For All Of You Who Are Married Or In A Long Term Relationship

[twopenny]

I think it also helps that he really is my best friend. Even when something happens, and I think 'better not tell him about that', I find myself telling him anyway...

 

[a3a2]

Even when something happens, and I think 'better not tell him about that', I find myself telling him anyway...

Me, too, twopenny. Fortunately, he is not the kind of guy to get mad about a smashed fender or me feeding a keyboard milk from my cereal bowl. He accepts that everyone makes mistakes, and that lets me accept his mistakes.

 

[87ofme]

I am 7 yrs. into my 3rd marriage. I have PTSD pretty bad so what did I do after 12 years of therapy? I went out and married a Vietnam Vet with PTSD! But the crazy thing is that it worked pretty well for about 5 years! He went to Vietnam to get PTSD; I got it from my childhood!

The last 2 years however he has pretty much ignored me in favor of starting a nonprofit communal housing thing for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. (He was a alcoholic but has 25 years of sobriety now) THEY always come first now, I don't exist, hos son doesn't exist, no one matters but them. At age 52 I had my 1st colonoscopy scheduled but he couldn't drive me since he had to take a girl to an AA meeting at that time. So I rescheduled it and now he can't make it for the 2nd time because he has to go visit a parole officer with one of his pigeons. I already have a lady who will drive me home from the procedure. I have become accustomed to not being able to depend on him for anything. I have learned to live my life without him; I have built boundaries comparable with the shields of the Start Ship Enterprise. He can't hurt me unless I let him close enough to do so. Oh and sex...he's nothing more than a john to me now. The amazing thing is that he doesn't even notice, I try to talk to him about it and he is so far into denial that there's no point in talking to a brick wall.

I do not think it's the fact that we both have PTSD that has caused the emotional separation between us, I think it's because he's on a dry drunk and running on guilt without thinking things thru.

 

[Barberian]

I married my lovely wife before I developed PTSD. I met her in 88, and we started living together. In Nov 90 we got married. In 91, I went off to Gulf One, and the seeds of PTSD were sown, my personality started to change. Another cruise in 93 put fertilizer on the seeds of PTSD. 98 another cruise, and some more fertilizer. Then another cruise for Gulf Two, and lots more fertilizer. All the while I was becoming more withdrawn, and temperamental/moody, but most people including any shrink would just think I was an ass.

Retired in 06, and a few months later started driving an 18 wheeler. Very stressful job, temper went from bad to horrible in 3 years. Then I started losing track of reality, and PTSD went full bloom over the course of a few months. Yes I quit my job.

The whole time my wife has been by my side, supporting me. Once I started mental health counseling, and received my diagnosis for PTSD, GAD, and MDD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder), she understood that it was more than just me being an ass because I didn't care. I did care, very much, I just wasn't in control like I used to be.

We said our oath of for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and we've stuck to it, and don't plan on giving up any time soon. I do have to admit, part of my condition, it's hard sometimes to stay, only the love of my wife has gotten us past these times in the last few years. I've said in another post about isolation - I have very low self esteem and major depression, and at times I figure we would be both better off if I just left and lived on the streets, probably die'ing there in short order.

 

[circe47]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last 4.5 years. I've known him since I was 8 years old and he 10 years old. We've loved each other in one way or another since the first moment we met.

He disappeared when he turned 18 and I didn't hear hide nor hair from him for 30 years until 2009. Ours is a miracle relationship. I love him more and more every day. I can't wait to see him return when he walks out the door, and love waking up to him everyday.

When we first got back together, I promised him that with me, he would NEVER be bored. While it has not exactly been smooth sailing with me due to my mental illnesses- he has never been bored. We just love each other for who we each are....warts and all.....together forever.

I guess a lot of what makes us so perfectly mated is that we come from similar childhood circumstances and our life trajectory has been similar. We both had sons with others......and these sons are six months apart. We've both lived in so many different places and looked for love in the wrong person. I guess these other partners were wrong for us because none of them were HIM....for me..........and none were ME.......for him.

I am in love with my best friend and soul mate and have been since I was 8 years old. I'm only sad that we missed so much time together and will never have a child together, but we also would never have our sons. Bittersweet............

 

[AngrySky]

It is nice to see that people can have healthy relationships while continuing the process. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. I am 37 and on my third marriage, which just recently, I shattered.

I have read several messages of - if it is the right person, if they are right for you, etc. That isnt always true. My husband has been completely supportive of me and my 3 children. Always pulling his weight around the house while I handled the kids and tried going back to school. Unfortunately, my stress levels with my childrenm, school and life in general got beyond my coping abilites and I had an affair - to escape (I think). Thus shattering his belief in me.

He knows of my trauma but I think I may have fooled him into believing I was a healthy individual because I was excellent at being productive, making things happen when necessary and all around "faking" being functional on the outside while constantly battling myself inside my head. I broke and now he cannot understand how I could do this to him. So into play come the dissociation I am SO VERY good at.

So all in all - I don't feel It is not the person you are with. I feel it is you and whether you are completely honest about your issues from the start and whether you are able to be emotionally vulnerable or whatever it is supposed to take to make a marriage work. I now know I am not.

So it all depends on you. (IMO)

 

[PearBlossom]

I've been married 14 years and it has been hell almost every step of the way. In May, I actually paid to have divorce papers drawn up and today I'm on here (I do more lurking than posting) because I feel the need to follow through and finish them and serve them. I also have C-PTSD and CSA (age 2) that was buried until my early 20s. The nature of my traumas makes a lot of "typical guy" behavior huge trigger points for me--although many have noted that mine is beyond "typical guy". He definitely has some severe issues of his own and those are huge, huge triggers for me. Most of our marriage was spent trying to figure out what to do for him--to make him feel better or more confident or motivated, etc. He's always been "working on it" and I believe he really thinks he has been; but it doesn't matter: at some point, you have to give up on the fixing ever happening.

We have two kids together and I have no idea how we will financially manage separating, but being with him makes me intermittently feel like I want to die. I've been in therapy since my teens and was dx'd with PTSD in my mid-20s when I had a horrible breakthrough that this dream I'd been having my whole life was a CSA flashback. I blew off the diagnosis until it started cropping up in individual and marital therapy (they noted that some of my behaviors were common to PTSD victims but they didn't know I'd ever been dx'd). So I started seeing a PTSD therapist in June and it's been extremely difficult. I even hit my husband at one point and I'd never hit another adult. I don't even like to spank my kids (and rarely do so). It's just been a nightmare and I don't know how to get through any of it without leaving him. The very core of who he is replicates the environment of my sustained abuse. And he was nothing like this when we met, although if I'm honest, he DID turn the tide just before we were married. I did my due diligence and got us to a counselor before the altar, but the counselor did some counseling and some testing and seemed to convince me that we were okay. We're so not. I honestly think I stayed so long because initially, I was just in full-blown shock. Six months into the marriage, he "checked out" (HUGE trigger for me--being "abandoned" and ignored) and I think I was just in full-on shock.

Now, I feel trapped. I feel like I have no idea how me and my kids will live on our own and have their special needs attended to (possible while with my husband because I don't work). It's just devastating. I'm fighting nausea all day today. I'm having a hard time managing at all.

I would be sure to take it slow when the time comes. Date someone for a long time. Even live with them for a while before getting married. Make sure that your major trigger points are not things that come part and parcel with the person you're involved with--and figure that out before you get attached to them. Most of all, I wish I'd had someone close to me--even a therapist--who could've looked at the whole thing objectively to help me ensure it wasn't a mistake. I had nobody. I still have nobody that close to me, really. But I would cultivate THAT relationship--that trusted "inner circle" person--before I found someone to marry so that I could be sure there was another set of eyes on it all for me.

 

[Melissa D]

I have PTSD as well as some compulsive/ ADD tendencies. I have been married for 14 years. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum, I have abandonment issues.

As a child I suffered emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of my babysitter's teen children as well as witnessed other abuses at her home. I was also present while my best friend's father sexually abused her for years. As I was entering puberty, my dad left, without notice and without further communication. At that same time 2 of my 4 grandparents became terminally ill then passed away and my mother fell into a severe depression. The short version is all at once all the adults I depended on for stability had vacated-without notice.

My response was to become emotionally attached to emotionally unavailable or emotionally ignorant men. My relationship cycles were well-drawn out, completely codependent, and extremely volatile. When I met my husband, he appeared to be different than all those others. We have 2 children and what appears to be a "stable" relationship. (I am complacent. I do whatever needs to be done to keep him here with me.) Unfortunately he was not completely open about his deep dark secrets until 12 years into our marriage. Over the past few months he has developed a guilty conscience about his marital indiscretions. I recently discovered that he had an affair several years ago, when I was pregnant with our second child, but kept it hidden from me. I also discovered several "secret friendships" he has been carrying on and that a year ago he was having a sexting relationship with my neighbor that was about to turn real. That isn't covering all the minor details that I am skipping over. Suddenly he realizes what I mean to him and wants to save our marriage. He has started counseling and is miraculously accountable for every thought or action.

By all accounts I am devastated. At the same time I have dissociated from the deceit. I have been in counseling for 10+ years to deal with my own issues and have worked very hard to prevent my past from controlling my future. Throughout our marriage he had convinced me to deny my instincts when I felt something was not on the up & up. His actions basically caused me to disconnect from my emotional self so that I would not constantly be doubting his fidelity. I have lived our entire marriage under false-pretenses. Even though he has completely discredited everything I believed to be true, I am doing what I can to make things work with him.

When I told my counselor was what going on she was outraged and basically assumed that I would leave him. When I didn't and said that I wasn't sure what I should do, it became very obvious that she was not condoning my rationalizations. now I struggle with what my next step should be. The worst part is that I get mixed responses from people I do find to be dependable. Most everyone says that I should stay and try to work it out if he is willing.

Even though I am deathly afraid of being alone and make 101 excuses to stay, I still find myself seething over him. In some ways I want him to suffer physically, sometimes I want him to feel what I am feeling, and sometimes I want to pretend that nothing ever happened. Usually when there seems to be no drama or conflict I am OK with pretending. As soon as I get stressed or overwhelmed, I am ready to kick him to the curb. As soon as I have that thought the fear takes over and all the thoughts that keep me in the relationship start boiling over. "what if he meets someone else that isn't good to your kids"/ "he will find someone better than you"/ "You will never meet anyone else that makes you happy."/ "you won't have control over what he does if you aren't together"/ "what if he is happier with someone else" and on and on.....

I would love to hear what others have to say about this situation.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@Melissa D. - Have you made a list of the pros and cons - and I know your really angry but how do you feel about him?

"what if he meets someone else that isn't good to your kids"/ "he will find someone better than you"/ "You will never meet anyone else that makes you happy."/ "you won't have control over what he does if you aren't together"/ "what if he is happier with someone else" and on and on.....

Are you sure that's not the PTSD talking?

 

[AngrySky]

@TD2TD - That was my thought about the self hatred thoughts.

@Melissa - It does sound like you have a lot of hatred for what he has done. As being the person who has recently gone outside of my marriage I completely understand that. But like TD asked - how do you feel about him, not the actions. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Melissa D]

@TD2TD - That was my thought about the self hatred thoughts.

@Melissa - It does sound like you have a lot of hatred for what he has done. As being the person who has recently gone outside of my marriage I completely understand that. But like TD asked - how do you feel about him, not the actions. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I loath what he has done. He was the only man I had met, in my life, that had not gone down that road. When he confessed everything, I was so completely dumb-struck that I could barely breath. It took a long time to process what I heard and even longer to believe it. This is the problem with being naive. Now I keep repeating the grief stages. (the whole PTSD thing) I love him deeply but am afraid that the person I have always been in love with was not real. My inability to interpret others really stunts my ability to decipher truth from fiction.

 

[AngrySky]

Melissa - IMy husband feels the same. He was completely dumbstruck. He comes from a very stable and loving homelife. He is very stable. It is not a point of being naïve or PTSD reactive. The way you feel (it seems to me from him) is very healthy when you have complete trust in what the person you love portrays to you that they would never be capable of something like infidelity. I don't feel that this particular feeling has anything to do with PTSD. It has to do with being betrayed by the one person you KNEW you could count on. He faltered. Severely. I ASSUME THIS SHATTERS YOUR ENTIRE BELIEFE SYSTEM. If I were normal.
My husband says the same thing about the person he was in love with. That the wife he knows and loves would never do this.

I am so sorry that your husband hurt you. It seems to me, and only in my mind, that unfortunately, you will have to be the judge and jury on your marriage. I am so sorry for you to be in that position. I cannot imagine how that feels but as with anything, even "healthy" relationships, only you can decide what you can tolerate and what whether you want to continue take a chance on this person.