Friend with cancer, refusing treatment: is this bpd?

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I'm sorry that you are hurting, but in the end this is her choice. As sucky as that is for you and the ones left behind.

My sister died from cancer 2 yrs ago. I had only seen her 1 time in 20 yrs. when she was diagnosed she refused to have me and my other sister or brothers come to see her. She ordered us to not speak of her cancer, her health, how she felt or anything that had to do with her cancer. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.... But it was her choice and I had to respect it.....

 

[Justmehere]

I guess the part I wonder is BPD is the mix of messages. The "I'm dying but let's be excited." And the "I'm reaching out but refuse help to live."

And the almost delusional fears - like that if she asked an oncologist one time for their recommendation, literally had one office visit, she really believes they will get a court order to force her to have surgery and chemo just to get money from her. I don't think docs are all that great, but this is not reality. But this is why she refuses to see them. She also believes she has 10 years before she is at risk of dying from cancer. That's not reality either. There are some signs of denial.

She is not narcissistic at all. If anything, puts herself down too much. And she has invited me to give input... so it's not a closed door to input. But at the same time she is expressing this plan of almost total isolation.

It's really confusing for me. It feels so push/pull... but I totally own that could be all me and my ambivalence about wanting to respect her choice, and not wanting her to die.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It can't be total isolation, she must have someone coming in to help with things?!?!?!? ?

 

[Justmehere]

Nope. No one.

 

[Deleted member 541]

How does she get food in?

 

[Friday]

I'm sick with a stupid fever and posting this here because I need someone to probably tell me to stop.

1. What do you think you need to be told to stop?

((Unless I'm missing something, and I durn well may be, it reads to me like you're doing everything right/normal/what healthy people do when they're losing someone they care about due to long illness. AKA Cycling through the 5 stages of grief, working out boundaries, end of days planning, etc.))

2. I would very much suggest you get in touch with some local cancer support groups, if you haven't already.

3. Strong 2nd on the Hospice info :)

4. Strong 2nd on the living eulogy. Personally? I regret the things I don't say far more than the ones I do.

 

[Justmehere]

Her diet consists of very limited items she special orders online. All delivered. She is exhausted in part because she does everything herself.

At the same time, it's not terminal cancer. She's more functional than the average image of a terminal cancer patient. Or it wasn't terminal.... A doc friend of mine explained this type and stage of cancer is super duper treatable and refusing treatment is almost like a diabetic refusing insulin. I'm not sure I agree with the doc's analogy, and they hasn't examined my friend. So, it all has to be taken lightly.

 

[Justmehere]

1. What do you think you need to be told to stop?

To not send her the letter about what I'd say at her funeral but would rather say while she is still alive. How much I'll miss her and have cherished her friendship - through all the good and difficult times.

I really like your recommendation about connecting to a support of some kind for myself. I am surprised by my own grief. It reminds me of what C.S. Lewis said about grief feeling so much like fear. (A quote from A Grief Observed)

There are some local cancer support groups and several hospice centers that have groups - I'm going to make a few calls tomorrow.

 

[scout86]

I can see the potential for some weird "please talk me out of this" thing going on. Or something else. Like she needs to hear that someone cares? I get why you might be thinking BPD. I don't know that it really matters. If she NEEDS to play games for some reason, and she's someone you value (and it sounds like you do) I can't see any reason to not play along. Keep the notion that you're not quite sure what's going on in the back of your mind, for your own good. But, I can see a scenario where she'd might handle this in a sort of attention seeking way, for some reason we don't know. There's no reason not to give her the attention, is there?

 

[Justmehere]

That's a reassuring way of looking at it @scout86.

There's no reason not to give her the attention, is there?

Nope. :)

 

[Deadman]

That reminds me of a conversation I had with a Doc I worked with a long time ago. I told him I was worried about making a mistake on an ambulance call where the patient was in serious condition.

Him: "What happens if you don't go?"
Me: "He'll die."
Him: "What happens if you make a serious mistake?
Me: "He'll die."
Him: "OK so even if you make the wrong decision you can't make things worse but you could make things better."

Maybe you can view your friend in the same light. What you say or do can't make things worse. But it might just help.

 

[Sideways]

You're in the best position to know what's going on here. But if this is a person who is NOT coping with her diagnosis well at all, being confronted with "This is what I'd say at your funeral..." may be a little bit more confrontational than she can deal with.

When we want to know "What can I do?", we always start with ourselves, yeah? So how are you coping? What are the emotions going on for you? Someone you seems to be pretty close to has cancer - that's a big deal. Someone you're pretty close to seems to be having a LOT of trouble coping and looking after themselves in a rational and reasonable way, and is threatening to isolate you and everyone else - that's a big deal. Someone you're close to has actually said to you that they basically welcome their own death - that's really hard stuff to hear.

So you start with you, looking after you. How's your emotional state dealing with this? Is this perhaps cutting a bit close to the bone hearing someone say these things? Watching someone appear to give up when you've had to fight tooth and nail all these years?

My Grandad is dying. And his Parkinsons is at the point where he's making some really stupid decisions - decisions that impact not only his life expectancy, but the quality of that life as well. But having made the decision not to swoop in and take over, the best I can do is be there for him, support him where I can, and look after me during the difficult days...