Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 12723]

I am a month into no contact and I had a smear campaign against me with false accusations on facebook. i just did the no contact thing with this family member. I had to unfriend a lot of other family members as well. I am missing the person my Narcissist used to be over a year ago. Also a very bad alcoholic. If you have gone no contact with a Narcissist how do you cope with the humiliation of a smear campaign.

If anyone has gone through this with a grown child do you remember what helped you while you were only beginning to go no contact? Do you have suggestions to help me to ease the pain I am feeling. I am watching youtube videos about Narcissists and writing about it on my diary as well.

I guess what I am specifically looking for is tips and suggestions how to make this transition a little less painful as I begin to go no contact with my family. I have two grandkids a grandson almost eighteen years old and a twelve year old granddaughter. I love the kids very much and it is hurting me so much to lose connection with them in this way. I just am trying to find a new purpose and direction in my life to focus on and I am wanting to also heal and to recover but I realize that the passing of time is going to be the thing that does me the most good.

Thanks for reading. I have alot of support here and in my regular life as well. But it doesn't make it any easier to cope with the hurt and the anguish.

 

[scout86]

That sounds very difficult! Did you have a chance to explain to your grandchildren what's going on? Once they are legally adults, they can have contact with you, if they want to, regardless of what their parents think.

I don't have the same situation. My brother (probably a narc, or something similar) unfriended me on Facebook after our mother died. (Long, messy story.) Not a loss, he's impossible. He has a daughter though. She's in college. We email & get together now & then. Maybe you can come up with something similar? (They're missing out on an awesome grandparent!)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

According to the boundary my adult Narc made, I am not allowed to mention her and I have been texting the older one and the younger one dares not to speak to me so I have no idea what is being said to the kids I also write them letters and the older one said that he got the letter. I just walked away from everyone because I do not need the drama and the gossip and well intentioned advise. I got a very cruel remark from a relative and took a time out. I have blocked their phone numbers too. I am just in so much pain right now. It is a nightmare that I am educating myself to. The adult child is waiting for me to go crawling back which I am not going to do. From what I have been learning it would be far worse if I broke the no contact in an attempt to communicate my side of things. I think it was a clean break actually with little real damage except the shock I was in at the beginning of this ordeal. Thank you for what you said to me, I really appreciate this very much @scout86 . I am sorry for you have experienced with your Narc brother. It has been a very painful and costly lesson.

 

[scout86]

From what I have been learning it would be far worse if I broke the no contact in an attempt to communicate my side of things. I

I think that's right. On my mom's side of the family, I haven't heard from anyone since before she died. I have no idea what that means, but he's been in contact with them, so i know they've heard his version of things. I'm guessing they've decided to accept it. He's much better at presenting his case than I am. I've decided that, if they don't know me any better than to accept what he says without question, so be it. On my dad's side of the family, I'm still in touch with a few people. I've decided if people want to hear my side of things, they can ask. Otherwise, I don't have a reason to defend myself, I'm just going to drive on.

I wish there was a better way to deal with situations like this! If it's out there, I haven't found it yet. (neither had my T, apparently.) Hang in there! In the end, I think the most worthwhile people figure things out.

I hope you can stay in touch with the grandkids. Having a narc for a parent isn't easy. (My mom was.) I think they'll benefit from having you in their lives, but one of the things you have to offer them is an example of how to maintain boundaries with their parent. You're doing a good thing for both them & you by standing your ground. There's nothing you can do with a narc.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You're doing a good thing for both them & you by standing your ground. There's nothing you can do with a narc.

Thanks for that insight,I had not considered that before. And I realize that there is nothing I can do with my adult Narc. I have quit because of what was accused to me and then spread out in front of the world. I felt humiliated and devasted. I know the truth and I agree no need to defend myself. But I do not want contact at this point in time with those adults hanging around for something to gossip about. I did make a clean break and I am proud of myself for being able to accomplish that. I did just walk away in silence and staying away too. I just have a real hard time right now coping with the pain and anguish of this seeming nightmare. I am doing all in my power to process this experience so I can better move on with my life. I am glad that the grandkids are watching what is going on. I am glad that I have tried to reach out to them. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, and so are you, you are very strong in your choices.

 

[Hooper]

I am on the opposite end of the equation. Kind of like Scout. My Mom's an alcoholic/narc and I cut off communication with her 2 years ago. Before I did I let her know it was a possibility. I told her if I treated my kids like she treated me I would want them to cut off contact with me. I put her on call block because the relationship was toxic/abusive and nothing is ever her fault. There is no getting through to her. Time may help you but my experience is time causes a narc to marinate in hate and become more abusive. I let her know that there is nothing my children can do to make me stop loving them but there is something a parent can do to make you not want to contact them again. Listening to your story I guess it is possible a child could push a parent to the limit you have been pushed. That would be extremely painful. I don't know what to tell you but from what you've written it sounds like you took the high road. Give it some time. The truth has a way of coming to the surface. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much @Hooper for sharing your sad and tragic experience with me and the insights into my adult Narc. I am sure that the hatred grows more and more with each passing day directed towards me. I am making a clean break and I have blocked the phone number so the only way my adult narc can get to me is a poision pen letter which I already have one stashed away. Cutting all contact off is so very painful because my dream of having a loving and happy family is now completely dead. I have a hard time with this one. yes I have been pushed to my limits very much.

I am glad you said that about the truth surfacing eventually because I too believe this. I am so sorry that your mom is the abuser and I am so grateful to you for lending support to me at this time.

 

[Hooper]

Rain,
It is sad but I have nothing on many people here. I actually feel fortunate. The older I get the more I realize more families are dysfunctional than normal. I wouldn't feel that cutting off all contact destroys your dream of of having a loving happy family. I was unloading the dishwasher the other day, got greedy and tried to hold 5 plates in one hand. As I dropped them I bent down to try to salvage a few. 2 shattered but 3 made it. I know a family is a whole but the more people involved the harder it is to have a loving and happy relationship with all of them. What I went through was a divorce where I chose to live with my father as did my oldest brother and my youngest brother went with my mother. She has never forgiven the fact her 2 oldest sons chose her father when the truth is she and my dad failed at their marriage. They should accept responsibility for the fact that their marriage failed. Each parent put down the other. As their off spring if I believed them that would mean since they were not worth a damn I must not be either. I could not make everyone happy and maintain my own happiness so I dealt with it until I got out of the house and as the years passed the lies and truth became apparent.
Someone once told me we are 3 people. We are who we think we are, we are who we want others to think they are (Facebook is a great example of this narrative) and we are who we really are. Very few people are all 3. When my Mom would say something particularly cruel towards the end I would ask her to write it down so she could remove herself from what she said and see it in a different light. I don't think she did and I'm not sure it would have worked. It's tough dealing with a person who has no empathy. If your daughter has any empathy I'd send her letter back and read it as though her own child had written it. History has a way of repeating itself and it might help her to see what she has in store. As hard as it is don't go negative. Part of the reason I cut off contact was so I wouldn't go negative. It took me becoming a parent to finally stand up for myself knowing I could never treat my kids like she treated hers. Your daughter will be a grand mother probably in the next 10-15 years and sit squarely in your shoes. That should scare her. I remember how my mother treated her mother. If you can't get anywhere based on your relationship today maybe you can appeal to her selfish side by letting her know she is going to blink, wake up and be a grandmother with children she should pray don't follow her example. Good luck.
hooper

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Hooper thanks again for sharing your insights on this topic with me. I happen to agree that more and more families are dysfunctional than not. I do not want to become bitter at all. I am resolved to maintain contact with my grandchildren as much as I can. I just finished writing both of them very cheeful letters. The little one is not talking to me but I know that she loves me anyway. They both do and we are so close in spite of what is going on and I have to trust that my daughter is seeing to it that they get their lettters because they did the last time. It is hard in the not knowing what is going on.

I have done my best to love each one unconditionally as I loved my daughter unconditionally. I realize that I had a hand in helping my daughter to become the spoiled and self centered person she has become.

I am so glad to hear that you have kids that you love unconditonally. Thanks for giving me some real hope this keeps me going forwards no matter what. It is a journey and I am processing my emotions and thoughts.

i realize that my daughter does not see ahead to the future with her kids and that there will be problems that she will have to face and deal with too.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Honestly, I think that you will have to just go with the pain, until you finally decide that it isn't you. I went through this for yrs with my daughter. Nothing was ever enough for her. Nothing I said or did was ever the right thing. Nothing! She blamed me for her entire life. She demanded more and more from me, and her husband/children and when she didn't get what she wanted, then all hell broke loose and she would make your life a living hell, until she got whatever it was that she wanted. It was ALWAYS someone else's fault and it didn't matter who that was. She LIED about everything, and when I'd catch her in a lie, she shrug her shoulders and say, "It's just easier to lie than to tell the truth, I lie about everything?" She was also a closet drunk and doing drugs. Then all hell broke lose.

She ended up in jail, and her husband is still there. She got out, filed for divorce and is now living with a drug dealer. This is just a small, very small amount of the things she has done, but again..... it's MY FAULT!!!!

For yrs she would punish me by not letting me see my grandkids. It would be weeks/months/yrs before I was allowed to see them. She did whatever she could to hurt me. I spent so many yrs depressed, suicidal and and in and out of psych wards.

I went no contact 3 yrs ago, after telling her exactly what I thought about her. It's been the best 3 yrs of my life. I also decided to go no contact with the last family member that I talked to a yr ago. I'm finally happy and so glad that I now have a drama free life with no shit....

It will get better, you just have to remember why you are no contact, and remember the pain that this person put you through..... Hugs!!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@She Cat I am so sorry to hear what you went through and am glad you are now in a much better place! I think you are right about going with the pain until I get this fact in my heart where it can do some good. You just described my daughter to a t. I am just now waking up out of denial of how bad it has been for me for the past year especially. Your story is mine as well and as for drugs, I just do not know if that is part of the picture but I know that she is an out of control alcoholic. Thank you so much for sharing your pain that you went through and giving me a real hope. I so appreciate the real hope. It does get better with no contact. I am only in a month of no contact,and although there was a blow up last year and I did go crawling back she did apologize with tears and now I think I am the one going crazy?

We are done with each other and I am so sorry that she got in the way of contact with your grandchildren. I am afraid that this is going to happen to me and is in fact happening now. I know the little one is not responding to me nor is she speaking to me and I am trying not to obssess over this one. So far I can text the older one and get some texts back without the I love you that used to be in them. I have a very broken heart and know that I have spoiled my daughter so much being a classic enabler of her spoiled ways.

I hear you on being so depressed and down about all of this happening. So far I am proud of me for not intending to ever crawl back again. Yes according to her everything is my fault. Even the fact that if she does not have her surgery her blood is on my hands so melodramatic and such a drama queen. No taking responsibilty for anything whatsoever.

In fact she even asked me point blank what kind of revenge was I planning so I am wary of what the future holds for me now. I am storing some stuff of hers in my garage and I am not touching that with a ten foot pole! I am so fed up I just wish I could access my anger which I think would help me so much. I am just in pain and depression and shock.

She has falsely accused me of insane things and the cruel words she told me burned me badly. I do not dare go back because I know it would be far worse for me if I did. I still get the temptation to reach out to her and set her straight but I have learned that if a person does not see or hear the real me nothing I say or do will change their minds. So I am resolved and determined to go no contact from now on. I am so glad that you healed up in time and that you have a better life now except for being so sick. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Hi there

I too am estranged from both my adult children 3 years with my youngest and 6 months with my eldest. Both kids ended up going through the foster care system because of my mental health problems and child protection issues. I did my utmost to make up for failing them when they were little by staying in their lives and helping them in any way I could against much opposition from social services. However they both have mental health issues themselves now (so common in care leavers) and both of them blame me for how they and their lives have turned out. The youngest told me a whopping great big lie about their father which I know cannot possibly be true and when I confronted them with it they cut off from me and changed their phone number and even changed their gender and their name!!!! I managed to track them down last year on Facebook but we just got into another argument and they cut off from me again. They told me they won't have anything to do with me while their father is still in my life but neither of us did a thing to them (though other people did and got them to blame us for it to social services). (Which they admitted in 2 courts of law). However social services have got them convinced we DID behave inappropriately towards them and have managed to turn them against us on the basis of a lie. And my eldest turned his back on me when I was very sick at New Year with a chest infection due to COPD. Apparently I'm no use to him now I'm effectively disabled and he doesn't want the responsibility of helping to look after me as I get older and more frail. And he has a very jealous girlfriend who was upset he came home to me at Xmas and didn't stay with her instead. So he has chosen her over me.

All this has left me feeling very sad and depressed and upset. In fact I feel like I'm mourning the kids they were when they went into care all those years ago because those kids don't actually exist anymore and the people they have become are pretty much strangers and not the sort of people I would want to know if I met them on the street or in a pub. I will always love them BECAUSE they are my kids but I don't like them if they can blame me for what other people did or did not do to or by them. I did the best I could and yes I made mistakes, what parent doesn't? But I don't have to keep paying for it over and over again. That's just insane.

So to the OP I'm not sure if either of my kids are actually 'narcissists' per se as that seems to be the go-to insult that some people throw at others if they're not getting their own way (not saying that's what you yourself are doing but other people are doing it these days- in fact, my eldest accused ME of being it all because I challenged him about him giving me the silent treatment when he went back to his girlfriend after Xmas for 3 weeks before I blew my stack at him about it, having put up with him doing this to me for the best part of 7 years....yes I tolerated his abuse of me THAT long fool that I was) but these Millennials seem to be very bloody selfish shallow and irresponsible and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in being thrown to the kerb and I know first hand sadly how much it hurts. I do believe you're doing absolutely the right thing by yourself going No Contact because at the end of the day we both have to protect ourselves from their emotional abuse of us. It's all about self preservation. I hope things work out for you regarding your grandkids and I'm sorry you've been the victim of your kid's smear campaign. It's not fair and it's not right and no you didn't deserve that. My eldest may have done the same thing to me because he doesn't want me going to visit him or his girlfriend. I wonder if he has told her a pack of lies about me to elicit sympathy and attention. I know my youngest did it to me and then I exposed them for being a liar on Facebook then apparently all their friends turned on them as none of them knew they had been through care and my youngest had told their friends they were an orphan!!!! So you see what we have to realise is that it's not always a parent's fault the way the kid turns out because if both my kids had been allowed to stay with me they wouldn't be a pair of liars and fakers today. Sad but true.

I wish you well. Hugs if you want them.

Best

Crazy diamond