Happy for an identity i actually don't have???

[J_trustno1]

Man, I'm also sick of my posts but I'm gonna write or else I won't be able to sleep because this will keep going in circles in my head. So here it is.

I am an Indian from north India who came to NZ at the age of 12. I have been in NZ for 15 yrs now and I'm more close to kiwi culture than my own due to growing up in a multi cultural country. But this isn't the actual problem and I actually like being in a multi cultural country or else things would be boring.

Now here is the real problem. Back in 2013, I met a lot of Persian people and they confused me for looking like a Persian. It wasn't the first time this has happened. I've had people in the past asking me if I were from the middle east because I'm light brown and I have similar features to them. I have also been confused with being South American few times too but I enjoyed the Persian part more lol. My ex was also Persian.

Anyway, I tend to enjoy this whole middle eastern look like thing than being an Indian because of the past and how I was looked down. I'm not trying to defend myself or being racist here but I think I have a major problem here. I am not the ethnicity I am proud of because I'll never be a Persian or middle eastern or a south American. I'll always be an Indian.

However, the problem doesn't end here. Whenever I attended events that are relating to my background and my people, I develop fears. I start feeling suffocated and start feeling that I am judged on every little thing and it is true because it has always happened in the past. I get anxiety whenever I'm in crowd full of Indians. But today when I was in a crowd full of Iranian (Persian ) people, I felt part of them, I felt one of them , I actually felt welcomed but I felt unwanted and disliked in my crowd.

I know I have major issues here but does anyone else suffer from the same?

 

[Tanishq]

I don't have an answer for what you have asked. I am sorry for that.

I hope you don't mind me saying this. Writing such posts in your diary will help you, otherwise you will keep asking questions. I am understanding if something comes in your mind, you question it immediately and then the thing goes in circular mode.

Diary can really help you. Diary will help you in long run to put your mind at peace without having to question anything that crosses your mind.

I am making this post with lot of care. Pardon me if my choice of word is wrong.

Edit: I am not asking you to stop questioning, questioning is good, but it is not good when you do it all the time. It will keep creating doubts in your mind. IMHO.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well.. okay, yeah. That is an odd one. So you feel more comfortable with Persian culture and people. What's so bad about that? I mean.. I know that I feel extremely uneasy when surrounded by Christians, but feel very much at ease in a crowd of witches. Same thing with age. I don't like going out to clubs for people my own age, but feel fine in clubs for older people. (Though goodness, now that I am older I wonder if that will change?)

I know in my case I feel as if I'm being judged by my 'own' people, according to their cultural values and such. When I'm around different folks outside of my own White Fundamentalist Christian heritage, I just feel looser and less anxious. And what's so bad about that?

If I lived my life according to what I'm 'supposed' to be doing, I'd be absolutely miserable. I would actually be living a lie by trying not to 'live a lie', if that makes any sense. Think about gay folks for instance. The ones that try to act straight despite being gay are generally very unhappy people, and have all kinds of problems that 'normal' gays don't. It's a terrible conflict. I know a guy who tried for years to 'pray the gay away' (and hated himself horribly) then one day he just gave in. He's one of the most well adjusted people I know. He's happy, despite behaving in a manner inconsistent with his heritage and cultural role. I mean, seriously, he's a big, husky manly-man. The exact opposite of the 'queer' stereotype.. but it's just what he is.

Seriously, you should just do what makes you happy. Be with who makes you happy. Who cares if they're Persians or Eskimos or Martians? I really don't think anybody will care one way or another, and if they do.. Screw 'em.. That's their problem, not yours. ;)

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh yeah, and @Tanishq is right.. Diary is the way to go, makes it much easier to find and refer to your older posts...

 

[Whitebird]

I've never had your problem. I agree with @Go Hungry. Who cares if you are Persian or Indian or whatever and if they do it is their problem not you. Enjoy what you enjoy!
p.s. I think Persians and Indians have a lot of cultural similarities.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Jess,
People actually moved around a lot in the past, and they went in all directions. There was a lot of trade and exchange of people and ideas going on all over Eurasia, Africa and into the Americas.

There are paintings on the walls of old monestries in china of Buddist monks with red hair, full beards and blue eyes, Bodi Dharma, who is credited with teaching the Shaolin monks how to fight, and as the originator of Zen, was from India (many of the ideas of Zen are present in much older Sanskrit texts), and there are Persians, Iraqis and Afghans who have blue eyes, and sometimes light coloured hair.

Going the other way, and there are Eastern Europeans with gorgeous high cheek bones and very wide spaced oriental looking eyes - some of who's ancestors probably came from the steppes of mongolia.

Finland, with probably more blonde haired people than anywhere else - and what language do they speak - an asian one from the same root as Japanese!

Ireland, with some of the least sunlight and people with the palest and most easily burned skins of probably anywhere, but in the north west, there are curly haired, darker people with heavier features - probably descended from shipwrecked black sailors, who settled and married local girls.

Some of the Somali Clans on the coast, look Portuguese, and that's probably where their ancestors came from.

People and Ideas have always travelled and mixed. Don't feel guilty if you feel more welcome ammong your Persian friends than ammong your family of birth.

Countries are just lines drawn on maps. Before WW1, you could go most places in the world without a passport, and buy land to build a house on and settle, wherever you wanted.

 

[digger]

You can choose to identify with as much or as little of your nationality and culture as you like. If you don't identify with it, stop using it as a descriptor for yourself. It's not compulsory other than for filling in forms. If someone asks me to describe myself, it wouldn't even occur to me to use British as an adjective, it says nothing about me.

 

[shimmerz]

Your identity is whatever you want it to be. Glad you are looking at making it yours. Do what you want. Everyone else does. It isn't hurting anyone and you have found that it makes you feel better. I'm all in for that.

 

[garden]

I think I understand and my heart goes out to you.

Given your personal history, I think having issues with identity are natural. You grew up being made to feel inadequate simply for existing, I think it's safe to say that that may have messed with your ability to connect sometimes, and being a female in East Indian culture can be extremely difficult on so many levels, let alone being rejected continuously within that culture by the person who is supposed to love you, teach you about the world, and guide you through life. There is so much beauty and connectedness within East Indian culture, and when you have seen others enjoy that, others who have been able to feel a part of this culture and benefit from it's many positive values, it's hard to swallow the fact that you got ripped off in that arena. Ugly exists in any culture, it's a human trait.

I have had similar experiences. My biological father is East Indian (from the North also), and my stepfather is as well, and he married my mother who is half chinese and half indigenous Fijian. As you know, marrying out like that is frowned upon, let alone marrying a divorcee with two small children. I used this point to argue against the prospect of an arranged marriage, I told him he was a hippocrite, it didn't go well, but I could not back down. Growing up, I often overheard my paternal relatives sitting around mutually disparaging my mother, and this made it difficult for me to connect with them, even though in my heart I loved them dearly. On the flip side, I have never heard my mother, or her side of the family say anything negative about my fathers side, even though I know for a fact that they have observed things that were not right, they kept it to themselves. This is indicative of my mothers culture. It has been more challenging for my relatives to understand my personal identity than it was for me to own it. I can also relate to being of one culture, and growing up in another. When I was at home I ate roti and spoke Hindi, and at school I would automatically conform to the parameters of dominant culture. It's as if you stand with one foot in one country and the other foot is across the oceans, within other borders. You are informed by more than one culture, and this gives you a broader perspective than you might have had if things were different.

I encourage you to keep sorting through this, and do so with compassion for yourself. A diary is useful, but don't feel discouraged, ask questions here because you might benefit from different perspectives. Listen to your inner voice and if your inner voice is cloudy, pay attention to how you feel and the signals that your body gives you. Try to find positives in your experiences, and hold on to them when you find them, remind yourself of them when you are feeling down.

It's okay to feel unsure, it's okay to ask questions, it's okay to feel what you feel. You have every right to be, and you have every right to find your place. I hope this helps somehow.

 

[Friday]

I have a good freon who missed his calling as 007. He's actually of Russian Jew heritage, but his features blend into the native population over about 2/3s of the world. Tall, slight, medium skin, black hair, dark eyes... In the UK & Americas? People speak English to him. In France? French. Italy? Italian. Israel. Hebrew. Middle East? Arabic. Kosovo? Albanian. Northern Africa? Berber or Arabic. Russia? Russian. Meso or South America? Spanish or Portuguese.

It really doesn't matter where we are... His coloring and bone structure just looks like it belongs. His gait, and the way he holds himself? It's this ambling sort of walk common to, really, everywhere. Which just doesn't happen. People actually hold themselves differently, depending on where they're from. And people subconsciously pick up on that. It's little things most people don't even notice (Americans, for example, hold their eyebrows 1/5th of an inch higher than Europeans... Stuff that is that subtle, but in blind photograph studies? Most people will be able to pick the American out of the group of Europeans, and vice versa, even if they don't know why.) He's super fun to travel with.

As an American, I'm a pretty standard mutt. I'm mostly Caucasian, mostly from Northern Europe. But I've got links to local tribes, as well as members in my family from Southern Europe, Middle East, Africa, Asia. We tend to get pretty into geno & ethnography over here... Because most of us are mutts of some kind. It's interesting learning where our grandparents, and theirs came from. It is extremely rare for any one culture to only marry within itself here 2nd generation onward (heck, have a friend named Muni who's high caste Indian who married a red haired Texas girl against his parents wishes he met in college... Oftentimes even 1st generation American doesn't keep to cultural rules. Their kids are adorable. Not often one meets redheads who tan).

You are who you are. What that means? Up to you.

 

[scout86]

The identity you actually have is YOU. You're kind of "a nation of one". So, you're a New Zealander,, whose family came from India and who appreciates and enjoys Persians and Persian culture. Makes perfect sense to me and I see no reason to apologize for it.

I don't know a lot about the customs of northern India. If what we've heard in the news lately about the way women are treated in India is any indication, it seems like it would be hard for a woman who's intelligent and independent to have much of a connection with THAT. Other than to be glad not to be there and maybe "there but for the grace of god goes I." I suspect you might have a LOT of company, if you can ask women from backgrounds similar to yours.

In the US, the people of the state of Texas tend to think that being a Texan is a hugely big deal. If you move there from elsewhere, one thing people say is "I wasn't born here but I got here as fast as I could." I kind of like that saying and I think you could use it for anywhere, once you find a place where you feel like you fit in.

 

[garden]

His gait, and the way he holds himself? It's this ambling sort of walk common to, really, everywhere. Which just doesn't happen. People actually hold themselves differently, depending on where they're from.

This is something that I've always been really aware of. Body language speaks loudly to me, it has for as long as I can remember, and from an early age I observed how my mother carried herself vs how women from my fathers side did. I also see the differences in body language from other cultures, living where I do it's everywhere, and it's interesting to watch. I'm a people watcher, lol, that reminds me of Dr Suess...bee watcher, hawtch hawtcher...I digress.

I also have had different people come right up to me and speak to me in their language. I live in a part of the United States that is culturally diverse, and people of mixed ethnicity like myself are not uncommon. It's always interesting for me to hear the different languages, and to see the different ways of living. We humans are capable of amazing things. Identity is ever evolving, just like perspectives are over time.