Childhood Gang Rape

[Bloomy]

There is a case here in Noway right now about a girl 18 years old that got drugged and gang raped by three family fathers. 4 of the judges said that they did not agree that it was a rape cause the assholes said she did it willingly and lustfully. She was drugged severly nearly to death . No punishment cause of this 4 assholes judges.

I was 14 or 15 years old. Never been with men before. Never drunk alkohol. I was a shitty naiv stupid little girl.
Yes they invited me for a "party". But showed out they were only three. Could have been sons of those assholes. Middleclass white shitty boys. They got me severly drunk to the point I passed out.
Next thing I know I wake up in the bed. I asked him "why do you do this to me" and then I passed out again. In some ways Im glad I was dead drunk. Cause the memories would have killed me. I mean if Id remember more then I allready do. What I do remember allready kills me. I never really talk with anyone about this. How can I.
"mother" was an abusive narc with a pedo boyfriend and she had at that point startet to call me a whore.
Being gang raped confimr that I was the whore she told me I was. Confirmed that she was right. Why try to escape your destiny?

It hurts do that still today so many years after there are other girl that have to experience the same almost as I did.

I must admit it hurts when I see the support she gets. I mean - Im glad on her behalf. But for my self it hurts I never got that support.

Ended up in hospital. Abortion. Big rooms in that hospital. No one talked to me. Guess cause I was a whore to get my self in to such a mess.

They did the abortion and send me out. Still not talking to me. Not asking what happend. Just assuming that dirty little me had engaged in this my sef and then it was my own fault.

 

[BlueDream]

Omg Bloomy I'm so sorry hon!!
I wish I could reach out a give you a hug. I know it has to be so difficult to see that going on and feel like it's you again.
Please try and stay mindful and know you are in a safe place right now. I know it's hard, but try and take a few minutes and clear your mind, and just breathe.

 

[scout86]

I'm sorry you didn't get the support you deserved! I hope that you now realize that was the fault of the people around you, not your fault. Your mother was wrong.

 

[Bloomy]

I understand Im safe but self lothing hate my body and the things about it

 

[Bloomy]

And my sister too was wrong? Telling me I tried to seduce my dead beat asshole father as 27 years old?

 

[NatBird]

@Bloomy
I'm so sorry you went through that and at the lack of care or support surrounding the experience. I'm sending a hug if welcome.

I can hear the hurt and relate, as sure many here can.

I particularly relate to the narc mother with paedo boyfriend.
Getting loaded with the self blame/shame software is just another load to deal with on top of the hurt.

I hope that you're able to get the acknowledgement and support that you need to assist your healing.

I don't know if you have a diary on here but I find that helps me along with processing feelings.

 

[scout86]

You didn't really try to seduce your father, did you? Yeah, I'd say your sister was wrong. I'd guess she has her own issues that cause her to see things the way she does and say things like that.

Sometimes it's really hard to sort out the truth. Especially when you're trying to understand what motivates people. Doesn't matter if that's other people or ourselves. Motivation can be complicated. But, just because someone says something doesn't make it true.

 

[Bloomy]

@scout86 why the question if I did? Sorry but it hurts do I know you dont mean it like I feel it. Just cant stand the question mark. Please dont take it personal. He is a brute ass that man known for anger and violence. It was force, but I managed to get away before it ended up. Think he did my sis more then he did me as kids. Shes still a loyal fam girl and accept it all.

Its just to much being called a whore and treated like one and now the court case with that girl and its all over again.

 

[Bloomy]

I will become member and get one of them diaries yes. No support. Im seen as a dificult asshole my self that no one can like.

 

[City Slicker]

@Bloomy, if you see yourself through the eyes and lens of a 'whore' then everything you ever did in your life will feel 'dirty' and 'tainted' to you.

But if you see yourself through our eyes, you are beautiful.

I seriously want to punch out the people that hurt you - from those 'sons' to the hospital people who never once really 'saw' you or asked how you were.

 

[BlueDream]

Your "mother" should have kept you safe, it's not your fault.

I keep trying to think of positive things to say and it's not happening.

I so understand your anger about the abortion. Mine was not caused by a rape, however I still felt the same as you. Like I was a pos and it was all my fault I was there, because men have nothing to do with pregnancy right...
This male dominated world is such crap, I can't stand the way women are treated.

 

[digger]

I will become member and get one of them diaries yes.

You're already a member @Bloomy - you don't have to be a premium member to have a member diary, anyone who is signed in (not a 'guest') can have a diary in that forum.