Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

[Deleted member 37474]

My sister in law is dealing with this. Her x husband is a Public figure and went on a radio show and stated that she left him to raise their children on his own. Much of the interview was praising what a great dad he is with mom out of the picture. (They have joint custody, she is very much in the picture). Her friends that listened to the interview told her to listen. She contacted the radio station who appologised and was going to forward it up to the tour production company. Regardless, this type of smear and the lies he has told the children about their mom is unthinkable. Currently, the boys hate their mom, dad has had too much access. And he was a good hands on dad, as long as it was always about him. And the public feeds his "greatness." Narcissism is a real problem in society. I seem to know more and more people effected by it. I wonder, is it learned behavior or are people born this way?

What I tell her to do is pray. She relies on God in her life, so for her it is a good solution. She has seen it work at times and it gives her comfort. Her counselor has told her to put her first. Her emotional health is very important. Not to give in to her boys demands and to be a strong parent. Boundaries. Also, she had gotten her own house that isn't 5 doors down from her x. The boys would refuse to see mom on her days, now they won't have the easy access of running down the street to play with dad.

 

[amymuse]

I am a month into no contact and I had a smear campaign against me with false accusations on facebook. i j...

Have you tried using search words "smear campaign of the narcissist" when you are on YouTube? It goes right to the videos about this. (There are alot of videos about narcissists there, so it's not easy to find exactly what you are struggling with. I look at them too.)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you guys so much. I have seen some videos on smear campaigns but I have another one going on now and I just got a notification from my grandson replying on it and I am refusing to go there and look at it and am ignoring it. Yes she sucked the kids in and so I kind of choose to detach now and let them go the way they need to in order to be safe with their mom. They have had to pick her so I am forced to let go of the whole thing. I do not know how my daughter got access to my social media because I have disconnected from her and my grandson disconnected from me. I find it interesting that my daughter is using social media and now my grandson too. I was texting my grandson and now that option is closed. I have worked too hard for my peace of mind to allow my daughter to destroy it. It is out of my hands now. Wow, I am just stunned at this turn of events.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@Rain
While researching about narcissists and histronics (learned that they are essentially narcissists), I found this excellent website called: After Narcissistic Abuse . It has loads of info on Ns. One I used frequently years ago which no longer allows new members (at least the last time I was there about two years ago - might be now) is called: Link Removed

When I was dealing with my mother and her N ways I used the later board. Lots of stuff to read plus reading about how people have left narcissistic relationships of all kinds. And the best, there's a forum there to discuss your problems. There's a reading list, essays, and a what helps area. It's run by a psychologist named Dr. Richard Grossman and started in 1999.

I've also frequented a website called: Out of the Fog
It's a website dedicated to helping family members & loved-ones of people who suffer from personality disorders. There is a forum on there.

I received all kinds of backlash from my Nmother and stepdad for leaving my sick family system. There were threats, more verbal/emotional abuse that I suffered as a child, and accusations that I was deranged. Lovely. I ignored it all no matter how nasty it got. Though I had the support of the Voicelessness and Out of the Fog forums to help me stay strong and on track with the break I made. At that time Twitter and Facebook didn't exist. I have both of those accounts now and use my writer pseudonym for them. I keep my sharing and comments to a minimum.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much, I feel so much better now. I am two months no contact with a attack last night and early this morning. I will keep my comments to myself from now on. Thank you so much for the informative sites, much appreciation and thanks.

I will feel a lot better as I continue to ignore my family and continue with no contact. I am so done and I am also becoming angry at my daughter for hooking the kids into it. I will not look at anything that they post anymore. My daughter is becoming more graphic in falsely accusing me of sexual abuse of my youngest granddaughter. This is really sad and tragic but I will survive and thrive eventually. I am so done.

 

[shimmerz]

My daughter is becoming more graphic in falsely accusing me of sexual abuse of my youngest granddaughter.

So then you need to go no contact in order to protect yourself. I don't even know what to say about this Rain. I am so very, truly sorry.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain Absolutely, no contact with any of them, no matter how hard this is. Especially if she starts falsely claiming sexual abuse. I would google how to block people on the social media sites that you use. On all of them there should be ways.

My best friend of 35 yrs walked away from our friendship because of something I said about Trump. What I said was so benign that it was laughable. But as I look back I was emotionally abused by her for 35 yrs. All I ever heard about was her extremely narcissistic husband, her issues with him, her stupid business and her kids, I believe she is histrionic, because it's always about her and her issues.

I feel for you as I know exactly what you are going through... Self care, keeping busy and KNOWING that you are healthy and she isn't will help,,,,,,

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much @shimmerz I am determined to go no contact with the kids now too after this last attack on social media. It just sickens me that she would involve her own daughter on this new smear campaign. I am so ignoring this one. I noticed that I am a little bit more reactive than normal so I am purposely staying away from facebook for a few days until I am feeling better all around. Many hugs.

Thank you so much @She Cat for your support today because I really need truth voices that watch my back. I have been busy today and am now done for the day and can just chill the rest of the day. My daughter has my grandmothers and mothers disease and my sister has it too. I have gone no contact with everyone that can possibly be involved as far as family goes and sadly I am very used to this.

It is a brand new deal with my oldest grandson and I will google blocking etc and use that another day when I am more alert.

I am feeling so much better than I was and it may take me awhile to heal from this toxic encounter but I will heal.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Rain One thing I wanted to say, but forgot.. LOL!!! The fact that she is basically tracking you on social media, she's upset that you have put a boundary down by breaking all contact. She's upping the anti, trying to piss you off. Trying to make you break down and contact her, to fight and argue. She will most likely try even more, but if you're smart, you won't play her game. Hang tough........

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh that makes so much sense @She Cat I get what you are saying. Thank you so much for the heads up. I have not only blocked her phone but my oldest grandsons phone today. I am refusing to engage in any way and it is really easy to ignore her. But everything you say rings true and i may just read what you wrote over and over again. I thought that she had discarded me.

Anyways I have made plans to spend tomorrow with my two dear friends at their house for a long visit so I have something to look forwards to and am getting a small buzz on some red wine. This day has been too much but I am so damn grateful to you for saying what you did. This actually makes me happy to hear this one. The sad and tragic part is dragging the kids into this drama and uproar too. But I am now feeling one hundred percent percent better now. Many big hugs to you for being such a steller person in my life today. You are brilliant!!!!:happy::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 8714]

The sad and tragic part is dragging the kids into this drama and uproar too.

My Nmother did this often and then pit the children against each other. Her favorite game: use one kid to spy on another and bring info back to her that she then used against the spied on kid. Sicko! It took me a while to figure out that the N system is sick and anyone still in it wants to hurt me in some way. I severed ties in 1988. Tough decision yet healthy.

My best friend of 35 yrs...I believe she is histrionic...always about her and her issues.

I figured out that my best friend (11 years) was histrionic about five years into our relationship. I didn't know that histrionics are essentially Ns in a scaled down version and are usually females. It would figure though that I'd form a relationship with an N-like woman. My first therapist was an N and of course my mother. My best friend started to say nasty, cutting things to me. One was so cruel, I blocked her number on my landline. I later removed the block and then made it permanent after another nasty jab. She called me on my cellphone and attempted to manipulate and coerce me into correcting the problem with my landline. Instead I blocked her number from my cellphone, thus ending the relationship. Our relationship was all about her and her getting the attention she desperately needed.

As therapy for myself, I once developed a website all about her which I never published. So it was never online. I called it "Look At Me."
Here are blog posts I wrote.

January 2012:
When I get your attention, even if it is negative, I swell with importance and pride and I seem to take it all inward.
In reality, it goes no where.
I am shallow, as flat as the pancake frying in a pan of grease.
No affect.
No emotion.
No feelings.
When I am ignored watch out. An ugly rage of demand roils up from within my shallow depths ready to lash out at you.

Excerpt from March 2012:
I know what that song really means; Running on Empty. I have run on fumes for my entire life. They have been the fumes from other people’s gas tanks. I ran on their gas tanks, sticking a hose down into their tanks and sucking up their precious fuel to fill my tank up only to have the gas nearly drown me in toxic fumes. The toxic fumes I created from the precious fuel. The moment the gas hit the inside of my tank it became toxic fumes and nearly killed me. I was stealing energy from others. I was an energy vampire, sucking the gas from as many full tanks as possible. Nothing good ever came from my fuel sucking abilities. In the end, I destroyed the other person’s gas tank and their vehicle or watched as their car sped away and left me standing in the pouring rain.

Wow! The insight I had was amazing. I wished I had quit the relationship back then. My therapist told me to curtail exposure. Great. Curtailing exposure doesn't work for an N look alike. Cutting ties completely is the only way.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Incongruous thank you so much for taking the time to put all of your information here. I really appreciate so much what you shared out of your personal experience.

My daughter uses the youngest to spy on the older one and get him in trouble and has always done this. I am so sorry that you had this experience with your mom and glad that you are free of all of it now.

Thank you for sharing what you have written, I see that no contact is the only way to stop this nonsense. I did not know that my daughter hates being ignored. That it seems to be the source of her full on rages, until @She Cat told me in the above post.

My daughter is now lying so openly all of the time.