Childhood Fooling myself?

[BLA]

So my earliest trauma I think happened when I was five I think. There have been many traumatic events in my life so when I am trying to figure out which trauma did the most damage I am confused. I have spent a lot of my life believing it all wasn't that bad. That I had dealt with my earliest trauma so I was good. I even had myself convinced that despite being molested by my father that he wasn't all that bad a guy. My parents did split when me and my sisters told and from 9 to 13 years of age life was good. Or was it? I can remember having nightmares of being chased and not being able to see a man with a mustache out of the corner of my eye without having some panic. Anyway when 13 hit so did depression and suicidal ideation. I was hospitalized three times. i know I did see some people but honestly can't remember what I worked on in sessions. Did they help me deal with the abuse or just treat the depression? I am not sure. I can remember having a couple of instances of panic where I just had to get out of where I was at. They put me in a special program for school and I know I was prescribed various meds. The beginning if 9th grade they gave me like a psychological inventory to see if I was ready to return to mainstream classes at school. I was so proud that I knew exactly what to tell them on it to convince them I was ready. I passed it but I know I lied on it. I wanted to be with my friends so I did what I needed to be allowed to be with them. I think I lasted into Junior year maybe functioning okay at least. I think my junior year I started ditching again. Did I ditch to go hang out with friends or go somewhere cool? Nope I went home. I did this quite a bit. When I became pregnant with my daughter later on that year they put me in a program to accelerate my graduation. I think I was also seeking male approval around this time especially from older men.
The thing is I thought that I was done with all this and now I am looking back and thinking have I been in denial all along? I mean just a couple of years ago I was telling my daughter's therapist that I couldn't relate to her panic and anxiety. That I only could relate to her depression. But I am thinking back and realizing that I HAVE dealt with those things but I just pushed them out of my mind. I am good at that though.
As fas as I know I have never been diagnosed with ptsd, only depression. Wondering if anyone dropped the ball down the line and should have realized there was much more going on. Really wish I could see my old records for treatment.

 

[LeahRuth]

I have read one published account of Munchausen By Proxy and I have another friend who has it also. Both these people tracked down their old medical records to get clues about their early lives. You should be able to do the same thing. You WERE abused, so it stands to reason you've got PTSD, even if you have never been diagnosed with it. After all, depression is a symptom of PTSD. I think we can all assume in your case the depression didn't just appear by itself. It was a natural outgrowth of your PTSD from the original abuse. It came out in adolescence, as it so often does for all of us.
The other thing you have to remember is that recovery happens in spirals. You haven't been in denial all along. You're just starting on the next turn of the spiral. You're peeling off the next layer of the onion, taking it another level deeper. Nothing wrong with that. Give yourself a medal of valor for sticking with it and looking the ugly truth in the face.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have read one published account of Munchausen By Proxy and I have another friend who has it also. Bo...

Ehhh not really. Most people who have been traumatized don't develop ptsd so I wouldn't say that because she's been abused it stands to reason that she has ptsd. She may not have ptsd. PTSD is only one result of trauma. Trauma really can cause a wide array of disorders and ptsd is only one of them. A professional will be able to tell for sure.

 

[BLA]

I would like to know but since it has been so long ago and two out of three hospitals I was at have closed. The one that is open is the county hospital but I think they might have closed their psych ward since a psychiatric hospital opened up next door. I might try though because I do want to know about my diagnoses. I don't know If that means I am being obsessive but I would like to know if anyone ever picked up on anything besides depression and suicidal ideation.
I feel like I put my recovery on pause for way too many years. This is the first time I have ever questioned that I was not recovered and only because I can't ignore it any longer. I don't feel like I deserve a medal. I remember years ago people telling me I was strong and all I could think was, "No, I am not." That should have told me something then but I plowed on. Giving up is not an option though because of my kids. They are what I live for and keep me going even when I feel like throwing in the towel.