Relationship Girlfiend Pushing Away, Asking For Space

[RMichael]

Currently I am deployed to Afghanistan. I am dating a woman (for a year) who was beaten severely by her ex husband who changed when he came back from deployment. They got divorced and I met her, and we had a wonderful relationship. About a month ago, her sister began spreading malicious rumors about her, and she was having financial difficulties, all mixing with the stress of me being deployed and her ex trying to contact her. Last week, she called me crying, and asked me to give her space, not to contact her family (which I believe is a toxic family), and she cut communication with her friends as well as myself.

She asked to keep in contact with her via email, but not to call or text. She said she wants to heal, wants me in her life, but she doesn't know how long she will need. I have mailed her my personal journal so she can see what was on my mind these many months, in the hopes of showing that I am trustworthy. I want to support her, and help her. I am willing to stand by her side, but am unsure how to do this while respecting her wishes, and not pushing her away further. I truly love this woman, and will do anything to help her. I am not suffering from PTSD, but I do believe that she has been traumatized by her ex's abuse.
Please help.

 

[Sick of Fear]

First off, thank you for your service. Secondly, I don't have any quality advice but I do wish you the best and hope that you find the support you need on here. It's wonderful that you love your girlfriend and want to help her, but also focus on coming home safely.

 

[RMichael]

Thank you so much, and I want to clarify, when I'm working, I'm working. I understand the focus that is necessary out there, and I have a good support system out here too. Thank you again.

 

[Jlso111187]

Welcome, and thank you for your service. Let her know that your there for her and will be there anytime you can be. Let her try to work through her issues on her own as she wants but let her know your there to help.

Have you ever talked to her about seeking help for her trauma? Maybe it will help but again maybe not she might just get mad as I did until I was ready to seek help myself.

Hope you get the answers to what your seeking. Stay Safe out there. Thank you again for your service.

 

[RMichael]

Thank you for your response. I poured all my emotions into a letter I sent with my journal. I sent it to show her that she was on my mind the entire time, and got me through many things without being able to tell her. I told her I'm willing to face the bad time along with the good, by her side, and I love and accept her for who she is. I've said it many times before, but she feels I deserve better.

 

[Jlso111187]

Many of us suffer's feel our spouses or even just regular friends and family can do better. It's part of how we feel. I know it took me having my husband prove he was in it for the long haul and was done with the little games he used to play for me to finally except him into my life and not push him away so much. I am not saying your playing games just to make that clear. But it took the better part of 4 years for me to stop trying to push him away so much. I still do when I get in one of my moods but not to the point of where I used too.

Give her time. Showing her your in it for the long haul is a good start. Keep reassuring it though. It does help knowing that its not just said once that actions are shown as well. I know its hard over there but what you have done so far is showing it. Keep up what your doing and hopefully she comes around.

 

[RMichael]

If you don't mind, what do you mean by "little games"? I just want to make sure my actions reflect their sincerity and do not come off like that.

 

[Sick of Fear]

Jlso knows her stuff! I also spent a large part of my relationship trying to push my hubby away because I felt unworthy. I still get those moments but they are fewer and farther in between as time progresses.

You sound like you've got a solid head on your shoulders and I am confident that your girlfriend knows you love her and will come around. Hang in there and wishing you a speedy deployment and safe return. Many blessings to you and to all of our other brothers and sisters in arms.

 

[Jlso111187]

My husband would go off an cheat on me when I pushed him away and thats what I meant by his little games. He would also get angry with me when I would push him away. I am sure your not doing anything to cause her to push you away. You sound like you really want this relationship so keep doing as you are and keep safe so you can come home to her.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think your choice to send your journal was so smart and intuitively correct, brilliant really. It can remind her of the good past, and why you are trustworthy, things (or thoughts) that seem to disappear with the stress (not your fault). And your current letter affirms your current feelngs, despite how she may feel she has treated you. It is a good sign she is not blaming you. I would guess her traumas may also run much deeper than you know. Now I would let her be. I feel you have been wise, I would trust in that.

Stay safe, and peace to you.

 

[RMichael]

Thank you all for the support and advice. I'm waiting for her to get the journal (mail is understandably slow out here) and leaving her be. On an up side, she has started to open up to friends again, so I think once some of the other stressors in her life begin to lessen, and a light appears at the end of the tunnel, she'll begin to try and communicate with me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think your post #5 says everything, you can't say more than that. Because to be loved and accepted as we are 'now' is all a sufferer 'can' be, we can't be 'better' than where we are at. So much effort or self-recriminations can occur trying to be who we used to be or feel we should or need to be.

And I am impressed that you never ran her down. [ I in no way am minimizng what supporters go through- not quite sure if I am (as well as a 'sufferer' ) or have been one myself for 2 (udiagnosed) family members]. But anyway not once in your posts did you even make a reference to what you feel you are lacking. You sound mature, committed, and open. And brave to reveal your feelings versus protecting yourself.

I would also suspect, that maybe your experience with, and understanding, of the gravity of your work really helps put what is important to you and also her struggles in perspective.

Hope that makes sense, struggling for words today. I hope all turns out well! :)