Sufferer Found This Site Awhile Ago But Was Afraid To Post

[idiosyncratic]

As it says in the title area... I found this site awhile ago but I was too afraid to post. I decided to do so now because my heart feels as if its going to burst if I don't let what I have inside out. Everything is just so heavy. Its nice to find a place where people, while unfortunate, understand the struggle that comes with having ptsd. Ugh.. here it goes...

I was sexually assaulted twice years ago and then 5 years after the assault, one of the assailants murdered a female that was physically my profile (he had a "type"). I struggled with that but also tried to move on. I got a job and while on the job, I was physically assaulted. The physical assault occurred around the same time of the murder investigation which I was a part of and with all the stress of trying to work out my work situation and dealing with the police investigation, I completely shut down.

I had tried, even before any of the assaults, to go for therapy to work out issues from my childhood. My parents were divorced when I was really young and I was pretty much left to raise myself. I was also in an accident that left me with a physical impairment that made and still makes me very self-conscious.

As I said, I tried to go for therapy for other issues and then the assaults happened, which then just began years and years of trying and failing to look for a therapist that could help me. At this moment I'm working with my 13th and 14th therapist (one is a psychologist and one is a psychiatrist). I don't know where I got the strength to even keep trying but I did.

Now, I've been off work for 2 years and in therapy for those 2 years. I'm looking to return to work ASAP but I'm so afraid because I don't know how to explain this gap in my work history. Even when I was looking to volunteer and was asked what I'm currently doing, I tried hard to not burst into tears (and with that, I could hardly make a coherent sentence). I'm so frustrated and so afraid that I will be stuck in this situation forever. And for anyone reading... my apologies that my thoughts are everywhere (and no where at the same time)

 

[radicalgratitude]

Thank you for your courage in sharing all that. I hope that by getting it out you feel even a tiny bit better. I was recently at a treatment program called Intensive Trauma Therapy, Inc. (traumatherapy.us) that I found extremely helpful and strongly recommend.

As far as explaining a gap in your work history, you can be very general, i.e. you took time for personal enrichment. If you happened do to research for your field you can say "personal enrichment and study." Whatever you say, turn it into what would make you a positive asset to their company. Have your answer ahead of time and find a friend to interview you asking that question. Keep rehearsing. Try not to leave a gap on your resume even if you didn't earn a paycheck. I hope this helps.

 

[idiosyncratic]

Thanks for your suggestions. I am in a trauma therapy program at the moment that is CBT based and my psychiatrist is psychoanalytical based so I am getting quite a bit of support (although even with this I still think I need more help!).

I have been volunteering during these 2 years I have been off work but I'm just afraid that its not enough. I'm also nervous that even with practise I would still blank and then end up being a blabbering idiot and end up talking about my "mental health issue". Having general anxiety on top of ptsd (on top of more ptsd) is not fun!

I needed a vent session inbetween my actually sessions. My friends (which I don't have many of) don't "get" it so I thought I'd try this out.

Thanks for listening :)

 

[Seasounds]

So kind of you to share story of courage and resilience-moving forward with caution and greater wisdom. When my abusive memories and flashbacks were at their peak, and while my self esteem was at the lowest, I took 10 years off-to heal and do therapy. The previous post gave a good suggestion; say you took time to explore other interests. Know you can be proud of your inner work, that will make you an asset at your new job.

Some ways to not cry, that have worked for me, when referencing a painful time, when I wanted to appear professional: to activate my logical brain, while referencing my right brain/emotions, I practiced to instantly start counting by 2's as fast as I could, or thought of a silly joke-that always maked me laugh.

Your mentioning that you keep finding ways to move forward, despite setbacks, Led me into a spiritual moment. It is, as if you know hope, in the depth of your soul.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Idiosyncratic,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

This is a great place to reach out to others that really do "get it". I also hope that you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[idiosyncratic]

Thanks for all the welcomes :)

Your mentioning that you keep finding ways to move forward, despite setbacks, Led me into a spiritual moment. It is, as if you know hope, in the depth of your soul.

Hi change, I love how you quoted that, it sounds so poetic :) I'm not religious but I do consider myself spiritual. I've been told many times that I'm a fighter, but I don't know where my fighter spirit comes from, but I think you might be onto something ;)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hello idiosyncratic :) Welcome.

 

[tired of the fight]

Hello and welcome all:)

 

[Foudre]

Hi
First of all well done for posting. I can tell it was a big step for you and I hear your anxiety around it.

You also commented on my post which was so kind so I looked for your story to see if I could return the support.

I'm sorry for you, as a young woman to have gone through what you did and still be living with the trauma.

I like yourself spent some time off work and worried myself stupid that I was unemployable and how would I explain why I'd been off for so long. I was convinced also that my previous employers would divulge information about my sickness and hospital admittance after I'd made a suicide attempt. I felt completely overwhelmed and convinced I'd never work again in my industry. I found that you not legally required to divulge any information, however it's really important you are as open as possible as it really works I'm your favour and means the company (if any other stresses are to arise) are not able to say you've hidden anything.
I researched my rights for references and also to what information I legally had to provide in job applications and discrimination regarding mental health illness. I literally printed off all these websites and took them with me to meet a new employer and agency when I went back to work (only three days ago). This helped me feel empowered about my rights and not feel ashamed. You have no reason to lost what's happened to you or share all your trauma with an employer but when these questions come up you could perhaps use a script that's says something like "I needed to take some time off as I was suffering with PTSD, I've have time to recover and am feeling ready to renter the workplace". - just a suggestion.

Employers and companies have to be very very careful not to discriminate against an employee or prospective employee with mental health difficulties. They of course need to take into fact serious psychotic conditions but that's not you.

I have an employment consultant from the recovery team I'm under to work with me the last couple of weeks to help me with how to handle going back to work. I'm not sure what your situation is but there are people your doctor or mental health recovery team can refer you to who specialise in getting people with mental health difficulties back to work.
I'm not sure if that's been helpful.
Best wishes
:)