General Grief - The Loss Of The Good Of Times

[FreedomO2]

I read the threats on grief, Grief - The Loss Of Our Old Self.
I am a carer, My wifes PTSD manifested after 5-6 years of marriage, 2 kids we had by then.
We battled for 15 years, and are still together. There is alot of good in our relationship, which helped us stay together.
It is one thing about Grief, when you loose someone, death, divorce, etc... I never experienced that.

To me it seems another thing, when you loose 'the good old times' , but still sleep in the same bed together every night. The person next to me is not the person I got married to, I had kids with.
I feel trapped. Sad. Angry.
She and we managed to live with her PTSD, which works well since early this year, although it created many wounds in me and our kids.
But the grief about 'what could have been, if...' , 'why did I get married in the first place...' , 'this person destroyed my life'... 'life is not what I thought it would be when I married you'... makes me feel depressed and angry at the same time.

 

[hopelives]

BIG HUGS. I suggest you go and speak alone to someone. It is hard. My husbands CPTSD manifested on day 3
of our honeymoon and we have been married for 8 nearly 9 yrs now. It has been an exhausting time.

I have thought and felt all you are feeling and I still do on my bad days. But after talking to a therapist and understanding what my husband has been going through it has so helped.

There is no use looking back and thinking What could have been and what if. It tourches yourself. You and they cant change it. I know my husband would if he could. You both have been through so much and so have your kids. Maybe after you have had some therapy you could have a few family therapy sessions.

Sending you Hugs and Chocolate and a bottle of wine.

 

[lonetree]

I can be tough Harry. I try not to think of the past relationship but it does creep in once in a while. Those are the days I am really down and I try not to be near her. It would only make her feel worse.

Try to remember its not her fault and even though she behaves differently she is still that person you fell in love with. I try to look at where I am now and how this whole thing has taught me things I never would have known. I have grown as a result and been able to look at myself in new ways.

I agree with sickofit that a therapist of you own will help you and your family.

Good luck:)

 

[valdoodle]

I empathise. After 14 years of living with my partner who has PTSD he has now rejected me. The has shut me out for the past 6 months. We haven't been intimate for 2.5 years ish.. He now says he doesn't want a relationship and is looking for somewhere else to live. He does say his PTSD is out of control and he can't help it. I don't know what to do. There seems to be no help in the North West UK. If anyone knows any....... HELP! I miss the magic times we had together, special songs, intimate looks, the love. I feel angry for what I feel is wasting 14 years of my life on a lie.

I send you a big hug. You are not alone.

 

[Learning123]

Yep I can understand the grief and frustration when someone changes. I guess there are two ways of looking at this; there are soooo many people on here who would give anything to get back with a partner and be there for them with their PTSD, and there are soooo many who have been 'let in' by their partner despite their PTSD and find it hard to cope with the change(s).

I can only suggest that you try to imagine what it would be like if your wife said 'I can't be with you anymore', because I can say quite honestly, I would accept the changes, I would accept the 'what could have been' if I'd have been given the chance, if I'd been 'let in'.

That might sound a bit idealistic and ignorant, but it's a very educated and thought out comment, Harry, I hope that you manage to work it out and feel more positive about life and I know it must be hard, but 'for better or worse' you still have your wife, enjoy it and love what you have, because I'm pretty sure she must love you very much, even if she can't show it like she used to, she's still there, and good for you for hanging in there all this time :-)

You say there is still a lot of good in your relationship, focus on that and stay strong, it sounds like you've been a great husband.

 

[lovinbiker]

I can only suggest that you try to imagine what it would be like if your wife said 'I can't be with you anymore', because I can say quite honestly, I would accept the changes, I would accept the 'what could have been' if I'd have been given the chance, if I'd been 'let in'.

'for better or worse' you still have your wife, enjoy it and love what you have, because I'm pretty sure she must love you very much, even if she can't show it like she used to, she's still there, and good for you for hanging in there all this time :)

You say there is still a lot of good in your relationship, focus on that and stay strong, it sounds like you've been a great husband.

Some wise words L123 and I agree with all you said.
I read posts here by the carers who are let in and cant cope and the ones who where shut out and still cant cope.
I would have loved the opportunity to have been let into my sufferers life to be able to be there for her when she needed me.

Instead I had to let her go ( although still friends) for her good forher well being and that is harder than dealing with the changes that happened.

Yes it may be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but its even better not to have lost .
Take care
LB

 

[hopelives]

Some wise words L123 and I agree with all you said.
I read posts here by the carers who are let in and cant cope and the ones who where shut out and still cant cope.
I would have loved the opportunity to have been let into my sufferers life to be able to be there for her when she needed me.

Instead I had to let her go ( although still friends) for her good forher well being and that is harder than dealing with the changes that happened.

Yes it may be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but its even better not to have lost .
Take care
LB

With your comment about being let in. There are times my husband lets me in. But that often leaves me more confused than ever. Because he works in a different through pattern than me at times. Sometimes being shut out is a blessing. But than it is frustrated in isn't own right.

 

[Old Dreamer]

Our adopted daughter has shut us out for a month now. I drove by last week and she file an order of protection. Her therapist is taking care of it but it really does break us up inside. She has complex trauma after many years of abuse and violence and her birth family, and did not tell us much of what to expect after the adoption. We're getting therapy ourselves but some times the pain is intense. Guessd at times the new dad is the trigger and tranferance target. I am beginning ot hate those words.

 

[valdoodle]

In desperation I looked back through old posts. Since December my partner did move out in March,. He had PTSD for 26 years and we were together for the last 14 of those. He has been gone 6 weeks. now.

Too late I realised that while we were together during the last 2 years or so he was showing me his love in the only way he could. He was doing all sorts of litle things around the house to make my life easier and me happy. He could not make me happy emotionally because he had none to give but he would light the fire,cook me a nice meal and then watch me eat it, suggest a nice film or walk. We had a great holiday but he showed me no love or feelings during it. Being in such a wonderful place with the man I loved and getting no romantic love back hurt so much. On my birthday during the holiday I was desperate and asked him if there was just one thing he loved about me . . and he could not answer. I was so hurt I just presumed there was another woman in his life. When we got home an unwanted visitor, a young woman, kept calling for him.and he was quite secretive about it.... I fell apart and asked him to leave. (A day later I begged on my knees for him to stay but it was too late). It makes me cry to think of it now.

I do understand the sexuality of PTSD partners. I don't like it. It seems unfair that when trust was an issue, he couldn't physically love the person who he could trust most in the world.

He did love me but in his way. I am in no doubt of that now. Loving me made him weak and unable to cope as did the arguments when I complained. How I regret those now.

If you are lucky enough to still be with your PTSD partner, look for the little things. Get pleasure from them. Don't take it personal. They are shut away from emotion and doing their best to show love in the only way they can. I wish I had another chance to 'do it right' but the best I have now is occasional visits to care for our cat and friendship.

Today I have to pick myself up from a very lonely place and put the foundations of my life in place. ((((hug)))) they always help.