Has Anyone Else Experienced This?

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so for the past 1-2 months me and my T have been working on trying to keep me grounded and to keep me from dissociating all the time. She helped me realize that I pretty much dissociate at least 75% of the day, it's basically been my comfort zone. I basically have lived on autopilot. Well since I've started using the skills she has taught me and also teaching Bristol how to ground me, I am starting to live a little more in the moment, however I am noticing something that isn't so pleasant. When I am trying to stay in the moment, I become easily irritated! I CANNOT focus on more than one or two things at a time, and I get snappy when I am trying to do something and someone is talking to me. Like yesterday in Wal-mart. I was trying to focus on Bristol and my stepmom just kept talking. I honestly had to calm myself down before snapping at her. Then a stupid employer acted ridiculous when she saw Bristol. Bristol sensing her startled response, stood up and stood between me and her. The lady immediately was like "you can't have an aggressive dog in here." Bristol wasn't growling or anything, she simply stood between me and her like she is suppose to and watched her with interest. I told her that she wasn't aggressive, she was a service dog and was trained to stand between me and strangers. She rolled her eyes and walked off. I wanted to snap her head off as I was fighting hard not to dissociate!

The last time this happened was when I first got out of the psychiatric hospital for my suicide attempt. My T said it was due to all the stress on my body.

I do not like this! It would be better just to dissociate I feel like, but I know that doesn't help me heal. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar? Did it eventually get better as you learned to stay more in the moment?

 

[Pencil]

I relate totally. When I'm lost inside my own head - which I have become to believe is dissociation - and someone talks to me, I feel physically aggressive. LEAVE ME ALONE!! I experience being present in moment as restrictive and I feel SO trapped.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

When I dissociate I too become trapped in the moment and yes the snapping is all part of us trying hard inside to ground.

I snap and like @Pencil I find myself screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE" I know this now and really have to fight myself from actually shouting it in peoples faces.

It can be such a struggle some times I find stopping myself just as physically tiring as the dissociation itself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If she's a service dog, she should be wearing a vest at all times while in public. I hope she was. Then the employee would be WAY out of line. I would complain to Wal-Mart. Heck, tweet it, post it on facebook, whatever.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I am glad I am not the only one experiencing this… I thought I was going crazy!

@Solara Yes, she was wearing her SD in training vest! I have a friend that works at this wal-mart and I am going to ask her who the girl was! If she was afraid of dogs, she should have just went in the other direction.

 

[madmax]

ditto

 

[Pencil]

trying hard inside to ground.

Not me. I'm happy inside my head - it is having to come back to the real world that I avoid and hate.

physically tiring as the dissociation itself.

It is staying in this world that I find exhausting.

 

[mytai]

Hey @FindingMyself88, I'm the same way. When I fight my dissociation like my T has been helping me to learn to do I find I get very snappy with people, and I can be very short with them. My T is trying to help me learn that there are times when it is safe to allow myself to dissociate and there are times where I need to be fully aware so that I can be safe and keep myself safe.

A lot factors in when I think about if it has gotten easier or not. Yes, in some ways it has gotten easier to stay present in my day to day life. However, if I'm over tired, drained emotionally, sick, or have a head ache I find that I can't fight the dissociation. It washes over me like a wave, and it is comforting. In that moment I feel calm. In reality I understand that it is a fear response of sorts with me and teaches my body that I'm not safe when I really am.

 

[Stuck20]

I've recently tried to be more grounded in the moment. I feel everything and am overwhelmed by everything around me. So yes, trying to do more than one thing or if someone tries to talk to me and distract me and I want to scream at someone. I want to live my life in the moment and not live on autopilot but it almost physically hurts. I feel like a headache is coming on, my stomach feels upset and I can feel the air on my skin. I guess that when I'm not in my body all the time, physical sensation can send me into overload.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@mytai yes, I am the same way on certain days and factors. If it's a day being around a lot of trigger some family, most of the time at church, if I haven't slept good, and headaches all make it harder to impossible for me!

@Stuck20 Yes, it does physically hurt. It exhausts me and makes me feel like I am a rubber band stretched to its breaking point!

 

[KwanYingirl]

WOW! I was going to start a thread on this very topic today. My therapy today was about me giving up dissociating. You see, I like it. It prevents flashbacks and ends my anxiety. But I also have a history of cutting or over medicating while dissociated.

I have mood states that are extremely irritable, so much so, that I just isolate myself so I don't burn any bridges. I'll have to bring that subject up with my T.

Grounding...wouldn't know it if I fell right onto it.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl I like it too, however I am tired of not functioning and I want to get better, plus my T said I had to practice so that doing EMDR would be easier.

I talked with her today about this and she said she wouldn't expect anything less. On top of trying to stay grounded this week, I have had a LOT going on… Bristol's surgery, apartment issues, mom loosing job, spending father's day with dad, nightmares, etc. She said that it is physical work trying to ground yourself and considering the state I have dissociated in all my life pretty much, she said it is going to me tough. Then add on top of that other things trying to get my attention. It's like working hard and having 5 other things going on!

Sadly today has been riddled with anxiety. The group she is with is actually in 2 houses side by side. The office is in the one she is NOT in, so I always sign in there and go sit on the porch of the house she is in and wait because I don't like being in the busy lobby. When she came out to get me, she told me later she stood there for a minute before calling my name, then I jumped. I had dissociated badly. I went straight into her office and grabbed her pillow. She says thats how she knows I've had a tough week!

So she told me to take it easy on myself and keep trying to ground myself, but don't force myself.