Forgiveness And Grudges - Opinions, Please?

[mamachick]

I do think if one is blessed enough to really be able to forgive, they do not necessarily need to trust that person again. Even if we can see the human error and weakness they possess to cause such pain and we could let it go, does not mean that they would not do the same given the opportunity. It seems rare for another to really apologize and own their stuff without blaming, lying, manipulating, justifying, etc. I know that it does happen. We also have different perceptions from where we are viewing things. Yet there are some things that are flat out lies and I have heard too many I suppose.

A good book regarding forgiveness of spouse, but could apply to others and is easy read is "Emotional Divorce". It is general though and not applies to trauma, but forgiveness and acceptance and personal growth.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

If there is a sincere apology it makes a huge difference. People didn't apologize in my family and it...

I think it's because Buddhists take a big picture view...

 

[mamachick]

Also, Buddhist teach or have philosophy of non attachment, and being less ego centered-which I guess is really the big picture as Mal Content said.

 

[alrite]

I don't really get forgiveness, but that's probably because I don't tend to get angry at people...I get angry at myself, sure. But them?

If I'm understanding you correctly, you don't have have a problem with forgiving because you don't get angry at people who hurt you you get angry at yourself. Is that correct?

 

[Sideways]

@alrite - exactly:)

 

[Keming]

Forgiveness is a waste of energy.

Anger/hatred/negative thought = dedicating some of my attention, time and energy to something that doesn't positively impact my life. Hell with that.

Forgiving also means dedicating some of my attention, time and energy to something/someone that doesn't positively impact my life. Hell with that, too.

Maintaining an internal dialogue or script of how much one doesn't like X, or why, just seems like a process one can do without. Doesn't help a person work more efficiently or have more fun, so why bother?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Forgiveness is a waste of energy.

Anger/hatred/negative thought = dedicating some of my att...

I don't know how this works for you. I doubt any of us want to waste our energy holding grudges. I can only speak for myself, though, when I say that I can't *not* hurt. I don't make an effort to hurt, in fact, I make an effort not to, but that's the work of a lifetime.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Ragdoll Circus, that's so sad. I truly hope that someday (soon) you will know that you don't deserve to be hurt. :(

 

[Sideways]

@Mal Content - I've always proceeded on the basis that getting angry at my abuser would be part of my recovery, then at some point I'd have to get to Acceptance (if not Forgiveness). I'm increasingly suspicious that this might not be so.

Anger really fascinates at me at the moment. Where it comes from; the energy it summons up, how easily some people can get angry on their own behalf, the power of it. Phwoar!

I'd like to think that at least my attachment to my abuser might eventually wane. But every time I start to get a glimpse of that, it feels more like saying goodbye rather than bringing out any anger. Weird.

I think my attitude to forgiveness would potentially change a lot if I was able to get angry on my own behalf. As it stands, forgiveness seems to often be cathartic, and a far more internally significant thing than a relationship-changer. So I think I'd disagree with @Pteredacted that it's not a positive experience. It seems pretty liberating from where I stand...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Ragdoll Circus I find that I am at that stage of recovery that you just mentioned. Righteous anger, then acceptance. I reached a point where I no longer feel a need to forgive certain traumas. I realized that acceptance made forgiveness moot. Of course, sometimes I'm still angry, but I'm not consumed by it the way I used to be.

I think that when you start to get comfortable with self-compassion, the anger will come. Like a tsunami. :)

 

[mamachick]

I agree Mal content-I avoid spending energy but know having anger drains energy. In my own life, I have found it much easier to work through anger toward a person than a system. I have some anger that is possibly displaced. After being assaulted in my home, my insurance allowed about 4 visits to therapist then denied more treatment. Six months after incident I was diagnosed with ptsd, following suicide attempt. Treatment denied further. Hospital treatment plans were denied by insurance. I feel like I fell thru the cracks. Since I had the sequalea of traumatic brain injury when the assault occurred, I have never been convinced I have ptsd. So not having the ability for self pay and insurance denial...then I am just blaming others for my shortcomings...and its my fault and I blame myself ultimately...anger at self...which creates nothing but self criticism, guilt, isolation, and deterioration.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@brat17, oh, brat, that's awful! Like the trauma wasn't enough to deal with!

Do you know why your claim was denied by the insurance company? That makes no sense to me.