Gaslighting: Protecting Yourself

[mamachick]

Phillippa, Im sorry you are going through this and I know that close family members can be the worst. Im not sure how people pretend that they have no effect on others or are responsible for part of the outcome. As if there are a bunch of rules we need to live by to go through life-and what the rules really mean is "do it my way".

I have sisters that have ex communicated me. Its really a relief, however sad, as I no longer have to wait for the bomb, and there is always one. Im not for everyone. Actually, that is where I got my name. They have shared their resentments all of my life as I was unplanned and they were stuck with a little sister and had to help. Guess I got tired of hearing about it.

I know how it can sting though.
Hugs

 

[Philippa]

I know why they pretend, I just think that in the end they lose, because I have a feeling that in our last moments here on earth we are faced with all the rotten things we've done...and the truth is stark naked and can't be hidden anymore...only by then, there is no more time to make up for what we did.

That's why it's best to think about consequences. You might think you are getting away with a lie, but the truth always comes out in the end.

I can't think of anything more terrifying really, than to be lying there taking your last breaths and not be able to atone for the horror you've caused people.

 

[mamachick]

Wow, I guess I never thought of it that way but you are right. My mother called me into the nursing home when she was dying and tried to explain things to me from her perspective. First time she was really honest and didnt make excuses.

You are right though. I guess I just could not face myself daily without my own admissions. I know when I am wrong. I know when the child kicks in, etc. We have to feel good about being honest.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, it's not exactly encouraged in society to be honest though, in fact lying seems to be much more acceptable, which is pretty messed up if you think about it.

I just think that people become very good at closing off empathically, maybe due to their own damage done? Because they can't empathise, or won't...they convince themselves that whatever they do doesn't really matter, except when someone hurts their feelings, and then there is hell to pay.

Blocking yourself off emotionally leads to all sorts of bad behavior that you don't have to think about...until the dam breaks and you can no longer ignore it. I think many people know deep down that they are hurting people, but they just prefer to remain in that numb place where they don't have to think about it.

 

[Estacia]

While I know that the person behind the keyboard is real, I don't let online people get to me. If they do even just a little bit, I tell myself they are not real. I have been bullied, abused, ignored and tanted my whole life. I have finally learned how to disacoiate myself from such hard words from people who are and "are not" real.

 

[dyinflowr]

Glad to have found this forum (hope it's still active!). Like Anna above, I've recently realized that my boyfriend is a serial gaslighter, which is such a relief, because I truly though I was going crazy. Came to the realization today - he had been speaking very rudely and disrespectfully to me all day, and when I brought it up (calmly and rationally), he flipped out, accusing me of being "out of touch with reality" and that my perception of how he treats me is all in my head. When I became frustrated and began to cry, he told me I was "having a tantrum." He had made these same arguments before, and blames any concern or complaint I have as a symptom of a hormonal disorder, completely invalidating my feelings. He also blames his nevgative actions on me, as though I made him treat me that way (by acting in a way that annoyed him).

After discovering that his behavior is text book gaslighting, I've decided not to accept it anymore. I have explained to him that this is what he is doing - unfortunately, he refuses to acknowledge his behavior or admit that he is gaslighting. I don't know if our relationship can continue if we can't address the problem for what it is... i.e. I don't think I should have to deal with his consistent gaslighting me, and accept that I will always feel as though I always have to put up with his treatment of me and that my feelings will never matter. I don't want to walk away from the 5-year relationship, which is great in so many other ways, but I'm beginning to feel like this is a dealbreaker.

Anyway. Not sure there is an answer or solution for my situation, but glad to know what I am facing and that I'm not alone.

 

[Abstract]

I haven't read all of this at all but I am struggling to understand how everything that is being referred to is gaslighting. It's possible I have never really understood the term but how I understand it it describes someone denying they have done something and therefore making one think one is crazy. I did not think it referred to belittling, bullying or any of those behaviours and rather referred to the denial that someone has done something or experienced something (whether that "something" is abusive or not). It's the denying or lying that is the gaslighting. Wrong?

 

[Artfulone]

"I did not think it referred to belittling, bullying or any of those behaviours and rather referred to the denial that someone has done something or experienced something (whether that "something" is abusive or not). It's the denying or lying that is the gaslighting. Wrong?"

I think that gas lighting is when it is consciously or un-consciously intended as abuse. I think part ofd the issue is that People who have been gas lighted or feel that they have been gas lighted and traumatised can often do this to others to a greater or lesser degree without even consciously intending to do so.

Gaslighting can be a form of double bind/ contradiction and is very much linked in with the psychological concept of the double bind. Persons with traumatic histories and also with personality disorders can be particularly sensitive to receiving or giving a double bind. It is often linked with lack of empathy and/ or lack of perceiving the result of one's actions.

The original definition is that it is done as a form of abuse, but the term is often used with broader conortations now.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think for it to be gaslighting, it has two elements. One, that there is a behavior which is cruel, hurtful, invalidating, stressful, or otherwise damaging to the self-esteem of the recipient. Two, that when the recipent, or victim, identifies the behavior and confronts it, the victim's perception is invalidated and her sanity is questioned.

 

[Britt.f7]

Most of the time, when picking up on things that were said or done, my mom, or sister for that matter, would often tell me I was imagining things, being too sensitive, etc.. I obviously wasn't in the right mind.

I had an aunt, when I called her and was crying about some things that happened with her and our family, she brought up suicide. Was I going to hurt myself or kill myself. It really made me feel uncomfortable since I didn't even say anything like that or anything to bring her to that conclusion. The fact is, she didn't sound concerned. I felt she was trying to plant the seed.

I try to avoid anyone that play mind games with me. Though I did get drawn in by a troll, my sons explained it to me and told me to avoid those people online. I also don't like being invalidated. Not sure that anyone does.

 

[Anna]

I just realised my mother did this to me for many years.

She would deny my memories, make me feel like it was all a lie.

Lucky for me there was a witness to the events who could back me up. It was a terrible thing. I don't know if she honestly didn't remember? It was kind of like Jekyl and Hyde.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The denial of my reality by my dad was gaslighting.

But the ongoing denial by my Mom and extended family was not. They really didn't see my experiences the way I did - or they were literally in such 'denial' themselves that they couldn't handle being triggered to have to really look at the experience.

My dad wanted to discredit all of us for his own sociopathic reasons.

The rest weren't trying to drive me crazy, they just couldn't understand my point of view. We are all entitled to experience things the way we see fit.