Forgot How Ugly I Was For A While

[Leah123]

She's critical to me though, darn it. Maybe I'll feel better later. I just had one of those moments, ugly moments, where a relationship just seems... wrong. I hope hope hope it's just me, that I can find some perspective. I had my heart on my sleeve when I shared the video.

 

[Emma13]

If they can't stomach a video like that, how can they handle my life. :(

You should ask them that.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks Emma. Well... I'm so upset, I told them if that was too disturbing for them, I was too basically, wrote that in an email, will see what if anything the reply is.

 

[Flyaway]

I love it too! Sometimes I have a dream which I think is in response to my constant fear of the monster that did most of the damage to me... I'm at a park connecting with people who's faces I can't see. K (monster) turns up and starts walking towards me, he has a smug/knowing look on his face. I know he is going to feed these people whatever lies he needs to in order for them to turn their backs on me, and I'll be vulnerable again - so he can hurt me any way he wants. BUT instead of feeling completely vulnerable, detaching and my PTSD kicking in... I feel this strength in me, something inside me calls out to the 'earth' or nature around me. A heap of birds come to my defence - they circle him, swooping on him repeatedly, he is in a panic. The wind starts blowing viciously at him as well, and the earth starts rumbling and I know if he keeps trying to come towards me the earth will open up and swallow him. All the while this is happening, I remain calm and in control.

I haven't had this dream in a while... But when I do it is so satisfying. I'd laugh if next time I have this dream, Radioactive is playing for me... ;)

 

[Leah123]

Aww, thank you, I can totally relate. I remember bad dreams though. I used to try and fight but I wasn't strong enough to even lift my fist in the dreams, or if I was, my punches were like the softest and most ineffective of taps. I haven't had those dreams in a long time though, thankfully. I will hope I have dreams like yours sometimes, they sound amazing, so empowering, good for you!!!! Thank you for sharing. :) I can just imagine a dream like that to Radioactive, that would be awesome!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Leah, I have a tendency to imagine that everything bad is about me, and to take everything as meaning that something is bad about me.

But, on an intellectual level at least, I'm beginning to question it. In this way, I have to ask, what if you have the understanding and compassion to view that video without a negative reaction? And, what if your friend is disturbed by it, because they are frightened, or reminded of something that has hurt them?

 

[Hashi]

but someone very important to me could only say it was disturbing, which keeps sounding like disgusting, and makes me feel disturbing too. If they can't stomach a video like that, how can they handle my life. :(

I think you need to separate out what someone thinks of the video and what someone thinks of you. As I understand it, it's only you who made those connections, not your friend? You're worried about the relationship, but what you're worried about is something that you're projecting onto her, not something she said to you - is that right?

I didn't like the video at all. That doesn't change how I feel about you, Leah. It doesn't mean I no longer want to support you or that I think there's something wrong with you for relating to it. It only means I didn't like the video.

I want to be really clear - I'm not triggered or traumatised by it, I didn't like it but I'm fine. You gave every warning about it, so please don't think it matters in that way that I watched it and didn't like it. I want to be really clear about that because I'm going to say that my personal reaction to it was that it was disturbing. So I wouldn't assume that anyone who can understand or sympathise with the dark side of things is going to like that video. Someone can not like it and still understand and sympathise.

You seem to be jumping to conclusions that aren't there. Your friend thinks the video is disturbing = your friend is disturbed by you. Your friend can't handle the video = your friend can't handle your life. But there's no direct connection between those things, and from what you say it sounds like there's no evidence for that.

The video isn't your identity. It's a metaphor that you relate to. If your friend doesn't like the metaphor, I don't think you need to worry over that. Just find a different metaphor that she can relate to. How she feels about the video isn't how she feels about you.

 

[Hashi]

Well... I'm so upset, I told them if that was too disturbing for them, I was too basically, wrote that in an email,

Oh dear, I just read this after I wrote the post above. Leah, because you've said how important this person is to you, I'd tentatively suggest that you could ask her how she feels, and find out from her. I think you could still do that by sending another email, if you wanted to.

However, if you're so certain about this and feel so upset by it, then please ignore what I've said.

 

[The Albatross]

I had heard the song and liked it... but the music video unnerved me a bit. I actually perceive people like that (cruel, hedonistic, and overtly or covertly violent). It takes work to override it for me. Glad it was puppets and not live beings they choose to act out the story with.

There are several things in the video that make me uncomfortable, but that is the extent of my bad reaction. I was though overwhelmingly sad when the teddy bear was provoked to fighting back... though of course there was no option, was there?

I don't particularly like being reminded about how people can be. My own home and first marriage felt like the ring in the music video. My abusers were like the Lou Diamond Phillips character. It was a game for their own amusement and sick entertainment.

I am lucky I survived, but sad at the lengths I needed to go to to escape. I did get provoked to the point where I fought back. Then beat myself up for years wondering if I had crossed the line so far as my own character was concerned. It fueled my boozing til I dealt with it in recovering. I was petrified and self loathing because I felt I had turned into what they were.

I didn't. It took me a long time to remember that though.

The video for me, is poignant because it represents my instinctual fears and response to the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I went through. It makes me feel sad, but it was what it was, eh?

 

[Leah123]

The video for me, is poignant because it represents my instinctual fears and response to the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I went through. It makes me feel sad, but it was what it was, eh?

Thank you all for replying. Yes, Albatross, that's exactly why it resonated for me. It's not that I enjoyed the idea of the fighting, that was despicable, but I loved the fighting *back*. And the grittiness of that video, the darkness... I feel very much at home with it, which is to say, it reminds me, emotionally, very much of the place I grew up, all the uneven fighting, the greasiness of the men, the corruption. I recognize it. I just understand it, that's all, and felt the person I shared with didn't- they couldn't possibly understand or relate.

I actually perceive people like that (cruel, hedonistic, and overtly or covertly violent).

Yes, me too.

The video isn't your identity. It's a metaphor that you relate to. If your friend doesn't like the metaphor, I don't think you need to worry over that.

I guess I feel like some of my identity *is* tied up in that video. The way I see the world, how the little bits of beauty, like the purple flower in the forest, make it redeeming, how I come from a dark place like that and know it, in my heart, darkness and corruption. I relate too much to it perhaps. Sigh. Maybe time will clear my head until I agree with you Hashi, but... I really wanted her to have the visceral reaction I did, to find the art in the darkness and the power, not just the ugliness.

I have a tendency to imagine that everything bad is about me, and to take everything as meaning that something is bad about me.

Yes, that took me a little while, the realization that I felt personally rejected, sigh, but I still feel it.

what if you have the understanding and compassion to view that video without a negative reaction?

That's such a nice thought. I guess I realized my tolerance level for disturbing things was a lot higher than hers, and... I should be glad for her. It's good to live in the light, but makes me feel lonely in the dark.

 

[Abstract]

Leah,

Hugs if OK. I hear how painful this is for you. I truly do not think this equates to how your friend would feel about you or how you need to feel about yourself.

I understand this is a very deep thing for you. I think it sounds like you were confronted by the reality that what you experienced and have to deal with isn't the same as others do. Those moments of separation are very painful in my experience. But it doesn't make you any less wonderful or have any less right to a place in the world or in relationships.

I am sure your friend is very aware of all your wonderful qualities and I am sure many have been honed and developed by what you have been through. She doesn't need to find that video comfortable to appreciate you. Just like you don't need to tell her all the detail of what you have been through in order to see if she cares for you.

Those things are upsetting. They wouldn't be traumatic if they weren't. Its OK for people to see them as upsetting and it doesn't in any way mean that you as a human being have any less value or are any less wonderful. There is a lot of strength that comes from having faced deep adversity.

You have fought through a lot and are still fighting and you should be very proud of that and the inner strength that is involved. It is the opposite of monstrous.

PS. I just had a thought Leah and it is that I think your response is also to a tiny extent a reflection of your positivity. I have noticed this about you. You are very good at seeing positive in things. That you don't get caught up the difficult parts of it and can focus and be uplifted by the positive says something about you. An added dimension to what has been discussed already. The recognition and the pain and suffering and dynamics involved in the video; I realise that is the most important part for you, maybe a description of your experiences.

 

[The Albatross]

I've watched that vid about 8 times now. I have some body reactions. I narrowed it down a bit about what is bugging me. The breath hold, the sadistic pleasure of the ring master, the public violence and the obvious mismatch of the opponents, the bystanders hedonism and that they do nothing to assist the victims.

I am trying to view it to get to where I can focus more on the woman's direct approach to the problem, that her proxy was victorious... but eh, not so much. It is a hard sell. It gives me goose bumps in places, and makes me have stress tears in others.

Even the couple of second bit where a teddy bear committed suicide with a noose around it's neck and the band member "prisoner" is shaking it gets me. As I used to experiment with that as a 11-14 year old child (tying nooses, putting them around my neck and contemplating suicide or attempting to asphyxiate myself in my closet to try to die. Cutting came next when I realized how resilient the body actually is. Then was booze.

The music and the video really rings for me on some very core levels. Uncomfortable, but mostly sad. I remember so much of the hopelessness of that time for myself.