Having To See My Ex Again Who Caused My Ptsd

[Pink77]

Hi,

My ex and I are Godparents to a beautiful 13 year woman. My ex was the cause of my PTSD due to his physical, emotional and psychological abuse over many years. I stayed in a bad marriage for 20 years because I was raised you try your best to make it work. But like my counselor said "you can't make it work when only one of you want it to work".

Anyway, last night I got an email from my friend, mother of my Goddaughter, that my Goddaughter's big graduation from Catholic school comes up this June and both of us (me and my ex) have been invited. My first reaction was being punched in my stomach and sweat on my forehead. Instant panic mode! My friend has left the door open for me to choose if he goes for me not to go. But I don't want my fear of him to get the best of me and miss an important day in her life. I've never missed one no matter where we lived in the states (ex-AF wife). So, do to this info of both of us possibly being there, my anxiety went into overdrive and I lost 4 hours of sleep, had racing thoughts, created scenarios of what might happen, etc. I know the graduation is in June, I just don't want to have nightmares or flashbacks, or night terrors until then. Something I can't control, I know. I told myself that I should focus on the things I can control. My friend will tell me if my ex attends. My counselor doesn't know @ this and won't until next Wed.

When the divorce ended, he had had a restraining order on him for 1 yr, was livid at me, and would have screaming fits about me to my father over the phone. He didn't show up for the hearing, but I saw him go into his atty's office.

I want to face my fear. I don't have to speak to him, but just to be able to be at a function because I want to be and not break into a full-blown anxiety attack when I see him would be nice. I'm thinking that it would help or be push-off to the final pathway of healing from this relationship. The last two months that we were together, Dec 2006 & Jan 2007 were the worst. He threatened my life and I literally ran from the house with some clothes and got to my parents (who didn't recognize me because I had lost 30 lbs in 2 months due to anxiety). It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I wasn't going to let him be the one to choose to take my life!

I don't want this nice event to be a black cloud over my head during the holidays and then afterwards as it gets closer. Anxiety has kicked in even after taking meds.:(

Thanks for listening! Pink

 

[The Albatross]

(((Pink))) There is a real healthy fear about putting yourself in a position where you and your ex would both be present. I can understand why you are having anxiety.

Myself, I don't know if I could do that even still... and I've been divorced for over 20 years. I commend you on wanting to face your fear. Perhaps having or developing a "plan" would diffuse some of the anxiety around your attendance of the event?

 

[Pink77]

(((Pink))) There is a real healthy fear about putting yourself in a position where you and your ex would both be present...I commend you on wanting to face your fear. Perhaps having or developing a "plan" would diffuse some of the anxiety around your attendance of the event?

Thanks ((((Albatross!)))) I didn't even think about coming up with a plan. Duh? That is definitely something my tdoc can help me with. There is also the possibility he won't take time off from work to come up and see her graduate (which would be sad for her), so the point would be mute for me. I will definitely work on a plan for getting through the next five months, and then if I see him.

Take care, Pink

 

[cat]

Hi Pink
Well done for trying to find a solution to help you attend when there is a chance your ex will be there, you are thinking in the right direction when you say 'But I don't want my fear of him to get the best of me and miss an important day in her life. I've never missed one no matter where we lived in the states (ex-AF wife).'

I have a similar ptsd history to you in that it was due to years of psychological & emotional abuse from my husband of 30yrs. He lives in Aus now but last April my daughter got married & he attended.
For months I deliberated about whether i would attend but it was my daughter too & the man had dictated my life for far too long. With the help of my psychologist I did attend & managed to keep my head held high.
I also had a plan, I was concerned that i would have a panic attack & spoil the wedding or that he would corner me when i was alone, unfortunately some of my plan didnt work out but i was surrounded by family & friends that kept me safe.
One thing I was very worried about was having to speak to him, initially i was afraid people would think i was being rude by not speaking, but I was encouraged by my T to take the decision that it was ok if I didnt, after all I didnt owe him anything, especially the respect you show someone by speaking to them.

Here's some ideas from my plan
Before the event & in a place you feel safe, maybe with your T, a) explore what you feel about him now b) imagine him being in the room with the other guests to try to lower your anxiety c) imagine speaking to him, what would you say d) imagine ignoring him how would you feel
identify a friend or relation who will be at your side throughout the event
arrange a signal that means you've had enough & need a break
try to concentrate on the event in hand, how beautiful your goddaughter is & how proud you are of her

I do hope you find the strength to attend this event, i found that the anticipation of what might happen was far worse than the actual event. I hope it works that way for you too.

Good luck & stay strong, you can do this.

 

[Pink77]

Hi Pink
Well done for trying to find a solution to help you attend when there is a chance your ex will be there, you are thinking in the right direction when you say 'But I don't want my fear of him to get the best of me and miss an important day in her life. I've never missed one no matter where we lived in the states (ex-AF wife).'

Thank you!

With the help of my psychologist I did attend & managed to keep my head held high.
I also had a plan, I was concerned that i would have a panic attack & spoil the wedding or that he would corner me when i was alone, unfortunately some of my plan didnt work out but i was surrounded by family & friends that kept me safe.

I will only know my goddaughter's parents really well. I do know her father's side of the family, but I cannot rely on them for creating a "safe" place for me. I might have to tell my girlfriend just how bad it could be being around my ex. She doesn't know any of the details. Out of respect, I kept them from her.

Here's some ideas from my plan
Before the event & in a place you feel safe, maybe with your T, a) explore what you feel about him now b) imagine him being in the room with the other guests to try to lower your anxiety c) imagine speaking to him, what would you say d) imagine ignoring him how would you feel
identify a friend or relation who will be at your side throughout the event
arrange a signal that means you've had enough & need a break
try to concentrate on the event in hand, how beautiful your goddaughter is & how proud you are of her

I do hope you find the strength to attend this event, i found that the anticipation of what might happen was far worse than the actual event. I hope it works that way for you too.

Good luck & stay strong, you can do this.

I really like some of your ideas from your plan. I will definitely explore my feelings around him due to the time that has gone by, and by how much I still talk about him & me mostly in a negative way w/my bf. I try not to, but when you've spent 20 years with someone and that was your life, how can you not? We did have good times and I will treasure those, too. But he lost my trust and broke my heart more times than I care to think of. And to end it, 1 yr after the divorce was final, I got proof that he had been unfaithful. Didn't expect that one to come out of the woodwork. But I'm glad it did because I did suspect by his actions and things he said and got "caught" in.

Thanks for your support. I'll keep posting on my progress with the plan and if he plans to attend.

This forum is giving me courage - thank you! Pink