Friends with Bill W

[caroline_13]

Hi I'm *Caroline and I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober since a week before Christmas two years ago except for one very weak drink in Cabo San Lucas earlier this year while on vacay. (Not worth it.) And sometimes , for a brief period, drinking shots of my homemade vanilla (not sure if it even works). How funny that reads.

Drinking makes me avoid my problems and also makes me have the tendency to act more like my rageaholic mother. I find it does not relax me in any real way but causes explosive anger.

But the reason I finally stopped was not due to all the reasons why NOT; it was because I'm a witch and alcohol blocks my energy.

 

[StillPen]

Spoiler

Also just to let you know, this is still trafficking, as money was exchanged. I used to struggle with that language as well. My city is the human trafficking capital of Canada, and I was trafficked in multiple ways (labor, sexual, armed violence) && I used to say I was just "involved in a pedophile ring" because my memories of these events had massive holes in them, && because I did not realize that you could be trafficked without movement across borders. The definition of trafficking requires monetary exchange, that's it.

Weemie, I learn so much from you! I'm so glad you decided to stay.

 

[Weemie]

Weemie, I learn so much from you! I'm so glad you decided to stay.

Thank you so kindly Still.

 

[StillPen]

Hi everyone, I'm StillPen and I'm a recovering Alcoholic/Addict. I have been sober since September 1991 (Yes, I'm an old fart).

No one groomed me into drinking/drugging, nor was I ever forced to drink/drug (thankfully), however, I was exposed to a life of alcoholism at home. It was the main coping tool I learned from my parents through observation.

I got sober when I was in my early 20s so I do agree that in the early years, I absolutely knew what I was doing and chose to drink/drug. However, when I went into rehab, my counselor made me write down everyone I could remember sleeping with and if I was drunk or sober during the intercourse! Yup! Hahahaha, I'm like, how the hell am I gonna remember that? She said, just write down as many as you can remember, they don't even have to be the correct names...so I did. Wow, what a discovery! There were many, however, there was only a small number of times I ever slept with someone without being stoned or drunk out of my mind. It showed me something very important...that had I been sober?, I probably would NOT have slept around. I had to be f*cked up to give myself away freely.

Now, I'm no judge. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of desires, so I have no issues with people having active multi-partner sex lives if that is what they want to do. For me, back then, I was raised very religiously so I struggled once I sobered up with what I had become (a slut). I've been able to reconcile that time in my life and am, as they say, as 'happy in my own skin' as I can be, considering all things.

Good thread.

 

[Weemie]

For me, back then, I was raised very religiously so I struggled once I sobered up with what I had become (a slut).

I would encourage you not to use this language for yourself as that is very negative self-talk! Plenty of wonderful humans I know have multi-partnered sex lives and they are not sluts && neither were you. And I know you know that cuz u don't judge them so try not to be too hard on urself too.

I probably would NOT have slept around. I had to be f*cked up to give myself away freely.

Relate to this a lot as well. I'm varying degrees of religiously observant but some parts are more frum (religious) than others. Cece was shomer negiah for a long time because that was safe for her (no touching between men && women, before I had transitioned). She does not to this day like touching men so I have to navigate around that. I'm less like that now but still believe that touch is something reserved for special relationships.

Spoiler

I had a period where I explored my sexuality within the context of kink spaces & that was very meaningful & special to me so I don't view myself as having acted against my morals even though I saw a not-insignificant amount of people (probably like... 15?) For me I consign this within the realm of health because I was sober && making the decision to pursue this to get a handle on "what this sex thing was" for me, given that I had endured 5 years of extreme sexual abuse as a child && had no good reference for it.

But prior to that I had plenty of unhealthy, reenactment experiences that I frankly didn't like && that most likely frequently qualified as non-consensual as I was black-out drunk && the other participant was sober, & pressuring me into doing it, to which I would give a fawn response && switch drastically & go for it. Regretful, but I try not to blame myself, because I was still processing a significant amount of trauma. The substance abuse definitely played a role in this behavior though.

Once I stopped interacting with people while using substances, that behavior dramatically decreased. & I have not had a bad experience like that in a long while.

 

[Weemie]

(oop)

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

had I been sober?, I probably would NOT have slept around. I had to be f*cked up to give myself away freely.

Ooft same! I was literally celibate for two years because I kept trauma recreating while drunk. I’d give up anything but the crux of the issue, alcohol.

Getting blackout is terrifying “anything could happen” people would say and unfortunately anything did happen it’s an unfortunate thing that a blackout drunk person has a target on their back. But it is the reality of the world we live in.

In trying to self medicate and feel less awful about things that happened to me it actually just succeeded in adding more trauma to burning trash pile of my life. Not that being drunk was any excuse for anybody to take what they wanted from me it was not my fault. But again we do need to live in the real world and predatory people live amongst us and they look like you and me. There’s no way to tell what will happen when we’re under the influence.

I have been sober since September 1991 (Yes, I'm an old fart).

Ah our first “old timer”

 

[caroline_13]

Ooft same! I was literally celibate for two years because I kept trauma recreating while drunk. I’d give up anything but the crux of the issue, alcohol.

I've been celibate for a long time. I'm a Scorpio's Scorpio, LOL. I'm picky and the threshold for trust is so high and dating/sexual experiences so poor.

It's all coming, though, I won't be single forever.