having to make a choice of male vs female therapist

[krirbs]

Know this is a topic that has been discussed a lot but find myself in a position where i'm finding I'm having to make a choice

My background: am 37, guy, have been in therapy multiple times. Some were absolutely awful, and in particular it turned out a bunch of therapists at 1 government-based organization were not careful and spread information to other parties that they did not share with me. Ended in a complaint and lots of awful things and 'human errors' as they put it surfacing, but was horrible all around and destroyed my trust in government systems to a large degree.

Right now I've been on a waiting list at an organization (non-governmental) for a year and a few months and I got an email saying a male therapist can take me on. Somehow after the horrible experience at the previous organization (which was with a woman my age, ironically) I just felt a lot more inclined to have future therapy with a woman my age since even though it was awful some stuff she did really resonated very well. Also had a short other experience with woman therapist afterwards my age that was just so great, but unfortanetly the organization couldn't offer me long-term treatment.

The male therapist seems like a good fit on paper; psychotherapist (which I like) and his profile states he specializes in depression/acceptance therapy (which I signed up for basically) and that building relation built on trust is something important (which duh suits my profile 1:1). Also seems nice from his profile picture.

Yet on the other hand I feel the 2 female therapists were so emotionally fluent and that was such a huge relief only having had 2 male therapist prior of which 1 was awful (worked at the governmental organization and destroyed my personal profile). Other was an older dude who was kind but again pragmatic and we ended up being a loop of me feeling like he wasn't hearing me, expressing my frustration, and he sort of not getting it and us repeating that for year.

Has anyone else had to make a choice with gender in mind? I'm half contemplating saying yes but am just unsure if it's what I want I guess. Did anyone have experiences where they positively could not be with either gender if they tried? Or maybe the opposite where they thought they couldn't but it turned out to be a non-issue

(I can tell them to put me back on the waiting list but the rest of his profile fits so well i'm on the fence)

 

[Mach123]

I can’t sit with a male therapist and it’s fine to need to see a woman if you’re more comfortable. I did see a man for a few years and I really liked him and he was a nice guy and a good therapist/psychologist phd and all, it doesn’t work for me . Plus he wasn’t a trauma therapist and like a lot of them he would say, oh but it’s ok we can do trauma therapy. I still don’t really think so. My current therapist did the same and now she’s flaked out on me lol. Good luck.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve always ended up surprised at my ability to work with male Ts, some of whom have even resembled one of my primary abusers.

I’ve come to a point in my recovery now where, yes, it’s problematic occasionally that my T is male. But it matters a crapload more that he specialises in trauma, and deals with that skillfully.

This is one of those situations where you get to do what’s right for you. And the nice thing is that if you decide, 6 months from now, that you’d like to try a different option to the T you went with, that’s totally okay.

 

[arfie]

hello krirbibs. welcome to the forum.

in my own healing journey, i have not found much evidence that gender matters much. i was raised with 5 brothers and 5 sisters. good luck convincing me that personality traits are gender characteristics. men can be emotionally in tune while women can have the sensitivity of corporate hell hounds.

but it matters greatly to many psych patients and why ask why? we need what we need. finding a good therapy match is an iffy proposition, whichever measuring stick you use. personally, i roll with what is available.

 

[krirbs]

thank you guys for the replies. until like 5 years ago i was in the same boat, purely agnostic to gender (and actually favoring male therapists too when i was working on self-confidence). yet after 1 bad therapist experience (with a female therapist, ironic i'm aware) that shifted and im also unsure if it's just a reaction to that therapy, or why that shift was pronounced, or maybe just having a female therapist did show me something i wasn't aware of hitherto.

I'm still not sure which way I'm leaning but may just respond and voice it since I do really see potential. funnily enough i did mention when signing up at the organization i'd prefer female therapist but guess the fates decided leave the ultimatum to me to decide

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

i’ve only ever had female Ts, partly just circumstance and partly intentionally. most were bad but my current one’s great! i automatically flinch at the idea of having a male T but i think i’d do ok really. am i more comfortable with women though? yeah. in this context i much prefer it and if you think the female Ts available are qualified enough to still help you properly i think there’s no issue in going with who you feel most comfortable and personally open to. it’s important to be able to get along, not just their credentials. nice to have someone you already trust a bit, on whatever basis.

but if you dont think theyd be able to help you as well and youre not definitely gonna feel very u comfortable maybe go for the male T, see how it pans out?

been dead set on only having female Ts or doctors in the past, got a history of being afraid of men / being vulnerable near them. but i think my current primary care doctor is male and i was fine talking to him last time (the first time). since reading your post i could see myself with a male T, it’d take adjusting to. but i think it’d be good for me, and i’d be able to adapt to it.

things can really change, also had a history (histories?) of being afraid of women which is a lot less bad now. there was also a time where it was everyone and women just felt like the slightly lesser evil

 

[parrotthepolly]

Females are generally more emotional and makes generally show less emotion.

But not always so you don't know for sure until you meet this T you mentioned.

 

[Movingforward10]

Has anyone else had to make a choice with gender in mind? I'm half contemplating saying yes but am just unsure if it's what I want I guess. Did anyone have experiences where they positively could not be with either gender if they tried?

I absolutely could not have been open to talking about what I have in therapy if my therapist was male. I even had palpitations about whether my T's supervisor was male, and it took me months and months to work up the courage to ask her if they were male as I felt if they were it would impact my relationship with my T.
But that's me. And everyone is different.

Can you meet the therapists as a one off to decide?
Maybe gender actually isn't the overriding factor for you but the emotionally fluent part of it is?
Great that you have choice and have this dilemma!

 

[krirbs]

I sent him a reply that I prefer a female therapist but am also open to trying if they offer that (not sure what kind of procedure the organization uses to assign people). I'll probably hear back from him. I think if it was a solo therapist I'd definitely take the plunge but if it's a long term investment I'd rather be sure the fit is right as much as I can manage from my side.

I absolutely could not have been open to talking about what I have in therapy if my therapist was male. I even had palpitations about whether my T's supervisor was male, and it took me months and months to work up the courage to ask her if they were male as I felt if they were it would impact my relationship with my T.
But that's me. And everyone is different.

The previous male therapist I was with (actually 2) I didn't have any problem really talking about stuff. But it did feel sort of more pragmatic, like older person schooling a younger person (I was 30 at the time). Other than that it never really felt awkward as much as i can remember. But having a woman therapist years later DID make me feel like wow it feels less distant and easier to delve into the emotional side. I'm not sure if it was me either, I don't think any of the male therapists I was with really tried to go anywhere beyond just simple stuff so that may have played a part too.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @krirbs , Alot of my trauma was caused by women and I tried therapy with women and they drove me mad. I eventually found a male counselor and saw him for over 150 sessions. Apart from a couple of issues it worked really well. I don't have advice really, try him out and see maybe...if it dosent work out then see someone else.

 

[Dave Ryan]

I've thought about therapy, though never followed through on it. If I ever did, I'd go for a female therapist. My trauma relates to being forced to wear women's shapewear when I was at school. I'd have great difficulty telling a male therapist about what it was like to spend years wearing a panty girdle.

 

[Freddyt]

Has anyone else had to make a choice with gender in mind?

No. But I would probably choose a woman if I did.

That stupid macho "be a man" crap would likely get in the way with a male T.