Flashback From A Memory I Don't Have??!

[Storm-ridden]

So I had something odd happen. I get partial flashbacks- a scent or sound or sight of something can sometimes cause me to jerk around for a second and sort of remember something, but a lot of times the memory never comes to me fully (not sure if I should be thankful for that or not...). But last week I had something completely bizarre happen.

I was in the bedroom with my boyfriend. We were joking around and kissing on and off, when he reaches out and gently tosses me on our bed. This is something he's done a MILLION times before. We goof around like that sometimes, I've never had a problem with it and think its funny usually. Not this time.

For a split second I felt like there was another body (distinctly not his) on top of me, and I panicked. I yelled "No!" at him and froze for a second. Then it was over.

I was really wound up after that. It took hours to calm down. I literally went and did a work out, then picked up our baffer sticks (PVC piping wrapped with foam- mock swords, basically) and just practiced over and over for an hour. He came out after he finished playing a game (he gives me space when I'm upset initially, so I can try to calm myself first, unless I go directly to him for help) and finally helped me stop (my arms felt like they wanted to fall off, but I couldn't stop- the panic, the "victim-feeling," felt like it would consume me) and we went for a long walk and talked for awhile. He finally got me to lay down and sleep- had to go to work the next day.

So... wtf??! I've had sexual abuse- I've had boyfriends molest me in the past. I don't *remember* being raped, but the more he and I talked, the more we wondered if I was, and repressed it. I'm at times completely fine with sex, even initiating it, while other times the idea of it makes me nauseated and anxious. I don't know what to think. My T is on vacation at the moment, but I left her a voicemail with a brief description of what happened. Sooo.. help? Any ideas on what to think??

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like you were triggered rather than had a flashback. You have a history of sexual abuse in your past so it's understandable that something intimate may bring up unwanted feelings or reactions.

 

[Storm-ridden]

But he didn't /do/ anything then. Nothing that should have triggered that kind of reaction, that feeling of a body on top of me. Thats what's really bothering me. He didn't touch me other than the kisses and to toss me on the bed (by my arms), and its something he's done a million times before- I just don't understand the reaction.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think the very nature of PTSD triggers all sorts of reactions, fears, anxieties - regardless as to whether or not the trigger makes sense or is of an actual memory.

And I know for me, my fear and anxiety OF my PTSD heightens the symptoms and I start to go nuts with fear of my fear! It might very well be that case for you in this instance. It really does not mean you 'were' raped or had the exact same thing happen to you in the past - it might be a very subtle trigger within that your mind screamed DANGER - a fear OF him raping you rather than a previous memory,

Hope that makes some sort of sense!

 

[keifer]

It's the one thing I hate most about PTSD. Flashbacks don't need triggers. I have no memory of the event, just flashbacks and nightmares.

 

[open eyes]

Are you diagnosed with PTSD?

The best advice I can give to you is not to try to create a memory where there might not be one. Sometimes our brains have random triggers that cause intense emotions for no good reason. It doesn't mean you were raped. Convincing yourself that you've repressed memories can lead to "remembering" false memories.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, it doesn't matter if the person is the most kind and loving and gentle person who has never even made a single inappropriate move. Anything intimate can trigger a negative response.

 

[Justmehere]

Being molested is a violation of boundaries - it is an assault on the body related to intimacy. It is a very serious trauma in and of itself. There is at least an unspoken threat of rape when molestation occurs. From a somatic experiencing theory perspective, saying "no" could be a incomplete defensive response to the threat of being raped that you experienced before with earlier boyfriends. The sexual abuse that you remember, sexual abuse of any kind, could easily lead someone to have the reaction you did to him in an intimate moment and of feeling anxious and nauseated about sex.

 

[Storm-ridden]

Ok, I guess that makes sense. Just tired of stupid triggers and wish i could just heal already- at least I'm done trying to make a mountain out of a triggery molehill.

 

[lukesa]

I would like to caution you from deciding what 'should' and 'shouldnt' trigger you, its an effective way to collect guilt for your condition.

Having some compassion for yourself is important in situations like this i think.

 

[lukesa]

I would reccomend reading seeking safety. Even though its abouy ptsd and substance abuse it touches on a lot mentioned here.

 

[NovemberStar]

Uhm, it doesn't matter if the person is the most kind and loving and gentle person who has never even made a single inappropriate move. Anything intimate can trigger a negative response.

For me, even thinking about something intimate (emotional intimacy) triggers a negative response. Our braan be super hyper alert to any possible danger - even thinking about sex, let alone physical touch.

@Storm-ridden - don't be too harsh on yourself - you weren't making a mountain out of a molehill - you had a very real, and frightening experience with your BF, triggered by past trauma. Please don't feel you were making 'too big a deal out of nothing' because that is not the case. For me, even thinking about something intimate (emotional intimacy) triggers a negative response. Our brains can be super hyper alert to any possible danger - even thinking about sex, let alone physical touch.