I am wondering about the differences of being a victim of gaslighting and being diagnosed with ptsd. Although I have been diagnosed with ptsd, the more I read about gaslighting and its effects, I am beginning to think that I have been the victim of gaslighting and once broken down, have been traumatized to the point of developing ptsd. I have told my T that ptsd does not feel quite right for me, at least in part.
More than abused growning up, it was important to remain invisible, or being no trouble to anyone, even though I always was. Being 10 minutes late was a catastrophy. If I couldnt follow the rules, I would need to move elsewhere (age 13-17)
Fast forward to age 25-40. I was never my husbands priority. Everything else was, the job, then sports, the relaxation, etc. Eventually, after many years of hurts, we seperated. Our daughters were 12 and 14. The 12 yr old timid, the 14 yr old a bit dramatic. She teetered on gaslighting back then. My sisters stopped speaking to me because I chose seperation, although they had basically no contact with my kids, they said I should stay together until kids grown. So they chose to not speak to me. Very revengeful.
My 14 yr old played a game between me and her father, often gaslighting behavior. She was verbally abusive regularly and escalated to physical violence on 2 occassions. Yet she would say I was psycho, demean my job and career, sabatoge my work, loose my work on my computer, etc. When she was 16, I got her a reception job with the agency I worked for. She talked about me like I was crazy. Once I was looking for a skirt that I could not find. Since she borrowed my things, I asked her several times about it. She denied having it. I later found it in her closet cut up-she was going to use it for a costume. If she did not get her way, she would call daddy and say Im crazy. Years of this undermining left me with doubt about myself. At the same time, I dated a sociopath which is a story in itself. He was charming and doting, and comforting while my daughter acted out. She wanted him out of the picture. Eventually he was and daughter was happy for a short time. He pointed out her abusive nature, and dramatic attacks, and he was a seasoned therapist.
Ten years later, she tells me what I sense or perceive is wrong very often. Once mad at me, she said she might have stopped pmt on the wrong check and the check she wrote to me might be returned stop pmt. My intuition told me it was a lie. She did this because I came in late with my friend after listening to a band and our barking dogs woke her. I also ate a piece of her shrimp. She told her dad I brought a party home at 3 am. (big exageration). He dad jumped me about it. She denied stopping pmt deliberately until I proved it. I have felt that she sabatoged many things for me, my work, relationships with friends, dates, etc.
I no longer work or date or do anything but slave in this house. When she comes home, she calls the shots and if she doesnt get her way, I get punished. I feel sabatoged by my own family. How can I trust. I have no confidence left. I dont trust my intuition. Her and her father seem very content with my brokeness. Now I just dont know how to get it back. I have caught her lying many times. The most recent is that she had a job interview a couple of years back (internship). She said the person said I was a troublemaker from standing up to injustices in our community. She said she lost all respect for this man. I felt such shame and pain but goal was comforting her. Now I come to find out that this person never said such.
I am so tired and drained that I dont want to go on. I can trust nobody. Im sorry for babbbling but I feel very desperate at the moment. My life (once happy and full) is meaningless. I pray that someone will repsond with words of wisdom.
