R
Ruby Red
I don't know where to start.
When I was about 12 years old I came home and told my mother that I didn't want to see my dad anymore. I said that it was because I found out he smoked weed. But I also said it was because i found porn videos he left on the sofa and sometimes he touched me weirdly and i didn't like it. (I think this may have been the main reason) When i say touch i mean light touches on my upper thigh or lower back/bum in conversation or walking somewhere. It was never Abuse but i remember feeling very un easy about it. As i got older I started seeing my dad a bit more again and i forgot all about it. I'm now 20 but have a very distant relationship with him. If i see him he still seems to have little boundaries with touching, it still can make me uncomfortable. But It seems so full on that i actually chose to stop seeing my dad for a while when i was younger because of it. I remember my mother telling me he just has no personal space boundaries and the majority of me still thinks that that's probably the case.
But then when I was about 18 years old i got high once and started thinking about these random strange memories I have of my father. I have this memory of lying naked on his Sofa after a bath, I must of been about 8-10. And he placed his cigarette in between my bum cheeks so it was standing up right, he laughed and took it out. Later on he told me not to tell my mum that he did that. I also remember being even younger and wanting to 'french kiss' him and doing it with him in a cafe, and him saying its weird to do that sort of thing. I can't actually remember doing it at any other time than the cafe but for some reason I feel like maybe this 'french kissing' was some sort of thing i liked to do? It's so hard because the memory is so hazy. I also have these vague memories of feeling uncomfortable a couple of times that I had to sleep in the same room as him when on holiday or at nans house. I don't know why. When I thought about all this together I started to cry alot and wondered whether something bad happened to me as a child and I just don't remember.
I find it strange that i remember these exact moments because I don't have much memory from my childhood at all. I also have this one vivid image of being in my bed at my dads house and hearing someone outside the room. Thats it, and it's stuck with me and i dont know why. I can remember exactly what i was looking at. I was looking at the light from the corridor from my bunk bed and i could hear someone outside. Yet it's strange because I have pretty much no memory of what my room was like or even having a bunk bed in that room. Why do I have this memory, i have nothing else like it?
I have some symptoms of sexual abuse but i know it doesn't necessarily mean anything.. I know i was quite sexual as a child, using strange objects. I used to have therapy as a child because i had a recurring dream of a stick man chasing me, also because i was scared i would die if i went to sleep. I remember I would never have a guy as a therapist. I don't think I liked men much when i was young. Ofcorse this isnt evidence of sexual assault.
At the age of about 18 I started to develop strange genital sensations that i could explain. I don't know if it's maybe this body memory thing that i've just read about. I've developed a massive complex around my own arousal and what is or isnt normal. It's torn me apart for the last two years and also given my terrible intrusive thoughts - OCD... I'm constantly trying to control when i feel aroused. Every time think that i don't want to feel aroused, i instantly do. It's like i've developed some sort of genital response to my own fear of being aroused and it wont stop. I feel shame all the time. It's taken over my life and my mindset. Still, I have dealt with all of this on my own, i'm incredibly social and outgoing. I have many friends and a boyfriend that i love but i have never uttered a word of any of this to anyone. I manage to cope, staying active and thinking that the world is so much bigger than my problems but every so often i completely breakdown. From the outside everything seems so great. I don't know if i will ever live a truly fullfilled life. I constantly think about how no one really knows me, and the invisible internal struggle i go through, with both my mind and body. I just hope that i can stay positive and busy enough to enjoy life despite my struggles. This post is a first, and I don't think i'll ever be able to speak out properly so i just hope that I can learn to enjoy the life that i have.
I'm wondering whether my problems with my arousal could be linked to my past with my father. Have i been abused and blocked it from my memory? I still think that my father may possibly just have really bad personal boundaries. I know sexual assault victims can be in denial, but i genuinely think it could be nothing.
Perhaps these strange memories have stuck with me because they are obviously inappropriate, and my fear that i could have abused has lead to my arousal complex, even though i havent actually been abused? I just don't know
When I was about 12 years old I came home and told my mother that I didn't want to see my dad anymore. I said that it was because I found out he smoked weed. But I also said it was because i found porn videos he left on the sofa and sometimes he touched me weirdly and i didn't like it. (I think this may have been the main reason) When i say touch i mean light touches on my upper thigh or lower back/bum in conversation or walking somewhere. It was never Abuse but i remember feeling very un easy about it. As i got older I started seeing my dad a bit more again and i forgot all about it. I'm now 20 but have a very distant relationship with him. If i see him he still seems to have little boundaries with touching, it still can make me uncomfortable. But It seems so full on that i actually chose to stop seeing my dad for a while when i was younger because of it. I remember my mother telling me he just has no personal space boundaries and the majority of me still thinks that that's probably the case.
But then when I was about 18 years old i got high once and started thinking about these random strange memories I have of my father. I have this memory of lying naked on his Sofa after a bath, I must of been about 8-10. And he placed his cigarette in between my bum cheeks so it was standing up right, he laughed and took it out. Later on he told me not to tell my mum that he did that. I also remember being even younger and wanting to 'french kiss' him and doing it with him in a cafe, and him saying its weird to do that sort of thing. I can't actually remember doing it at any other time than the cafe but for some reason I feel like maybe this 'french kissing' was some sort of thing i liked to do? It's so hard because the memory is so hazy. I also have these vague memories of feeling uncomfortable a couple of times that I had to sleep in the same room as him when on holiday or at nans house. I don't know why. When I thought about all this together I started to cry alot and wondered whether something bad happened to me as a child and I just don't remember.
I find it strange that i remember these exact moments because I don't have much memory from my childhood at all. I also have this one vivid image of being in my bed at my dads house and hearing someone outside the room. Thats it, and it's stuck with me and i dont know why. I can remember exactly what i was looking at. I was looking at the light from the corridor from my bunk bed and i could hear someone outside. Yet it's strange because I have pretty much no memory of what my room was like or even having a bunk bed in that room. Why do I have this memory, i have nothing else like it?
I have some symptoms of sexual abuse but i know it doesn't necessarily mean anything.. I know i was quite sexual as a child, using strange objects. I used to have therapy as a child because i had a recurring dream of a stick man chasing me, also because i was scared i would die if i went to sleep. I remember I would never have a guy as a therapist. I don't think I liked men much when i was young. Ofcorse this isnt evidence of sexual assault.
At the age of about 18 I started to develop strange genital sensations that i could explain. I don't know if it's maybe this body memory thing that i've just read about. I've developed a massive complex around my own arousal and what is or isnt normal. It's torn me apart for the last two years and also given my terrible intrusive thoughts - OCD... I'm constantly trying to control when i feel aroused. Every time think that i don't want to feel aroused, i instantly do. It's like i've developed some sort of genital response to my own fear of being aroused and it wont stop. I feel shame all the time. It's taken over my life and my mindset. Still, I have dealt with all of this on my own, i'm incredibly social and outgoing. I have many friends and a boyfriend that i love but i have never uttered a word of any of this to anyone. I manage to cope, staying active and thinking that the world is so much bigger than my problems but every so often i completely breakdown. From the outside everything seems so great. I don't know if i will ever live a truly fullfilled life. I constantly think about how no one really knows me, and the invisible internal struggle i go through, with both my mind and body. I just hope that i can stay positive and busy enough to enjoy life despite my struggles. This post is a first, and I don't think i'll ever be able to speak out properly so i just hope that I can learn to enjoy the life that i have.
I'm wondering whether my problems with my arousal could be linked to my past with my father. Have i been abused and blocked it from my memory? I still think that my father may possibly just have really bad personal boundaries. I know sexual assault victims can be in denial, but i genuinely think it could be nothing.
Perhaps these strange memories have stuck with me because they are obviously inappropriate, and my fear that i could have abused has lead to my arousal complex, even though i havent actually been abused? I just don't know
