a religious belief that if I commit suicide it is a one way express trip to hell because I forsake the Lord (lost faith in the Lord).

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Barberian I'm really hoping something amazing comes into your life, so that the thought of not being here is hard. I know how hopeless it can get, I'm there, so I'm hoping for both of us!

 

[maddog]

This may be a controversial viewpoint, which will obviously be somewhat dependent on any individual's beliefs, but personally I think it's quite normal and understandable that thoughts of suicide and/or death will hold comfort and reassurance at certain times. Death is, afterall, some form of cessation of pain and suffering, and for those of us who have endured extreme and often chronic pain and suffering, it is logical to think that any promise of that ending will, at times, seem like an attractive option.

Perhaps counterintuitively, I have even found that the knowledge that I can, if I need to, end my own life and suffering, has had a stabilising and ultimately life preserving effect on me at times. It's what I call the "safety net" concept, which means that where I perceive I have an option or way out, I am less likely to actually need it than if I feel as though I have no such way out.

Obviously this is a fine line, and it is the intensity of the thoughts, their impact on your functioning and what you ultimately do about them that matters, and determines whether or not they are a recurrent mental symptom of suffering or an imminently dangerous threat. But I suspect there are few among us who haven't, at some point in life, contemplated the "what if" question in relation to their own demise, and up to a point, I think there is nothing wrong in acknowledging that sometimes this can feel like a comforting thought.

Maddog