Childhood Groomed To The Point Of Obsession

[Sideways]

I'm still working through this in my head, so I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm trying to say.

My abuser used a broad mix of brainwashing tactics, but he was really really big on the grooming. Outside my special lessons I was so much the "pet" with the constant attention and constant physical contact that it drew comments.

When I was in a special lesson, he was always particular to start (and usually end) with me sitting on his couch listening to his speech about how special I was and how much he wanted to help me. And even though the bulk of the lessons were pretty sadistic, he always threw in a lesson here and there where he was incredibly loving, gentle, kind, sensual and patient.

A few years ago now, I had a T ask me "when did you first realise you were in love with him?", which I dismissed as ridiculous. But now, I'm thinking maybe not. Even thouh I was a kid, I recognise that by a certain point, I'd become quite obsessed with him (urgh). I didn't just crave the contact, not caring how much pain and humiliation was required to get one of the loving lessons, but I believed (and treasured the idea) that I was more important to his wife. Although, he was a psychopath, so probably neither of us were particularly important to him.

I guess what I want to know is, despite what they put us through, did anyone else get to the point where they were obsessed with their abuser, like "do anything for you no matter what"? And if so, what do you do with that?

 

[scout86]

And if so, what do you do with that?

Totally different situation, so I can't really answer your question, directly. Seems like one of the things you do with it is accept the fact that you were a kid, and you were vulnerable, and he was Evil and very good at it. So you fell for it, at the time. Like pretty much any kid in the same situation would. Then you let yourself off the hook, as best you can.

What do YOU do with it?

 

[Sideways]

What do YOU do with it?

I'm thinking out loud here, because honestly I don't know the answer to that question. But it feels a lot like I'm only getting to know myself for the first time.

The big thing that seems to be falling out of it is now I can kind of understand why it's been so important to me to hold onto what he taught me about myself, about my purpose in life. I think that's been my way of protecting him, and protecting what I believed we had together.

But I can see that being obsessed with him was something he deliberately created. And that would have made it so easy for him to not just do what he liked, but to make me believe whatever he wanted me to believe. And it makes it feel like it was just a great big sick game.

There was a time, after sex, where he got me to kneel in front of the floor to ceiling window with my hands behind my head. He stood at the end of the window with his hand on the curtain cord and told me to choose: get up, get dressed and walk away, or stay there and expose myself to the kids outside. He was "helping me" overcome my pride. And I stayed there with my eyes closed and said "I want to be your whore of god". But I didn't do that because I wanted to overcome my pride - I stayed there because I thought "My life is over if I walk away from him".

He didn't end up opening the blinds (obviously- there were kids outside), although at the time I believed that he would. But he had me so tightly controlled and obsessed that I would've allowed him to humiliate me like that in front of the school if it meant I could stay with him...

And before, that was just f*cked up and confusing in my head. But now, it's kind of sad (I think it's sadness, but I'm not good at naming my emotions). I'm not at the point where I'm angry at him yet, but I think, maybe, I'm not quite so angry at me...

 

[mary1979]

This came up in the Stockholm syndrome thread.

Its quite common I think.
I wouldn't have called it an obsession for myself, but most definitely felt all the feelings you describe, from around age 11 through til I took off from home around age 15.
Actually no. I allowed my abuse to occur once more even after I left home.

I guess I didn't break free until he was jailed.
Nope. Hahah wholly cow, this is harder than it looks.
I even allowed him to control me after that through my Mother.

Ok. I broke free once I had a baby of my own to protect.
So age 17.

What you do with it?
If I'm honest, I didn't break it for me, it was for my child.
But for you, I guess you recognise that you are worth more?

Thats the bitch of most of our symptoms as victims of child abuse.
Every last bloody symptom no matter how complex always seems to come back to self worth.

 

[Sideways]

@mary1979 - I haven't been following the Stockholm thread because I read the OP and that "no, that's not me at all". Hmm..!

This stuff is really intense. I don't know why our brains have to make it so hard to see things with the benefit of hindsight as they really were. It doesn't make sense to keep so much emotionally invested in our abuser. Hell, people get over a divorce quicker than this - all I want to do is let it go.

And at this point my T would say something like, "So let it go"...it should be that easy. I'm 34 now. I should be able to just let it go, and stop defining my life. Imagine the possibilities- finally being able to create my own self concept from scratch. And yet the brain keeps clinging on like my life still depends on being acceptable to this man, a man who didn't actually care about me to begin with.

When in doubt with what I'm feeling, and the whole "What emotion is that?", I resort to: is it good, or is it yuck? I think it's yuck, but I'm not actually sure.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess what I want to know is, despite what they put us through, did anyone else get to the point where they were obsessed with their abuser, like "do anything for you no matter what"? And if so, what do you do with that?

Yes, I still call my step dad "my first love" though I was 12 and he did very horrible thing to me, he also had "gentle sex" times were he fully made me believe he loved me and he was going to divorce my mom and marry me as "I was better than her" in bed anyway.

What do I do with it? Absoulty nothing. I still desscribe it as so and I still think of him at night which is super confusing because I also have flashbacks of him pinning me to the wall with an exacto knife or box cutter and cutting me down there amoing other flashbacks so its confusing.

I still fully believe the "cult beliefs" of me which includes this. I think eventually as I keep poking holes in what they said, this also will be one of those things, it will eventually change.

Unsure if that answers your question. Unsure there is an answer because its a process like anything else, so in my opinion, beleiving it right now is ok. As long as you are making steps foward, it will start to change.

Either way, you are totally not alone! :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Being reminded that I'm not alone is the single most important thing that I get from being on this forum. Thank you @lostforgottensoul , we struggle on slowly, knowing we aren't doing it alone.