First Time Posting On The Sufferers Page But....

[Becksknox]

I've mostly talked about my guy with combat PTSD and my issues of being a supporter.
But today was My chance to take back all my brother stole from me when I was age 4-10.

My mother who acts like she knows nothing about the sexual abuse, though she does, inadvertently forwarded an email to me from him. After almost 9 years he had reached out to her. For my sanity over those years I convinced myself he was dead and it helped me to cope.

So I rambled off a long sometimes hateful email to him telling him what I think, what I've been thru, etc to him. I explained my daughter is now the age of when he molested me. I let him know if he looked at her funny, which he will never, I'd shoot him on the spot.

He may never even read this email, but just typing out all of my thoughts and feels healed me more when I hit send than anything in my past ever could. So much weight lifted. I literally went between happy crying and laughing. I've never felt this great. I'm still on this high today.

I feel like not only did I close that chapter, but then I torched the whole book.

 

[WillyKat]

That's a courageous thing to do. Just understand that he may not react A) at all; B) not as you would like. The typical reaction is denial, minimization, but it can get far worse from there. Still, it was a brave thing to do.

Are you getting help with this through a psychologist? If not, my advice is to start therapy. Taking action like you did takes a great deal of courage, no question, but there are things internally that we need to work on too.

 

[Becksknox]

@WillyKat I am in therapy now and my dr has changed my prescriptions which has made a world of difference to me.
I do not expect a reply from my brother or any interaction at all. The email was simply for me and only me and it felt great. It was what I have needed for my closure and not his. I truly hope that he does not reply and if he does, I have chosen to not read and block any further contact from him via email. He doesn't know any other way to reach me.

Last week while going thru boxes of photos trying to find a favorite of my children and me, I found a lot of him as my mom had given me a ton from our childhood. I have since burned all of his. I like to call this bad juju burning. My flashbacks, though uncommon anyway have stopped. My nightmares have stopped and I truly can no longer picture his face or voice, even though I haven't tried :) this all has been a major step forward for me.

 

[WillyKat]

That's awesome!

The State Police where I grew up accepts anonymous reports. So I did it. By pure dumb luck, the office that handles these reports happens to be located in the same small town in the middle of nowhere where my abuser lived at the time. Probably only blocks away.

The Captain checked all the databases he could and found nothing. Then he told me "I'll ask around with the locals [local police, not state] and see if his name rings a bell." I was elated and felt like I had actually accomplished something.

Since then, I wrote an anonymous letter to his wife, telling her what a sick f**k he is. A couple of years ago, I wrote him an anonymous letter to him, telling him that I wanted him to live forever, all the while looking over his shoulder wondering what I would do next. I told him I might just inform his neighbors, other relatives, and already told the cops.

 

[Becksknox]

@WillyKat thats a good stress reliever. The worst for me is that my mom will defend him to his death and I am the bad person. She has told me I am ruining the family. Which is a heaping load of ish!!!

Moving a thousand miles away from her was one of the best choices of my life! It's been therapeutic to be on my own standing up for myself and being away from the toxicity.

 

[Tanishq]

@Becksknox Seems your mom can't take the responsibility of your brother's wrong doing, failure as parent. She can try to twist the fact, but truth will remain truth. Sad for her.

Good for you that you are far away from her, healing and so on... You are doing well. Keep up the work please.

 

[Becksknox]

@Tanishq Thank you. When my therapists say rid myself of toxic relationships she was always first but it was hard living near her and having her grandchildren. Now it won't be an issue.

A few days have passed and I still feel vindicated and free and I feel this chapter is over.

 

[Tanishq]

@Becksknox Oh how could I forget to congratulate you. I am sorry.

Congratulations to you, you have done lot of work on resolving conflicts and issues which were bothering you. Good luck for future. I am sure you will work out everything. You seem very determined person to me. :tup:

 

[Becksknox]

@Tanishq Thank you. It's been a long road for sure. I've felt for so long that I've just lived my life in survival mode and now finally I feel like I am living free of it all. I've started to enjoy my hobbies I have long forgotten and my anxiety is barely there and it was a daily thing. I suffered tremors that are now barely noticeable to where they were embarrassing they were so bad. This is my new book and so far I'm enjoying each page! I know I'll still have my down days, but I also know I'm strong enough to handle them.