I find that today, I am missing my daughter the way she used to be before all of this happened and I know in my heart that in spite of everything, she is my only daughter and I still love her. Most days I do not even think about her at all. But for some reason, I remembered her walking on the sidewalk to my apartment and it made me think of all of all of this. I accept that I will always love her no matter what but I am not going to go back to her. The person she has changed into is not a rational person anymore and I attribute some of that to her rampant alcoholism she has now. I understand that the feelings will soon pass after I vent here because that seems to be the way of it. I am co dependent and most likely am enmeshed with her still. I still have an unhealthy attachment to her in some of my ways.
Some days this is very hard to do. I am tempted to write her but that would only feed into her some more. My silly mind is looking for ways to resolve this and there is no going back for me. I have to detach and release her and let her go her own way. I am sorry all of this came up today. I do not like being like this. But I do accept that this is exactly where I am at.
No matter what I say or do, I would hear about it the rest of my life. Going no contact is the only way to go for me. I have to go this way for everyones sake. But I truly think this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am in a kind of quiet frustration and agony, all self inflicted and ask why am I am doing this to myself right now? I guess it is one of those things that cannot be helped and I have to learn to accept this and learn how to move on with my life.
I could never reason with her or talk or use logic with her now. It is too far gone at this point. I know that later on the feelings and thoughts will pass on and I will be feeling better again for a short while until the next time it comes up. I am doing okay with the kids today. I wish my husband was alive because I would love to hear him tell me what he thinks about all of this. He would say, do not get involved, so I will not. That much I know. I think it is terribly unfair that I am the one that gets all of this hubris dumped on me alone because we both raised her. I think this sucks big time. But I also know that life is just that life and this is a part of mine as painful as that is.
I need a voo doo doll I think. To stick some common sense into my daughter who was spoiled rotten. It so hurts to know the lies she has been telling of how abused she was a child. She was spoiled rotten and that is why she has this great sense of entitlement. I ask myself what will she do when it is time for me to co sign for her apartment lease again and what will I do? I will not sign it. I want to be free of the responsibility of financial things. that is why I allowed the car to be taken back. I just want to be free. I want her stuff out of my garage too, but not right now because I could not bear her drama that she would display is she was to come over here. I am beginning to feel better now for dumping it all here and I am so grateful to have this thread for this purpose.
