First Date ... This Was A Surprise

[mephoto]

I recently decided that i felt like i was ready to start actively dating again for the first time since me and my ex split almost 3 years ago. I am a PTSD sufferer so after leaving an emotionally abusive ex I needed some time to rework through some issues from my past and being a victim of college rape.
Well, last night I met up with a guy for a first first date in a long time. It was very casual. Went to a bar we both regularly go to. Were stayed till close having a great time, he walked me to my car, we started talking again and before i knew it it was 4AM and we were still in good conversation. He did kiss me goodnight, but after that we each went home, no funny business at all. However, when i pulled out of the parking lot i started to panic and dissociate on my drive home. when i pulled up to my home i ran to the door, and once i got inside that itself seem to calm me a little, but then i started to smell his cologne on my shirt and that put me in panic again. I had to strip off my cloths and even considered getting in the shower to was the smell off of my hair. I got online here in the chat and talked till got more grounded and could fall asleep.
I should mention that while we were talking at my car he told me some about the last girl he had dated. He told me that she was a victim of college rape, and that she could never connect with him, and that she also would cut. I don't cut, and I am at a point where I do very well with my PTSD symptoms, however I do still pick my skin when i am under a lot of pressure. He said it was a lot to handle, but i related to her. We went on talking for quite some time after that too, but a couple hours later when i was alone i triggered.
Has anybody ever had an experience like this? I felt like everything went great. I am not sure which part of the night triggered me? I am kind of at a loss, and do not know what to tell him now, and have slightly gone into isolation.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow - I had something so similar happen to me. First date with nice guy after years of not dating. We went to a museum. I didn't tell him of my trauma or Ptsd - but he told me his last girlfriend struggled wih Ptsd. We talked and talked for hours. Simple respectful kiss goodnight, no apparent red flags.

I went completely dissociative a few hours later.

I have no explaination for it.

Maybe it is the emotional intimacy that is a trigger? The sense safety? Whatever it is in him that draws him to women who have struggled? I dunno...

 

[Friday]

Good stress fills the stress cup, too.

 

[mephoto]

@FridayJones good stress? like i was overwhelmed because of something good?

@Justmehere it was exactly the same situation! Is it possible that I freaked myself out by letting myself feel so safe with someone for a few hours?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ya, Friday beat me to it. Good stress overflows the cup just as much as bad stress. Its so hard to explain this to people who don't have PTSD....

ETA as an example, when we raised $3k in like 4 days, it overflowed Anthony's stress cup and he needed to retreat. Talk about awesomely good stress, right? It can still throw us for a loop!

Good stress, bad stress.....it can all overwhelm our systems. I know I will have to manage it ALL for life. I have awesomely good things happen and then come home and have big breakdowns. Its sort of like how some people cry when they are really happy. Well, this is the PTSD version of that!

 

[mephoto]

That makes sense actually. It is the first time i have ever really had it happen over something good so it came very unexpectedly. I felt really insecure when i left. He seemed to allude to it not working out with the last girl because of some of her emotional problems. I cant tell him everything up front but right now i am not ready to see him again and i dont know how to say why?

 

[Neverthesame]

Sounds like silly advice but, try not to overthink things too much. First thing I noticed about myself when I first started dating my ex, I would overthink everything. Like when I was a young teen, lol. It was a real challenge to just go with the flow. I caught myself analyzing every word, nuance and possible signal.

It was funny actually, after our first date. I didn't want to come off too keen. So I waited exactly three days before I called her again. When she answered the phone the first thing she said was "You were waiting the three days right?" I tried to play it off all cool, like I was just busy, but then said "yeah, I have staring at the phone for three days." Ha.

 

[mephoto]

you arent the first one to tell me that i am over thinking it. I am sure i am, i just dont know how to stop it. I think i am worrying about hurting someone. i dont know why. i keep thinking about what i am like when i have bad days. how do i explain that to someone new? like how do i tell them i dont want to see or talk to anyone for a couple days from time to time?

 

[Neverthesame]

For not over thinking? I started by actually writing down the first most logical thing I thought of, before I spun it into something ridiculous with my imagination. I kept going back to it reading it out loud and telling myself "That's what it is. (Real name) Stop being a fantasist." That and any hobby which requires problem solving. Give yourself something else to analyse.

As for communicating the need for space, That didn't go over so well. I do know just from this site, that there are lots of people who are a bit more accommodating about that. Luck of the draw I suppose.

 

[mephoto]

I still don't know what to say to him. I feel like things emotionally went kinda quick, and I just feel really comfortable hiding and avoiding right now. It bothers me that he told me about someone else personal problems, but at the same time I spend a lot of time wishing I knew someone I could talk to and now it freaks me out.

 

[finding_my_way]

Congrats on getting out again. I know how hard it is. I had a sexual assault and started dating this guy only six months later, and it was way too soon. Basically, I freaked when the relationship got physical - everything from a touch he initiated to an attempt at sex (I was a virgin when sexually assaulted and still am a virgin, which also complicates things). The latter was the last straw for me; I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't tell him the why, but I now know to take my time and heal my trauma first because it wasn't fair to look at him and fill with fear or see my attacker in his eyes.

But, I was able to trust him with my story - everything except the assault (I have a lot of other aspects of my life history and emotional health that preceded that assault). With that level of trust, I just could feel that it was right, but that partially came from hearing how compassionate he was when talking about his mentally ill aunt and how he was open about his life or how he felt. Basically, though, if this guy is talking about one girl the way you portray things, he will talk about you in the same way. It sounds like he might not be mature enough to accept a person with her full life story at this stage in his life. But, I wasn't there, so that is for you to decide. Congrats again, though, for taking that step and getting yourself out there. Even if you are not yet ready, you tested the waters and that is a brave step towards healing.