Relationship Giving Too Much Credit?

[dulcia]

Do you sometimes ever wonder if you're giving your partner too much credit?

Scenario A:
He is lashing out because he had a bad night and I am his "safe" person. During his lashing out, he attacks me personally while simultaneously building himself up with praise, because he is feeling insecure. He tells me to leave because he doesn't think he deserves me and wants me to be able to be with someone who is more relationship-ready.

Scenario B:
He is pissed off about idk what and started an argument. Even though I didn't argue back, he started attacking me personally while simultaneously building himself up with praise, because he thinks he is better than me because he served and I didn't. He tells me to leave because he is over the drama, even though he is the one that creates most of it, and he thinks it would be easier to just go back to being single and a free agent.

 

[desiderata310]

boot to the head.
or therapy
or both.
@tiredtexan that's not ok.

 

[Stitchin]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I have ptsd from childhood abuse, and my ex husband had combat ptsd, he did all these things you're describing. It devastated me and I ended up on disability. It's not ok for him to do this to you - he needs help, and if he can't get a grip and stop hurting you in this way, it's my opinion you should protect yourself, verbal/emotional abuse causes long term damage,
BIG LOVE

 

[Llith]

My bf does that first one a lot when he is angry... Makes discussing any issues pretty hard because it always ends with 'I am not good enough for you so just leave.' which is like a non-conclusion, drives me insane.

I don't think it is a fair way to act, but when I lose it I am not very nice either so I guess it's just something I just live with to a degree. He puts up with me, I put up with him. I don't think I could cope of it was unbalanced.

 

[scout86]

He does NOT sound like a person who's even close to ready to be in a romantic relationship. When he says you deserve better, he's speaking the truth.

He may not have the guts to leave the relationship, even during the moments when he knows he should.

That business about putting on your own oxygen mask first applies just as much to someone who HAS PTSD as does to anyone else.

Here's the thing. You can't make him better. Even your support can't make him better. Effective therapy and a lot of work on his part is his only shot at getting better. By hanging around to be treated that way, all you're really showing him is that the consequences for treating someone that way aren't such a big deal.

 

[Parley]

I see it a lot on this forum. supporters being enablers of bad behavior. trying to explain it away. I try to avoid most of those threads because i'm a lousy supporter and my patience is limited.

 

[nursenurse]

In scenario A it sounds like you are excusing his behaviour. If he realizes what he is doing even after the fact, he does have the ability to try and change it, through therapy. Why does he keep doing it? You know you don't deserve it, you know you are a good person bending over backwards to try to understand and help. If you don't sit down and discuss boundaries with him, and more importantly, enforce them, then he is being given license to continue. It is obvious that he does not have the wherewithal himself to put the brakes on it, maybe he does have the desire, but it is not yet strong enough for him to make the effort.

You have choices. You need to think first of your boundaries. It could be as simple as when he starts berating you, you will walk away (not permanently, just until he cools). I can't remember if you have done this. The most obvious and likely beneficial action would be to insist that both you and he go to therapy, I think you might already be in therapy yourself. There has to be a consequence however for not engaging in help, and you have to be ready to enforce it, even if that means ending the relationship. At some point self preservation has to come first.

One thing I did find when I went to therapy years ago in a non PTSD marriage, was that unfortunately if the other person is not interested in therapy, the relationship is on tenterhooks. The problem with me sticking it out for so many years after is that I internalized a lot of the bad things, even though the logical me said I was a good person, an excellent wife, and not any of the names and choice depersonalization phrases that he had assigned to me. And it took years to recover from that after I left. If PTSD was not a factor, would you be putting up with what you are putting up with now? It is the effort that you see from each other that acts as glue to help bind the relationship. Good luck.

 

[dulcia]

A and B are descriptions of the same situations, with two different perceptions I may have of the situation.

 

[nursenurse]

Either way, my answer would be the same. I think you have to look at the problem history, not just isolated incidents, and come up with a plan of action for yourself. Read all of your posts here on the forum as if you are a stranger looking in. Don't let the word "love" or the letters "PTSD" make you helpless. We are never helpless, there are always choices to be made. Some days we do not have the strength to deal with what we know has to happen. Then we make smaller choices to help us realize what we need. Even choosing to sit back and think for a moment is a choice. But sooner or later we have to act on it.

 

[grimalkin]

I think it could also be how he sees them too, same scenario, different mind-set.

My sufferer and I (should I even still call him "my sufferer" at this point? Oy) could have an argument, and during it I am just a liberal shill, have no idea the sacrifices he's given, the life he's led because of his military and law-enforcement service (even though the argument had NOTHING to do with either), and how my childhood was Norman Rockwell compared to his (and again, nothing to do with the argument), turn it into how he's better off alone and free of the relationship bullshit.

And two days later he apologizes for said argument. Though, I don't get the "You deserve better" from him, because he knows that's not HIS decision to make.

Ultimately, what I've managed to wrap my head around is that, yes, I deserve better. I used to be very much of the "No one can make you feel anything, own your emotions" kind of person to codependent because I started to believe that I was responsible for how someone else feels (because the alternative is that I needed to develop boundaries, and probably leave). And, started to believe him that maybe I WAS a problem.

@tiredtexan I think, ultimately, that BOTH those interpretations are "correct." The real, underlying cause, the PTSD, is interpretation A. Unfortunately, because PTSD does alter how the brain processes, how emotions are seen and felt (or not felt), he may believe that interpretation B is the right one. And what it comes down to is - if he is in a place where HE thinks and says interpretation B is it? Then that's it. That's his truth.

To explain it better - for my own relationship, I KNOW A is what is happening. But B is what is presenting, and he denies A. So I know it's A. But it doesn't matter because it's ALSO B, and even if he were to admit that maybe it's A, he's not going to do anything to change it from B to A.

Does that make any sense? lol :rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 39414]

Do you sometimes ever wonder if you're giving your partner too much credit?

Scenario A:
He is lashi...

That's the time to walk away. I've been drawn into crazy making with my ex many times.

That is full-on crazy making. How much of that crazy crap can you take? My ex would tell me all the time he didn't deserve me. I named his PTSD personality, McFrosty poo poo. I want nothing to do with that guy. Maybe tell him you need to speak to the man you fell in love with.

 

[Llith]

I named his PTSD personality, McFrosty poo poo.

^^^ Sorry, but that quote is so good xD maybe I should name my boyfriends 'McFrosty poo poo' personality ahhaha.