Has Anyone Ever Accused You Of Using Ptsd As An Excuse For Problems In A Relationship?

[just me here]

I was floored. Still cant beleive it. My wife, in the midst of an argument accused me of using my PTSD as an excuse for having done and said some things she didn't like. I am not talking about spending too much money or forgetting our anniversary, I had an argument with a child (of 24) about their behavior and some thing were said and I got triggered and angry and then shut down for the rest of the night, bed by seven. Next day we fought about it and I told her I was angrier than I should have been because of some PTSD symptoms I have like being overly sensitive to other people getting angry at me and having a total adrenaline overdose. Sometimes I shake or tear up, most of the time I have clenched jaw and fists and am leaning into it a bit before I even realise it. Now I go to my meds and sedate myself and withdraw, hopefully to do some successful bio feedback exercises and sleep it off.

Using the PTSD diagnosis to explain my quick anger and faster withdrawel to early bed was evidently not acceptable in this establishment. She actually told me I draw my PTSD like a gun. I think she watched 'true grit' too many times.

So, has this happened to you? (yeah I thought so). How did you handle it? Do you feel like the accuser exposed themselves as insensitive or worse?

I feel like I could limp with a broken foot and she would get mad if I didn't want to go shopping because of it. After all, I only limp so I don't have to go shopping, right?

 

[timetorecover]

OMG ME TOO!! Hubby, proper insensitive, un-compassionate and totally has no understanding. I just wrote a post that said it all, then I read yours!

I give up trying to explain, its actually making me more ill!

Sorry to be negative but I am kind of fed up! :(

 

[Barberian]

The few years before I slipped into the "D" part of PTSD I was very quick to anger and rather antisocial. My wife was... not very understanding. She just thought I was an ass. The first year or so after I was diagnosed with PTSD she was not very understanding, but she was trying. She has her own issues and kept trying to compare my issues to hers (not a good match). She had a hard time understanding why I couldn't deal with people and crowds. She wanted me to take her shoping all the time, and occasionaly go out for dinner etc.

This last year she has for the most part been very understanding. We still have our moments from time to time, but it's much much better. She does what she can by herself as far as bills, shopping etc. When I do have to take her, I stay in the truck usually. When a task starts to overwhelm me, she stops me when I start to lose control. She will step in and finish it if she can.

Two way communication is a big part of our relationship. When one of us is having a bad day, we tell the other what is going on. What is bothering us if we know what it is, and what situations to avoid triggering us.

Discussions, lots and lots of discussions between my wife and I, and an occasional "sit in" on my counseling sessions is how we got to where we are today.

I hope the best for you and the Mrs.

 

[Anna]

Yes all the time. Been called crazy and all that shit as well... After awhile you just ignore it and you have to otherwise you will lose your control... people say stuff when they are heated they don't mean. Especially when they don't understand, like they want to hurt you. In an argument people say nasty things. It is what it is.

 

[myvetswife]

The few years before I slipped into the "D" part of PTSD I was very quick to anger and rather antisocial. My wife was... not very understanding. She just thought I was an ass.​

I was thinking that for nearly 20 years with my hubby. Couldn't understand his anger issues. When he went to clinic and we found out he was suffering from PTSD it was suddenly clear why he behaves like that. BUT he now workes on this issues. Therapy, meds etc. And I see how he tries to get better. Obviously there are steps back. But there is a chance you can work on yourself and work things out!​

 

[Philippa]

I got accused of that recently. Anna's reply helped me put it in perspective a lot. I reacted and deleted this person from my life. I've been thinking of her today actually, and how much she did contribute to my life...but really, she is someone I met on the internet, who lives in Mexico. I don't think I want to spend the time it will take trying to get her to understand me just so I can feel safe around her when I am stressed or not well.

She really tore into me, and got nasty...and I was not doing too well at the time, so it has kind of left it's mark on my mind. I'm not that willing to revive things for now. Not sure if she cares at this point either?

I remember before I had ptsd thinking that people in our situation use their disorder as an excuse to behave badly, and I know it can really seem that way from the perspective of someone who doesn't have it. If you think in terms of us all having a choice how to act and respond, rather than react, it makes no sense that someone can just get so angry...but with ptsd, I've learnt that it really is a very hard thing to control and not react when you feel attacked.

I'm a lot more understanding I think, than I used to be, that's for sure.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Had it happen by someone I care about. Really sucked. Now it's stuck in my head even if he's not in my life like he used to be

 

[ericaboo]

Just happened again - 3rd night in a row. The whole thing is so useless and unproductive.

Will we pretend it's all OK in the morning like we did the last 2 times?

We were actually arguing about whose on more meds and who took them the most recently.

Pure, unadulturated, useless negativity - bleh!

 

[Chincho]

My "friend" said that to me, and finished with " you'll never get better because you're not ill, you're just a bad person."
After that she totally erased me from her life: blocked me on fbk, won't answer my phone calls, etc.
And the most ridiculous part of it is that I really miss her.

 

[Meadowsweet]

When I had friends, I didn't know I had ptsd and sometimes I was shocked that they could be so insensitive.

They were insensitive and lacked understanding. But I accepted that my actions were my responsibility. And in time, I've accepted the lack of understanding on their part with more compassion.

I think knowing I have ptsd, I wouldn't want to get rid of friends so definately, because I have a better understanding of my own and their differences.

So I think if I did react now, I would be inclined to apologise for my own part. And I think when things have calmed down is the time to ask them to listen to how you were feeling in that situation.

I just think theres more chance of them understanding a little later.

 

[just me here]

After more thought, I realised that I am also sometimes guilty of the kind of thinking that probably leads to someone resenting the PTSD explanation for bad actions.

When someone does something offensive or damaging to me, I don't really want to hear about why it happened, I want assurance it won't happen again or the alternative to that a total disregard for my feelings with no apology or hope for change. Either of those responses to my pointing out the offensive behaviour or the damage a person has caused is really equally acceptable to me. No matter what the response is, I know it won't happen again, in the first case because the person has accepted that they were out of line and promised to stop what ever it was they were doing, in the latter case they have made it known that I can expect more of whatever it was and I can either accept or go away, keep away.

I personally hate it when I get neither an apology or the knowledge that I have yet another person I do not want to be around. I can't tolerate the excuse without an acceptance of guilt and apology or the reasons behind an action but no expressed desire to change either the reasons or the behaviour.

Maybe, just maybe, other people feel that way towards us when we explain that we were withdrawn or obviously frustrated or angry or openly rude or even just plain being a jerk because we were triggered or suffering some tough mental passages at the time. If the apology isn't emphasized, we are just saying get used to it, more to come.

It is a reason, clearly, but it is not an acceptance of our misbaviour or wrongs done to someone in itself. Maybe if I was sure to say how sorry I was about whatever I did before explaing my PTSD and how it might have contributed, people would be less likely to think it was just an excuse.

I want an apology to be just that, an acceptance of responsibility and a promise it won't happen again. Using PTSD as an excuse is like saying: "I have a condition that caused my behaviour and as long as I have it I might act that way again. I am sorry I did it but can't promise it wont happen again someday."

Right?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Its a balance that I think takes responsibility on all sides.

I read some stories where it seems the person with ptsd is apologising for everything because they have ptsd, so others assume that legitimate requests or complaints can be dismissed as 'just being the ptsd'.

Having ptsd doesn't deny your right to have your own needs listened to.

But I think it can be difficult to make reasonable boundaries. I think the adage 'treat others as you wish to be treated' works for self-judgement.And if you've treated someone in a way that isn't acceptable to you, then an apology is due.

But the problem with treating others how you wish to be treated, is that not everybody wants to be treated in the same way. So what is reasonable behaviour to one, is not reasonable to the other.

Sometimes both are able to give a bit and find a compromise. And sometimes the individual needs are too strong to be compromised on. So I think on both sides, there needs to be constant assessment and re-assessment of what your needs are and how strong the need is.