Flashbacks During Sex

[Lady of Longbourn]

Obviously a popular topic by the number of views. Also obviously a sensitive issue due to the LACK of responses.

I just saw these responses. Got buried in all the other alerts I guess.

Helpful, very helpful!...but I am getting a divorce now. So...

I
I had sexual triggers that would lead to dissociative episodes. I could still enjoy sex, but my husband (boyfriend at the time) had to be really careful. I used the exposure techniques to get rid of all the triggers, one by one. Obviously you're only going to be able to do that if you have a partner who you totally trust and is 100% supportive, but it is possible under the right circumstances to get better.

I think its is very sound and simple advice. And I can see this working in the future!I don't know why it never worked with my ex, but I tired. I thought it was his problem...the way he approached me. Now I think its was probably something as simple as trust.

 

[Teddy]

I have been married for 23 years, dated my husband for 5 years prior, always found it hard to orgasm. Nothing to do with him, he did it perfectly. LOL My body just didn't want to play the game. I never knew why. I just longed for sex all the time only to be dissatisfied nearly every time. His sex drive is low, mine is high. High and yet not much help if you can't get the moment of completion.
It is only in the last 3 years or so that I have started to wonder if this was perhaps due to being molested at about age 5. My mother would never discuss it with me and still won't today. She thinks I should just forget it and it will go away.
the feelings of guilt over what I thought at the time and what happened and my childish thoughts have plagued me for years. I feel dirty and disgusting and guilty because I want sex and my husband doesn't. There must be something wrong with me if I want it but then cant see it through to the end. No wonder I keep wanting it.
I know there have been some suggestions on here to go see a therapist but I can't.
This is the first time I have even been willing to admit to this let alone write it for every one to see. There is no way I am going to sit in front of some one and say this stuff out loud. I am taking a HUGE risk here so please be gentle with any thing you say back to me. I am truely terrified. I know I need help but I have finally started to feel safe on here so I am trying to trust.
(I have massive trust issues because of my PTSD and it is not caused just from this trauma)
do any of you know where I can get help online? I can't do this face to face!!!!!
Has any one got any tips on how to deal with this stuff other than 'see your therapist'?
Do any of you feel the same way or have you felt the same way and gotten it sorted. And how did you do that.
I can't even talk openly with my husband about this stuff. And he is wonderful and very supportive.
I seem to either have flashbacks, start thinking of work and anything other than what is happening at the time, or the fantasies are just getting brutal and abusive where I am the victim.
This is so embarrassing to admit and I wish you didn't know who I was. Even you knowing my log in name is too much.
But I need some help....

 

[Heather]

Hi.

Sounds like your mother and mine could go for coffee:mad:. I can relate to everything that you have written. Trust is a very, very hard thing. Especially when you have been violated. I was sexually abused by my father and it changed who I was as a person.

I've only had one really good orgasm. I've been seeing my therapist for 2 years and I have NOT brought this up. Trust takes time with ANYONE. I know the thought of talking to a therapist sends your blood pressure sky high. But in order to heal yourself that is what you need to do.

I am in no way suggesting finding someone and right of the bat start talking about sex. Absolutely not.....take it slow and build the trust. Eventually, when you feel comfortable....write down how you are feeling and then hand it to your therapist which might be easier.

That's why I do with mine. Like I said I've been seeing him for 2 years and we've just started talking about how in my early 20's there was an incident in college that set off a whole chain of very promiscuous behavior. I put my head in my hand and smiled and said, "I can't believe I'm telling you this" but I was able to tell him. Because I trust him enough to to know he's not going to judge me. There's a level of comfort there and we have a really good connection.

I don't know if this helps you at al. Hopefully you'll find the courage to seek counseling because in the long run I think that's what's gonna benefit you the most.

Take care. Heather

 

[The Albatross]

I developed vaginismus (painful penetration)... partly from a health issue (scar tissue) and partly psychological from sexual traumas. My accupressure lady specializes in sexual dysfunction and has helped me to the degree that she is able (scar and circular muscle memory of traumas) but there is a definite psychological component that has been difficult to overcome and at times when physical intercourse is actually wanted, my body is tense and unable to relax. Intercourse has not been enjoyable or pain free for over 11 years. MD's were of no assistance whatsoever, preferring to think it was "all in my head". My "honorable Chinese lady" has helped me to resolve the more physical aspects of this... I'm doing the best I can to address the psychological. My husband has developed an aversion, though he has needs, due to his desire not to cause pain. It has been a guilty and shame based thing for me. I am fortunate that other than self pleasuring and online porn... and as near as I can determine some email contact with anonymous females, he has not had an actual 3D affair.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add that the tensing of the circular muscles is a mal adaptive coping mechanism, where by I was so tense, I avoided sodomy by my first husband and a "half hearted rapist". I got no illusions though. In either situation both were trying to get me to submit (a power thing) or it would have happened.

My body and muscles, though remember both traumas and have held them for many years.

 

[Teddy]

I used to be able to get there but now it is near on impossible. It used to take me 4 hours to get there and NO I am not joking. Can you imagine how tired my poor husband must have been. Now looking back that is a bloody marathon. I have never had an orgasm during penetration. That is just simply not going to happen. There is not much feeling there at all.

thanks for the advice on going to a therapist. I saw a male therapist for about 10 years and never mentioned the molestation once. Even I didn't know I had left that bit out. I mentioned it one day during a discussion about my daughter and he nearly fell off his chair. He couldn't believe after all that we had discussed I had left that 'little detail' out.
I have raised the molestation with this therapist that I have been seeing for the last 3 years. (I made sure I did this time) However I don't know if I will ever be able to talk details with her as it is just too hard at this stage.
I have been to a 'womans abuse therapist' who deals with this sort of stuff all the time but the minute I saw her and she was younger than me, there was no way I was talking about anything and I was terrified of being in the 'shelter' while I met with her.
So you see, I can talk more here where no one knows me and anyway I reckon those who have 'travelled the path' probably have more abilities to help and support than a therapist who has had the perfect life. (sorry! has had a life free of this sort of abuse)

My husband is the furtherest thing from abusive than any one could ever manage and of course is the most understanding and gentle man. I have talked to him a bit but even with him I am not able to talk in detail. I am so ashamed and feel guilty and feel that it must have been my fault.
All I do is some how slide into this very child like state and can't get to grow up. I can on one part of my brain know that of course a small child would not understand and would be so damn confused etc but the other part is still so guilt ridden that it overpowers anything I can come up with logically.

Anyone got any ideas??

 

[AmbulanceGirl21]

I've experienced the same. The first time I had sex after I was raped, I started crying. My boyfriend (idiot) thought it was because I was so into it :rolleyes: . I get to call him an idiot now after some choice words he had for me concerning my rape..he was not at all supportive. I've since gotten better about it but there are certain things a guy CANNOT do--pinning, hand over my mouth, being forceful with anything...I freak out.

 

[Teddy]

Yep, I so get that. I didn't get raped but even to this day if my hubby says something (and I don't even know what it is) I am just a gonna. I can go for long stretches of time without and flash backs and then it comes alive and I can be stuck in this state for what is now several years.
I just wish the guilt and shame would go away so I could go and get some help. Maybe just practising here and getting the support will help me get used to that.
Gotta have hope....

 

[BloomInWinter]

UGH.

My T. asked me about this yesterday.

He said so something like 'I want to ask you a question. I don't ask this to sound judgmental or anything. It's a marker. Are you able to have orgasms?'

[Disassociated at 'judgmental' but was still able to respond.

'Yes.'

He told me that was a really good sign. I did ask him some particulars, which I might get the courage to put in my diary someday....but this is so hard for me.

Pun, intended. 

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I still have this problem... :( its getting very annoying. Whenever my T and me talk about it, its always that I have to start it, have to be in control. Try to have sex in other rooms then the bedroom. While I understand this...for my husband he seems to ignore it.

We always end up back where we started. I am not sure if I blame my husband though, showing you want sex from your spouse is normal...it must be hard for him.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Dissociation with extreme sorrow, its next to impossible to have a relationship with intimacy.

 

[Lucille]

before my sexual assault, I was waiting for marriage. then for a while, all i wanted was to have someone of my choosing, someone I actually liked, have their hands on me. i wanted to be able to be intimate with someone not trying to hurt me. but i think that i was actually hurting myself or just subjecting myself to more trauma in this way. i couldn't enjoy it, and i would get frustrated because of that.

i am actually scared to orgasm. to me, an orgasm means letting down my guard completely. and that's just not something i can do. when i am alert and guarded, i can continue to keep the box of scary things in life closed. if i close my eyes, and relax to enjoy the intimacy, i can't keep Pandora's box from opening up. so whenever i get close to orgasming, i either check out mentally or get scared and have to stop -- and sometimes cry.

i still havent had sex, and im not sure how long it will take for me to feel comfortable having sex... im scared i never will. and im scared that asking someone to wait for me to be ready will only work for so long. im not even sure that i know what being ready looks like or feels like...