Shannon1024
New Here
My name is Shannon and I am diagnosed with CPTSD. I have had over 20 severe ongoing traumatic events that has occurred in my 32 years. I am known for being the woman that can handle it all. Because I always could, little did I know, I was not handling anything, I was locking it away in a basement in my brain that was a forbidden place to go. I didn't even realized it existed there. I started developing symptoms that began more and more problematic throughout the years. I was misdiagnosed with all kinds of stuff, tried all kinds of medicine, of course without any relief. I knew there was something very wrong with how I perceived reality and how I thought one day so I admitted myself to a behavioral resort. After 2 hours and 43 minutes of talking to the doctor on call that night, there was a moment of silence. He finally said, Shannon at the age of 25 you have been through more things that would usually break a persons mind into having lost touch with reality. You are doing an amazing job being a functional adult. At the time, I wanted to yell, but I'm not functioning, I feel like I'm dying inside. Yet, I went inpatient and got some therapy that I can't even remember to this day. Since then 7 years have passed and more events have occurred in my life that have triggered repressed memories from childhood, and also caused more symptoms, night terrors, and flashbacks from these new events. I have went partial hospitalization for 2 1/2 weeks recently to come back to a divorce from my one true love because of the way I am. I am a negative person. I always feel attacked. There is no reasoning with me. If there is anything to say about me I will find the worst possible way you can say it and twist your words around making me the victim so I have a reason to defend myself. I have just came to this conclusion tonight actually. With losing everything I love, even though I didn't realize I loved it before, and as I'm sitting here with nothing but the frightening feelings all over, the horrifying flashes of memories, the terrifying thoughts, I am seeking help because I feel I am fighting a losing battle, hanging on to the last thinly fraying thread to reality. I feel my brain has been damaged so severely that I am that person sitting in the doctors office that has completely lost touch with their reality. I don't know where else to turn. People do not understand how a brain can work with CPTSD and how it is actually physically damaged. I want to be me once again. I want to love myself. I want to feel worthy of love. I want to survive, not just exist.
