Has CSA cPTSD made you abusive

[Mach123]

We know about the soldiers likely symptomatic behaviour, the supporters pages are filled with it. It took me a long time to see it in me. (That I had the same condition.). I think though there is a tendency in survivors of sexual abuse,childhood and otherwise, to not see how abusive this makes us or has the capacity to make us.

Being male and having suffered CSA im suspect automatically. I was switching therapists a few years back and tried to see someone in the interim. I got this woman and she said "first is anyone around you at risk?" I was horrified! At risk for what!? But, time having passed, I know exactly what she was referring to. Happily there are different profiles or reactions and I didn't end up acting out in a dangerous way.

That's not what I'm talking about though. What about the psychological abuse? The abuser can become internalised and act through us. Mostly we take it out on ourselves with food/substance abuse and other forms of self harm. Sometimes we take it out on the people around us.

 

[mamachick]

During the worst time of my ptsd, I could see that I was verbally abusive toward those closest to me if provoked. I could not assert myself in a healthy way so my words were aggressive.

 

[Mach123]

During the worst time of my ptsd, I could see that I was verbally abusive toward those closest to me if provoked. I could not assert myself in a healthy way so my words were aggressive.

What bothers me most about it was my inability to see I was doing it. Now I see it and I don't do it but it's always trying to "get" someone.

 

[mamachick]

I think it makes us really sensitive to criticism so I just try to take a breathe and hear what the other person is saying and take responsibility for my shortcomings. When the other person is wrong, I just walk away from the situation so it does not escalate. I never use to blame others for my stuff but thats what I was doing sometimes (being defensive).

 

[Rani G2]

The abuser can become internalised and act through us. Mostly we take it out on ourselves with food/substance abuse and other forms of self harm. Sometimes we take it out on the people around us.

@Mach123 good to read this. Still struggeling with extreme feelings of rage. Usually I scream at home/slam Doors ect. I Do not act out on people(Not anymore). But, there is a part in me who likes violence and submitting others. Its very hard at times to tacle that selfpart. I started martial arts and doing body building because I absolutely hate to be weak. I must be strong!

 

[Still Standing]

I think it makes us really sensitive to criticism

I can relate to the criticism subject. Just a raised voice will get my heart pounding.

But, I am going to absolutely honest, here, as painful as it is to admit. I was an abusive mother. I did not know that I was abusive. I was following the same behavior that my mom and dad did with us kids. And, in the 1950-60's, this behavior was not uncommon amongst those I knew. It was seen as disciplining. It was what it was. It was yelling and spanking. So I yelled and spanked, too.

I understand now, that I was not discipling, I was raging: I was punishing. My poor kids became the objects of my occasional rage. Looking back, and understanding that my cPTSD goes back to early childhood, for myself, I understand now that my rage was not about my kids but about the unexpressed anger and fear instilled in me by my own abuses. The kids became pawns for my rages. I take responsibility for the bad parenting skills but the damages are done. The kids have moved away and I don't blame them. I never understood my harshness, then, until that last two years...way into my "grandma" years. I have not had a bout of rage for probably 20 years. I have slowly been learning to communicate differently and have more control over my emotions and know to remove myself from angry situations. And I suspect that my rage stemmed from not being in control with myself and transposed that over onto my children. I did not go into a rage with anyone else...just the kids. In the last year, I have thought about all this, and wonder if the rage was really a subconscious attitude toward my folks. I could not talk back or defend myself with them. Maybe my kids' misbehaving turned on that "scream" button that I always wanted to aim at my own parents, but was given no voice to do so. It is no excuse for the hurt I caused my children and I own that and I have asked for forgiveness for the abuse. But, even in my old age, it is not too late to gain understanding about "whys" of the bad behavior and then working at learning to change it all into a more healthy way to live. I wish I had the understanding I have now, when raising a family. But, I did not. The one good thing that came of this is that I was a good Grandma. By the time the grandboys came along, I had mellowed and knew how to listen, talk, ignore, and gently correct. So there is a little redemption that has happened.

 

[PreciousChild]

I can relate to the criticism subject. Just a raised voice will get my heart pounding.

But, I am going to absolutely honest, here, as painful as it is to admit. I was an abusive mother. I did not know that I was abusive. I was following the same behavior that my mom and dad did with us kids. And, in the 1950-60's, this behavior was not uncommon amongst those I knew. It was seen as disciplining. It was what it was. It was yelling and spanking. So I yelled and spanked, too.

I understand now, that I was not discipling, I was raging: I was punishing. My poor kids became the objects of my occasional rage. Looking back, and understanding that my cPTSD goes back to early childhood, for myself, I understand now that my rage was not about my kids but about the unexpressed anger and fear instilled in me by my own abuses. The kids became pawns for my rages. I take responsibility for the bad parenting skills but the damages are done. The kids have moved away and I don't blame them. I never understood my harshness, then, until that last two years...way into my "grandma" years. I have not had a bout of rage for probably 20 years. I have slowly been learning to communicate differently and have more control over my emotions and know to remove myself from angry situations. And I suspect that my rage stemmed from not being in control with myself and transposed that over onto my children. I did not go into a rage with anyone else...just the kids. In the last year, I have thought about all this, and wonder if the rage was really a subconscious attitude toward my folks. I could not talk back or defend myself with them. Maybe my kids' misbehaving turned on that "scream" button that I always wanted to aim at my own parents, but was given no voice to do so. It is no excuse for the hurt I caused my children and I own that and I have asked for forgiveness for the abuse. But, even in my old age, it is not too late to gain understanding about "whys" of the bad behavior and then working at learning to change it all into a more healthy way to live. I wish I had the understanding I have now, when raising a family. But, I did not. The one good thing that came of this is that I was a good Grandma. By the time the grandboys came along, I had mellowed and knew how to listen, talk, ignore, and gently correct. So there is a little redemption that has happened.

Thanks @Still Standing. I think this is brave and honest to share what happened, and a sign of good mental health that you're able to express the difficult truth rather than avoid it. I'm very sorry that you weren't able to turn things around when the kids were younger, but it sounds like you did as much as you could with what you had. I bet the changes do affect your children now and shape how they might behave as parents themselves. Some people never change. You have, and that's powerful.

I don't think there can be enough said about this issue. Thanks for sharing, everyone.

 

[Missycat]

A thought provoking post. It was my partner that pointed out that i was angry all the time and would switch from fun and calm to red anger in seconds ... i had ignored previous feedback and even the signs that i should have spotted. I never initially linked it to anything altho i was experiencing regular flashbacks, nightmares about the csa and kept ‘zoning out’ - it wasnt until i got help and ptsd was diagnosed that i made the link. I’d kinda always thought i’d push it aside and wasnt aware it was showing itself through my anger.
Its been a long journey and the anger is now a thing of the past.

 

[mamachick]

Still Standing, I agree that what you shared shows such a healthy reflection of who you have become. I don't think its ever too late to make those amends and changes. So insightful. Glad you are enjoying those grandkids!

 

[Mach123]

I couldn't see myself clearly at all as though the abusive part didn't exist but I could see it in the way people reacted. I didn't understand though why people reacted so painfully or negatively or even violently towards me. I couldn't see that everything I said was pretty much abusive (I knew nothing else) and everything I heard sounded like I was being abused. You could say good morning and I felt like you wanted to kill me. Nothing added up. I didn't understand any of it. I know I'm still like this but it's not as much.
I try to avoid most things because my condition runs me and it's so easy for me to become irrational. My opinions are not my own because I have to step completely out of that if I want actually to think for myself and I almost never get there.

 

[frogthroat]

Mostly we take it out on ourselves with food/substance abuse and other forms of self harm. Sometimes we take it out on the people around us.

This is true. In a bad state, I've verbally snapped at people that I've been forced to be around. Now I isolate away from other people because it's extremely annoying just to be near anyone or hear them talk. Isolation isn't really a viable or long term solution but at least I'm not fighting with other people and embarrassing myself.
I'm not sure what it is about PTSD that causes one to completely cut people off for periods of time. I would say this probably seems abusive to the few people that care about me. I'm sure it comes off as a passive agressive way of me showing my disapproval of them or like a big "silent treatment" but that's really not it. Sometimes, I can hardly stand going to the bank or the store and by the time I get the shopping done I want to right hook the first person that gets close to me.
Substance abuse/SI/food just makes the isolating easier and worse because you keep yourself in a cycle of feeling like dogshit when you're already low.

 

[Mach123]

I'll smash your face if you don't behave and other expressions of love.

Did you do that because you love me or you hate me? Are they related, or is there actually any difference at all?

I figured out finally you were trying to protect me because you love me. Could you stop doing that please?

Can you see beyond the trauma pattern, or are you only kidding yourself?

What about sex?

"Don't make me laugh."