Relationship First Post Here And I'm Looking For Help With Combat Veteran

[Dixie D]

What I mean by going through his chain of command is this: While I know he is an adult, and no one can force him to go to therapy or take medication, they can check on him. Military spouses are told over and over again if we notice PTSD symptoms that become violent it's our job to notify his chain. If that aggression transfers to his job (as it did this week) he could potentially harm or kill someone - or himself.

He is increasingly distant. He looks at me with pure hatred, he had a horrible outburst today where he was pulling things off of shelves and stomping around yelling and screaming because he couldn't find his shoes. Then he came in asking me where the keys to the gun cases are. All his behaviors are abnormal. He never acts that way, not even when he's had the WORST of days.

 

[Dixie D]

I'm doing my best to give him space. I'm leaving him along entirely except to ask if he will be home for dinner (so I know if I should prepare enough for him). But it seems like anything from me sets him off. This morning I told him I loved him and I hope he feels he can talk to me again soon and I'll be here waiting. That set off the above missing shoes meltdown. I feel like I am navigating a mine field and it's killing me inside.

 

[ill]

Dixie - is it possible to edit the title of your thread? If so, can you please add "combat vet" to your title? I'm just thinking that what you really need right now is advice from other combat vets or their supporters.

The question about the key to the gun case worries me. Are you safe right now?

Edit: Also, I hope you know that you are not setting him off.

Given your explanation of the chain of command and given his behaviour right now, I think you need to access assistance, if you think it would be safe for you to do so. I don't know what their protocols are which is why I really hope that someone with vet experience can help.

 

[Dixie D]

How do I do that? (Edit)

 

[ill]

Being new myself, I don't know how to edit the post title, but you can post at the Help Desk and a moderator should be able to help.

[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/forums/help-desk.28/[/DLMURL]

 

[Nicolette]

How do I do that?

I've seen it so I will. Normally best to report the first post of the thread and ask for it to be edited :)

 

[Dixie D]

I spend my days in tears. I feel a sense of relief when he's at work and I know he won't be coming in the door any moment, but I still cry. I feel as though I'm grieving for someone who has died. There is nothing but a ball of anger there.

I went to my therapy session today, and she was very kind and helpful. It was difficult to hear (even though I know it to be true) that I can't control his behavior, only my own. She said likely he's not feeling any guilt when I cry and feeling like I'm attacking him when I talk to him.

The stress for me today was huge as I had to drag two sick cats to the vet as well as go to this appointment.

He came home today and asked me when he should be expected to be pulled into someone's office. I asked what he was talking about. He said "I'm not stupid I know you were on the base".

I explained that my objective right now is to get myself and our daughter some help. That I am having a hard time coping and I will take whatever steps necessary to keep us safe (including him) without climbing the rungs of the ladder and involving more people.

He just got angry and said climb the f*cking ladder to the top, see if I care.

His dad dropped by for a visit. I'm not hopeful that it will help, I just don't want it to make it worse.

 

[ill]

I'm glad you were able to talk with someone. The whole boundaries and control thing really does suck, especially at the beginning, but it does get easier and better. Will you be seeing the therapist again in the future?

Good for you for taking care of you and your daughter. And please, don't hesitate to go all the way to the top of that ladder if you fear for yours, your daughter's or your fiance's safety. That's why the chain of command exists, you explained. Take care of you.

It's possible that under/behind the anger, there is guilt along with love and shame and all kinds of things. For some people, anger is easier to manage and navigate than the softer, more vulnerable emotions. Sometimes love is far more frightening than anger and even conflict can be more comforting than a warm embrace. It sounds like your husband is desperately holding onto his anger because he can't handle the alternative right now. I'm not excusing or justifying him at all, but I just want to remind you that it's not your fault. You're not responsible for his reaction, okay? Please just keep taking care of yourself and your daughter. Only you can decide what that may mean, but just know that there are folks like myself who are sending you our very best wishes.

 

[Dixie D]

Day 9: The military has provided me with a great resource of support for myself and my daughter, however they can do very little to support him if he doesn't want the help. This is something I understand, but distressing nonetheless. He had another tantrum today, this one I caught on video (as best I could.) After his father's visit he went back to his mother and told him that my hubby was just DONE with the relationship and he seemed fine otherwise.

How is it so easy for them to switch that anger on and off?

I talked to him briefly last night and I told him that if he was convinced that our relationship was over, then so be it... but please explain one thing... what did I do to make you so angry? He couldn't answer.

I told him that MANY people decide the relationship isn't working and remain friends, and yet he treats me like he hates me. Again.. no answer.

This morning he had reactivated his facebook but without me being engaged to him. I suppose I can be grateful that it didn't say 'single'.. it just wasn't there at all.

He had a massive blowout about his medals (he couldn't find them since we've moved twice in the past few months).. he tore the place apart... I actually got it on video this time.. or what I could of without being obvious. Watching it again after gave me chills I didn't feel the first time.

So. Much. Rage.

I'm thinking maybe I should put this all in a journal section? what do you think?

 

[ds112496]

Dixie D I can relate to your situation in so many ways. My husband came home on mid tour leave on Aug 25, packed his stuff, said he was filing for divorce, and left. It was like he was someone else. I was served divorce papers the day he returned to Afghanistan. I never saw any of this coming. I was completely blindsided. We would have celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary in November.

I also went to his chain of command because he had talked about suicide while he was packing. I got no where. I am worried for him and want him to get help. I understand the rage you are talking about because my husband has it as well. He has said that he doesn't feel right in the head, that he is unhappy, and that he hates people. I fear that this is just the beginning of a downward spiral for him, but can't feel guilty. I did all that I could to get him help and no one took me seriously.

Since this has happened he has cut all communication with me. I too feel like I am grieving someone who died. I tell my self I will be fine in the end, but deep down I want him to come back to me. It is so hard not to initiate contact with him. He wouldn't respond even if I tried. My last attempt was almost 3 weeks ago.

I am doing the best I can to keep it together. I have started counseling and talk to God every day. It is hard to stay positive when I feel completely destroyed inside. The one person I really want to talk to wants nothing to do with me. He went from loving me one day to despising me the next. I found a few screenshots of a video chat we had in July. He looked so happy. He was even blowing me a kiss in one of them. It all makes no sense to me. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never know his reasons for doing this. It's hard because I relive it all in my mind daily. I just have to do the best I can to move forward. I know that I am a good person who is worthy of love. It is so hard to let go, but in the end it may be all you can do.

 

[Dixie D]

I completely understand your pain as well. The hardest part has been how insane this all seems. I'm in a loving relationship with a wonderful man one moment, and the next he is 'done' and shut down. The WHY of it is eating me up. I saw a therapist today who told me (just like the other had) that he can't answer why because he doesn't know. This woman specializes in PTSD and she is telling me that I need to go up the chain of command and do whatever I have to to give him the shock he needs to get himself some help.

Loving him makes it very hard to do something that would potentially stunt his career. Along with the despair now I'm starting to feel anger, and I want so desperately to keep that anger from being my motivation for anything I choose to do. As each day passes I lose hope that we have any chance to be together. I've been told not to think too far in the future right now (beyond a safety plan for my daughter and myself) but it's very hard to forget that we had a life planned together. A love planned together. And I don't know how I'm going to be okay without him. Emotionally, Financially, or any other way.

 

[Dixie D]

Ugh. As much as I've come to understand about PTSD it's still hard to wrap my head around this one fact. How is it that he can't seem to remember how good our relationship was, or feel any guilt when he hurts someone he says he loves?

I had a brief conversation with him today where I told him if he felt that the relationship was done, then I would accept that, but he is going to need to sit down with me and talk about a few things. There are things that NEED to be hashed out. Our living arrangements for one, division of 'stuff'... is he doing to help me get myself situated somewhere, or will we be able to coexist in this house for a while? I told him that people break up all the time and can be kind and civil to each other.

He made some comment about me wanting to take all his stuff. This was so hurtful to me because he knows that I'm not like that. I asked him for an apology and he refused. He told me that the anger has to do with he's just 'fed up' and he brings up valid points (yes, the past few months have been stressful, and yes we've been arguing a lot lately about everything) and then other stuff that happened after, things I said in the heat of the moment AFTER this all started. He's giving these as reasons for his anger. While he's talking to me, although I KNOW he's being irrational.. I keep thinking.. what if this isn't his ptsd? What if he's just pissed off? But then.. wouldn't I have seen him act this way before? I hate questioning myself.

He also has been doing something..... he's taking things I've said in the past and skewing them in such a way that makes it sound like I was malicious. An example (and I have to say that I'm had enough therapy of my own to pay attention to how I voice things when I am hurt or upset. No one can be perfect all the time, but I do try hard to not be accusatory or mean) was.... in the last year our daughter has wanted to spend time with him. She's asked him if they can go to movies, or if they can sit and watch a movie together, or go fishing or whatever. He says yes, but then it never ends up happening. The same goes for 'family' stuff. He can get pretty hung up in his hobbies and there seems to be no time for us".

What I said: When you spend so much time on your hobbies even when we are asking to spend some quality time, it makes me feel like you don't want a family, but that you just like the idea of having a family without really wanting to live up to the obligations.

What he heard: You don't really want a family. He said that I've told him that enough times (I told him that twice) that maybe it's true.

I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't understand why he's being so mean. I told him that I've treated him with love and respect throughout our relationship, I'm been supportive of his decisions even when they affect my life in a not so positive way and I just don't get why three years of doing that can't get me the tiniest bit of respect and kindness. I just don't get it.

At this point I feel like our relationship isn't salvageable as much as that hurts me to say. And while I don't really believe we'll end up being 'friends' I don't think being civil if we actually do split up is beyond our capacity. Or is it?