Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[Deleted member 12723]

I cannot forgive my daughters husband for terrorizing and hitting her.

 

[Darkly Detached]

No. I won't forgive. But I have forgiven myself and stopped believing that I had a role to play in my own traumas. It was told to me that it would be one of the steps towards healing - but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. However, I do consistently remind myself that I was not to blame for being the victim.

 

[Still Alive Inside]

As I was reading through these posts, I had to say "I know!" out loud multiple times. I know.. "am stuck in anger and hatred for the people who hurt me and can't seem to move on" I know..

T's and books and everyone in the world who thinks they should be in my business talks about forgiveness and the importance of it. I used to really hate the person who beat and raped me my entire childhood and continued to f*ck with my mind and heart into adulthood. I used to grapple with thoughts of wanting to kill her, yell at her, show her all my pain.

I voted "yes" but ONLY because I have changed my definition of forgiveness. I'm not talking about other relationships, but when it comes to the abuse related, PTSD related stuff, I've changed my definition of forgiveness. People talk about the concept of forgiveness like it's so damn easy, like the effects of PTSD don't come roaring back at its whim. I am still very angry and very hurt. I still get stuck in the swirl, alone.

I used to think that forgiveness meant "letting it go", being okay with what they did, loving them and ignoring what happened. To do that would put me back in denial, causing much more harm than allowing myself to hurt when I hurt.
It's not okay what happened, indeed you cannot forgive evil. I don't forgive the acts, I still hate what she and they did, I still hold them responsible in my mind. The only thing that has changed is that the feelings of wanting to kill her and them has stopped. (I speak much more violently than I actually am, I think it's a coping mechanism. Violence with my words..)

I feel sad when I think about what may have contributed to her turning into what she is. It makes me sad that she must be in her own type of pain. But I am still absolutely hurting and screaming on the inside from what she and they did. Every time my PTSD symptoms are acting up, I feel SICK as that "cellular memory" starts. I hate it, and I hate it all. But I still voted yes, because something changed. I can balance the dichotomy, I hate her and I love her.
I may be crazy for saying that, but it seems to help me keep it together.

 

[Still Alive Inside]

Darkly Detached, maybe that's what changed. Maybe I haven't forgiven them, maybe I've just finally forgiven myself (for something that was never my fault) and that's why some of the rage has subsided.

Who knows?

Isn't this lost feeling a part of being a survivor? We have to take the crap with the wins.

 

[Jlso111187]

I dont think I will ever forgive either of them. I know I should but they took my life over. I wouldnt have ptsd if it wasnt for them. I dont know I just cant bring myself to being ok with what they did.

 

[Becky_From_Canada]

The concept of forgiveness seems so impossible that my head spins when I just try to contemplate it. If I feel this way after 20 years, I'm thinking it'll never happen.

Here's a question that I often wrestle with, though. What does forgiveness even mean? It seems like such a complicated idea.

Becky

 

[JustBe]

To me it means letting go of the anger and resentment. Not letting those that hurt you have power over you.

 

[Pietro]

This was a hard-fought battle for me, about 4 years ago. Related to what Movin'On posted, a therapist once gave me the following definition of "forgiveness": it's a gift you give to yourself.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean all is now well between you and those who harmed you. It especially doesn't mean that you need to continue contact with those who might still harm you. It simply means that you forgo the bitterness and resentment, which will simply hold you back and keep you in "victim" mode. You forgive so that you have freedom from these negative forces.

 

[Ayasha]

My answer is as close to honest as I can be. Yes, the person who did this to me HAD to have also been abused but that still gave him no right to hurt me. Just because you have been hurt does not mean it is okay to hurt others.

I guess the most appropriate answer for me would have been "I've considered it, but I can't forgive them."

 

[PossumInPetticoats]

I've forgiven them in the sense of I wish them no harm, and I don't hate them, HOWEVER, I don't want them to be in my life either.

 

[Raj]

I answered yes. And I really have forgiven two out of many they have made amends they have been victims their selves and shown remorse, shame and done it repeatedly with out repeating the abusive behavior all the way to excepting civil, criminal and moral cost.

However their are others and maybe I should have answers "other" that are in my process which is part of my faith system. And they I have not because they continue to hurt others without penalty and that is unacceptable. As a former Law Officer it was a burden i shared openly to control myself ethically and not retaliate through authority. Victims again in a rural area don't always receive the treatment they deserve and sometime they have to seek civil penalties. That is hard for me to swallow and one reason I resigned!