Forgiveness And Grudges - Opinions, Please?

[Deleted member 33052]

By saying this, there is a slight hint hidden which says, well “you have no choice, no self efficacy...

Very good point.

 

[Rani G2]

Today though I find my own emotions hard to cope with....

 

[Suzetig]

I think that's the nature of it though, there are times I feel settled in myself and can accept my past experience of others. Then something happens that rakes it all back up again and I feel raw and sore and angry all over again. Forgiveness for me feels like a task, something to be done or offered to the other for my benefit while not giving me space for what I feel or allowing that those feelings change and are moveable.

Acceptance of myself and my feelings moment to moment allows for the swings and changes of emotion without me then getting into a narrative that says I can feel X when I've forgiven the person involved. I can accept they did what they did for whatever reason, accept all the feelings I have and accept that their treatment of me may mean they aren't in my life any more, all without putting a burden on myself to "forgive".

 

[Rainsong]

Forgiveness is something that I don't understand. All my life I've been told that I'm unforgiving,...

I have also been told I'm unforgiving, bitter and resentful for not "forgiving".

Forgiveness is mainly something people see as something you give when asked, and then the issue is done. You shouldn't have negative feelings anymore, or bring it up, someone just simply say sorry, and you forgive and forget.

In my opinion this doesn't apply to major things, altering a whole persons life and being. In my case the abuse I went through in my childhood has left me unable to work, and has given me a lifetime of mental illness, that could have been avoided. It has altered what my life could have been, and it ruined what should have been a safe childhood.

I have spent years trying to forgive, because I was told this is what you do. I have spent years being understanding of the circumstances that led to the abuse and violence I experienced. The reasons why it happened, the excuses I made because they also had a hard time growing up, they also suffered violence in their childhood. I have spent years blaming myself for not being able to forgive.

Forgiveness, in my opinion, can not be given to someone who doesn't try their best to make things change. To understand where you come from, to say "I see why you hurt, I see it is my failing, and I'm willing to do everything I possibly can to repair it".

What I have been met with is the opposite. I have been met with a notion that as long as someone says "sorry" and regrets what they did, nothing else is required. In my opinion this is not true.

I have not forgiven the abuse and violence, simply because no one has taken proper responsibility for it.

I have also found that I'm not an unforgiving person, as long as people take responsibility for their actions, and go through the healing with me. I have forgiven my lifepartner for things that hurt me deeply.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I have also been told I'm unforgiving, bitter and resentful for not "forgiving".

Forgiveness is main...

Rainsong, welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry for your suffering.

I, too, have blamed myself for being unable forgive. I was ashamed of this shortcoming in myself. The tables would be turned, with abuser becoming the injured party and I, the offender. No more. I will let my feelings guide me.

 

[Rainsong]

Rainsong, welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry for your suffering.

I, too, have blamed myself for...

Thank you, I'm sorry for your suffering too.

I feel the same way, tables turned. I'm glad to hear you have been able to overcome the self blaming, and that you see that it's not a fault in you, but the offender. Go us!

 

[Beemo3780]

I don't really hold grudges, but I definitely have gotten a lot more selective on who I allow into my life over the years. I also don't have a lot of patience for people who have a lot of drama that seems to follow them around. I used to be forgiving of everything, always tried to see the best in everyone, and got abused and walked all over. Now I've learned to forgive, but I am protective of myself, and I will just move on from people if they cause me too much trouble. I also don't let the little stuff get to me, and try to keep focused on the bigger picture.

 

[claroscuro]

Oh, if I had a penny for every time I've been told I hold grudges, for forming my opinion of someone based on how they conduct themselves. Like it's a bad thing to protect yourself from assholes and not wanting that in your life. It's taken time, but I now work on cause and effect; if you can be civilized, you can stay, if not, close the door behind you.

I think the term "grudge" is sometimes misused. Is there ill will? Is there animosity? Are you out to "get" the offender and make their lives miserable? Or did you just set a boundary or become watchful for repeat offenses?

I don't think forgiveness holds any actual value for the victim, unless it results from a sincere apology. I have a knee jerk reaction to people who preach forgiveness is a duty for the injured party and will set them free. I've truly forgiven my abusers for many things, and that shit still hurts almost as much as the things I consider to be truly unforgivable. Why is the responsibility usually stapled to the injured party's forehead?!

I think acceptance serves the wronged party better; it's hard to move forward when you are in denial of events, or the effect it's had, and is still having, on you.

 

[jaccat]

I don't think in terms of forgiveness or grudges. But if someone hurts me I can choose to not let it have an impact on my life. I don't 'forgive', but I won't think about it, or if necessary, them, and that's a conscious choice. Then again, I don't do trust, so it's impossible for people to damage that, and I don't give people the benefit of the doubt to begin with.

I'm not sure I've made that at all clear. Complicated topic.

 

[mamachick]

In my family where there are injuries, they deny completely, which I understand is not unusual. Then when they are old, memories could be bad and ppl will hang on to specific irrelevant and so forth. Its been tried unsuccessfully and now I just keep safe boundaries.

 

[watundah]

If there is a sincere apology it makes a huge difference. People didn't apologize in my family and it took me a while to learn it was a sign of strength to apologize and to accept it.

Then there are jerks who don't care about your feelings. I agree it is protective not to give them a second chance. My brother and I parted ways 30 years ago. Grudge? Possibly. Protection? Absolutely. If he called me tomorrow and said he would like to work things out, I would consider it.

I always wondered how the Buddhists " let it go.."

 

[shell]

I struggle to forgive, and to trust the person again, it is self protective and a fear of being hurt yet again. A sincerely given sorry makes all the difference, how is it possible to forgive someone who believes its okay to hurt another even if it is just through thoughtlessness.

In the past I have let go of many friendships because of it, these days I am able to work on forgiving those who hurt me, and see that sometimes their own insecurities cause the hurt, and I am more forgiving. It's almost like I recognize the part of them in me who isn't perfect,

I haven't forgiven my abusers, I try to at times knowing that hanging onto the hurt only hurts me, and when guilt gets the better of me, that they are old and I will never have the opportunity while they are alive. I have a fear that I will be left feeling guilty for the rest of my life, I have tried to justify their actions but somethings are either unforgivable or I am not ready to let go yet. For me I haven't found a way it's just too huge a hurt, and to forgive I have to be willing to experience the hurt and release all of it.