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going to places where you were traumatised

C

cantfindit

#49
I have had to go to places where my trauma occurred and I have hated it. I have been scared, unhappy, nervous and honestly just wanted to leave constantly. I was so relieved when I could go. I was so relieved I didn't see anyone that would trigger me.

I don't really think there is a lot to be gained from revisiting places where trauma happened for me. It isn't like a phobia situation. But that's just me.
i think thats normal for many people who've lived through trauma. i remember last summer when i gave my old neighbor a ride back to the trailer that me and my ex lived at for several months, where he abused me, and screwed up my life. as soon as we got there i wanted to GTFO ASAP. i got extremely anxious and dizzy after i dropped him off there, i pulled into a parking lot and sat in my car for a while because i didnt feel okay enough to drive.
 
#50
For me it was the best thing I have done to move forward, and since a fun camp was now there, and the people were such I felt completely safe, it brought me some closure, Before it was a memory of camp of horrors, but now it just represents a piece of land used for camps that was used briefly by bad people in 1977.

But everyone is different, for me, my memories were literally killing me (me actually killing me), since 1977 I have never had a day even now where my mind is off in trauma time. My experiences were so extreme and some bordered on torture that I have never been able to not have my trauma fresh in my mind as I try to function throughout the day. It's kind of hard to set aside the mental, physical abuse, even harder to put aside the sexual abuse such as being raped 5 times there (3 by staff, 2 by peers).

The good news is that being in the group home I am in that like camp I feel completely safe there, and for the first time in my miserable life I am not having to deal with a flood of traumatic memories every day, and for the first time I am actually safe from self-harm. The downside is my recovery path requires I confront my trauma which is mentally painful, and eventually be able to express the emotions my brain has suppressed to protect me. I have not been able to cry since (42 years), my brain just shuts it down to protect me. For the first time I am actually in a recovery, where before I had to cope around my trauma often with self-harm being part of that.

I think if you look at my posts as a trend the above will be apparent, I know @joeylittle the mod probably can recall how I was in the beginning, where I several times was sanctioned for posting suicide plans I had. I had a very hopeless outlook back then and want it to be over, where now I have a positive outlook, albeit painfully achieved. But I am embracing this paid, and processing it so I can move past it.

But I am also very aware that I am at the beginning of a real recovery, I have a long way to go, but each baby step seems to be huge breakthrough for me. I so want to finally put my trauma in its proper place, and truly live and exist for the first time, it is so good to be able to sit down with others and do things like watch tv, etc. and be social and an equal without my trauma intruding.

Now I wish everyone could be where I am at with my trauma, but we all have different paths and time lines, and one has to be ready to do the painful hard work, but the reality is it took 39 years for me to even open up about my trauma, and it has taken 42 years (3 years later after opening up) for me to be at the stage I am at. The unfortunate part of all this, some of the years that could have been my best are lost. It would be nice to go back a couple decades and be where I now am with all this and happily live in those years for a change.

I don't know if any of this helps anyone on the forum, but I would hope it would bring some comfort to others, that it may be hard, and may seem impossible, but it is possible to have some light at the end of the tunnel as some would say. I know I can never fully achieve it, but I strive to restore my life as much as I can to some degree as if the trauma never happened.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
#51
When I went back to one of the places that I was attacked, I found myself able to mourn and to connect with the little girl inside me. She is screaming for help, and sometimes I don't know how to help her. She was so young.....
 
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