Haunted from 6 years ago

[MadScientist]

I opened my eyes abruptly in pure terror, burningly wanting to run as humanly fast and far as I could. I woke up scared and short of breath, almost as if I were running.

I sat up from my sleep, covering falling to my lap as I swang out of bed, getting ready to resume my frantic escape, but wait. Darkness... A soft bed mattress and
bedding. It was quiet. I was not staring into the bright sun like Gizmo complaining about a bright light. Wait, had I done the impossible teleport?

No... I was suffering from a dry drinker's nightmare as I am also recovering from that disease, which, when you take both and introduce themselves, creates quite a downward spiral.

The last I remembered was that some unknown faceless mother of 2 faceless children got in my car, and an immediate sense of Defcon-like survival instincts told me to run! 70 Miles an hour down 2-lane city streets, with their traffic and construction and irregular crossing light timers, allowed me to escape at a high rate of speed, leaving the threat stuck at lights, possibly hitting a pothole, anything to place distance between me and the threat and cause that person not to be able to catch me. My High rate of speed attracted 4 squad cars, and they ended up placing me, my Ex-girlfriend, and her two kids in the back of squad cars in handcuffs for arrest processing.

The threat I was running from was in my dream: my ex from 2017... But I am still haunted today, and False Events Appearing Real woke me in complete fear. My breathing is calmed after putting pen to paper. Thank you.

Why, years later, does this still haunt me, the Narcissistic relationship that I left 6 years ago? Times, events, places, things, jail*2, loss of my job, loss of friends and family. Belitterling. This dog was kicked enough and wants to "fight or fight," and no matter how crazy I drove, it persists, and I am powerless to omit memories that no longer serve me.

 

[Unknown User 2051]

Hi and that sounds horrible. I hope you can share any insights you may derive from the experience.

That sounds clinical, cold and impersonal, to my ears. It's what happens to scientists when they talk about feelings, I think? Dunno.

What I can share is this...compressed and distorted memories made me feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for not being a better father to two step children. The mother was an uber-narcissist. I'm...not a narcissist. Dissociated with severe cptsd and rounded out by...clinical depression and culturally reinforced self-hatred? That feels right.

Regardless, one of the important things I'm slowly figuring out is that I wasn't the *shit* parent. I DID totally screw up whenever the ex and I were in the same room, so there is appropriate guilt to feel. But:

1-who built the toy for the youngest kid who didn't fit in with the others?
2-who found the books, movies and gifts that said something to the individual children meeting their unique needs?
3-who bore the brunt of the damage when state agencies or local officials became involved?
4-who, in my case, dove back in and retrieved the biological child and who made space for that child to recover?

That seems horribly forward and I have no idea what you're feeling or have been through beyond what you have stated. But...are there questions you might frame for yourself that may help you identify exactly what you were responsible for? if you're still responsible? if it may be time to forgive yourself a little?

For me, finding a way to let go of some of the feelings of guilt helps diminish the urge to fight/flight for safety.